It is necessary for parents to be accurate and careful in dealing with children?

Question 160

My son is fifteen years old. Now, he is different from how he was before. He used to be quiet and well mannered, but now he is very mutinous. He refuses to be advised and turns his back on me whenever I ask him for something. I do not know why he has suddenly become like this.

The answer: Your son is now passing through the stage of moving from childhood to youth. Physically and mentally, he is undergoing changes of cells and reactions of hormones. He is at the threshold of a new stage, where he will like to know about what he has not known before. Things around him are new for him. He does not like to deal with them as before when he was a child. Now, he considers himself an adult. Socially, people, friends, the media, and all that he sees in the street affect him. Intellectually, he looks for the proofs of everything that has been said before about beliefs and ideas. Questioning in this transitional stage is natural for him. If parents scold or shout at him in their manners of guiding, he will slip into deviation and then into the major deviation, especially if he falls into the traps of bad friends.

It is necessary for parents to be accurate and careful in dealing with children in this new state, regardless of whether they are boys or girls. It is a temporary state that just needs wisdom and great care, and then both, you and your children, will be comfortable.

Question 161

I am a teacher. I find that some of my students are envious of their classmates. I try my best to remove this bad feature from them but with no use. I can say that this feature is present even in my children in the house, and I do not know how to control it.

The answer: Envy has many causes such as:

1. The discrimination in parents' treatment of their children; showing love to some children and depriving the others of it is an educational error that is widespread among families. This

discrimination may lead the children to even commit crimes against the parents, the newborn child, or people outside the house. Wisdom requires parents to show love to their children equally in order to not shed tears of regret later on.

2. The natural gifts in individuals like beauty, neatness, tactfulness, and the like; here a wise teacher and a kind father should not prefer one (student or child) to another according to inexcusable sentiment and love. Preference is right when someone makes efforts to be successful and the teacher intends by that to draw the attentions of the others that whoever makes efforts to be successful will be preferred, and thus, preference is just a result of efforts and success.

3. Praising someone before his mates without justification; when one is praised before his mates, the reasons behind that praise, such as personal efforts, success, and the like, should be declared to make his mates understand that praise is a fruit deserved by whoever does good.

4. A teacher or a father should explain moral concepts and stories about the outcomes of enviers and then ask the listeners to give their opinions about envy and after that advise and warn them of envy.

5. It is good for a teacher sometimes to ask his students to write articles on envy and assign a prize for the best of them. Doing this leads them to read and ponder more over what they suffer from, and consequently, they try to rid themselves of this bad feature.

Parents have to prepare the mentality of their last child to respond to the coming of their new child. They should plant love inside their child for his coming brother or sister so that he can be delighted when it is born, and this will remove envy from him.

Question 162

What are the causes of envy among children and what are the solutions?

The answer: There are many causes that prepare the ground for this bad quality. Here are some of them:

1. Moral defects in the family, such as the lack of indulgence, not pardoning one another, watching each other suspiciously, and the like

2. The parents' disagreements and quarrels

3. Discrimination amongst the children

4. Natural differences between the children themselves, like cleverness, beauty, good speaking, activeness, etc.

5. Siding with one of the children against the other when they quarrel without listening or being certain about who is actually guilty

As for the solutions, they are:

1. Holding family meetings from time to time to discuss the matters that often cause quarrels, and the children should be given a full opportunity to talk freely while being listened to carefully and respectfully

2. In spite of all the quarrels between the children, the parents should deal with all of them equally and fairly

3. Making efforts to end every quarrel between the children from its very beginning

4. Avoiding discrimination; the parents should accept their children as they are and not make them feel that their parents love or care for a certain one of them more than the others

5. It is very important too that parents should adapt themselves to the natural rate of envy in their children, and at the same time that they explain to their children the harms of envy, they should not, by their actions, encourage it to increase in them

Question 163

My son is lazy and does not like his lessons. How should I deal with him?

The answer: 1. He has not found a motive that makes him love

studying. Such a motive must be created in him by explaining to him the advantages of knowledge either by you or by others. You can talk to him about the great scientists, scholars, and inventors and explain to him how they have gained the respect of people and will gain the high degrees in Paradise.

2. He must be taught the right ways of learning and understanding the lessons.

3. The actual reasons for his hating studying must be identified. He may be harmed by his classmates or mistreated by his teachers or something else.

4. He should not be blamed too much, because this will make him more obdurate and obstinate.

5. Laziness sometimes is symptomatic and it would be better to see a doctor too.

6. If there are around him family problems or marital disagreements, you should try to determine them because such problems are the main reasons that cause laziness and boredom, and they are the key to every evil.

Question 164

I have just one child, and I have prayed to Allah for so long to grant me her. Therefore, I am very concerned to educate her as Allah the Almighty wants. Would you please explain to me the most important bases of education? I will be very grateful.

The answer: Islam has divided the education of children into three stages.

The first stage begins from birth and lasts until the seventh year. In this stage, the child should taste the full meaning of freedom. He should be free to do whatever he likes except if he wants to do something that may harm him, and then he should be prevented in a way that his dignity is not harmed and his freedom is not restrained.

The second stage is from the seventh until the fourteenth year. In this stage, the child should be taught useful knowledge

especially the beliefs, juristic principles, morals, and contemporary sciences.

The third stage begins after the fourteenth year where the parents by now should have prepared him to be as their friend and as an independent person. However, in this age, the parents should help him in the field of life and teach him good lessons from their experiences.

This is in general, but as for the conduct required from you as a mother towards her daughter, I would like to draw your attention to the following points:

1. You should teach your daughter good habits and morals.

2. You should strengthen in her the motives of goodness, knowledge, and longing for Paradise.

3. Let her see in you the exact practical example of what you tell her!

4. Let yourself be so close to her to the extent that she can speak frankly to you about anything that is in her mind!

5. You should plant in her self-confidence and teach her to not be satisfied with a certain level of success! Always tell her: "High determination is from faith".[1]

6. You should continue reading books concerning your goal!

Question 165

What do you think about beating children? Do you think it is one of the successful ways of education?

The answer: Most people prefer beating and neglect using kind and persuasive words. I think that those who beat the children are in greater need of education than the children who are beaten. Children do not perceive the mistakes they commit nor do they understand the cause for being beaten.

Hence, the beater is worthier of being punished according to the very principle he follows in beating the child.

[1] A Prophetic tradition.

We should know that the child who is insulted and who suffers the pain of beating will not give up the thing for which he is beaten; rather, he will continue doing it secretly or will learn how to beat and practice beating another child or he will hide inside himself his hatred against the beater until a day when he will show his hatred to restore his dignity due to his childish understanding. The children that are deterred by beating are very few. Therefore, it is not right to utilize beating as a successful educational means, except according to the limits of necessity as studied by a wise educator.

Question 166

My child is quick-tempered, quarrelsome, and aggressive. He asks for some things at inappropriate times. He wants to possess whatever he likes, and sometimes he seizes others' things and holds them whiningly and stiffly. I feel ashamed before others because of him. Would you please give me a solution?

The answer: Anger is a kind of excitement inside man that appears through his words and gestures. Excitement has external incentives at some times and internal ones at other times.

In fact, the power of angriness is a good defensive instinct in the life of man and nations that Allah has created in man to help him be in certain situations brave, valiant, and heroic. However, it is like other instincts. If it is not guided in the way of goodness, reform, and piety, it will move in the opposite direction and destroy the noble values.

There is a saying that courage and full-heartedness are among the hereditary aspects, and so are anger and quick-temperedness.

As for anger in children, educationists say that it begins in the third year and decreases when the child becomes five and a half years old. Children learn anger and nervousness from their parents and the persons around them in the house, kindergarten, or school. Children also learn that from some exciting films. They imitate what they see in those films

thinking it is a condition for them to be accepted by society or to prove their personalities and existence among their fellows. Thus, they feel the pleasure of pride and importance.

Regardless of the age differences of those who show their anger, the common thing between all kinds of anger is that the angry person places himself at the center of all things and becomes utterly selfish when he wants something, which could be his or others', and he then disagrees with others.

On the other hand, an angry child provokes his parents' anger and then his desire to defend his pleasure and aim increases in him. In this wrong way, angriness deepens in the child while his parents and relatives do not feel it.

To cure this state, one should not reciprocate the angry child with anger. When the child becomes angry, parents should not be angry with him, because in order to put out the fire, one needs to pour water on it and not add fuel!

Besides, you should make the child understand that the pleasure of proving his personality and existence among others is not gained through anger or forcefully seizing things but is instead gained through love and cordiality.

At the same time, the parents should not submit to the unreasonable desires of the child. Submission to all his desires makes him ask for anything at anytime and deepens in him obduracy and obstinacy, and then he does not care whether his parents are able to meet his requests or not. In fact, excessive pampering makes the child ask for everything and with no limits. Of course, he becomes angry if he faces a limit that he has not faced before. Hence, the parents may be, most of the time, the cause in making the child grow accustomed to asking for everything because they meet all his requests in order to avoid his insistence, as they think, but the fact that is not known to them is that their child will now ask for new things again and again.

Yes, if parents are able to buy for their child what he sees in the hands of others and wants, they should do so; otherwise, they

should be patient enough to tolerate their child's angriness and insistence.

Question 167

Each one of my children has his own special characteristics and ambitions. How should I deal with them in the house? I love them from the depths of my heart, but I am too arbitrary with them, and I fear that it will affect their futures. I do not know whether I am right or wrong in my way of dealing with them!

The answer: Dear brother, I have read wonderful educational statements of an Iranian writer called Muhammad Taqi Ma'soomi. I translate them here with my additions in reply to your question. The author says,

1. If you want your children to live psychologically and mentally in safety and soundness, you should avoid quarreling in their presence.

2. If you want your children to not be obstinate, you should not always reject their requests, insult them, or shout at them before others.

3. If you want your children to listen to you, you should listen to them carefully and respectfully.

4. If you want your children to not get used to bad morals and nervousness, you should not treat them with rude, superior orders and strict instructions.

5. If you want your children to not feel desperate or disappointed, you should not scold them with severe words when they fail to achieve success in something.

6. If you want your children to not mistrust you, you should not promise them what you cannot fulfill.

7. If you want to strengthen your children's self-confidence, you should praise them for their good deeds and reward them with some gifts.

8. If you want your children to obey you, you should not scold them or insist that they obey you.

9. If you want your children to be successful in the future, you should be a good example for them in orderliness, planning, and deliberation.

10. If you want your children to not be slack in speaking and talking to you, you should smile at them whenever they want to speak and show them that you will listen carefully to them when they want to talk.

11. If you want to help your children in studying their lessons, you should not do that without consulting someone who specializes in school affairs.

12. If you want to guide your children out of their troubles, you should listen to their questions carefully and react to their sufferings.

13. If your children are weak in their studies and you want to help them, you should not blame them with words like "failure", "weak", "dull", "stupid," etc.

14. If you want your children to not be defeated by despair and to not submit to failure when disappointed, you should assure them that bitter events pass away quickly.

Finally, dear brother, you should not lose your patience and be desperate because life is full of difficulties and memories. You should write down on its pages what pleases you and what will make your family remember you after your death with good thoughts and prayers.[1]

Question 168

How can I sow the love of religion in my children so that they will adhere to it up to the last moment of their lives?

The answer: There is no doubt that the true religion of Islam has intellectual and practical teachings that feed man with a sound sustenance and make him happy in all fields of life. Since it is so, then the importance of religion in man's life makes it obligatory on him to make every effort to arrive at

[1] Iranian Hamshahri Newspaper, vol.2001.

religion. Allah has said, (O you who believe! save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones). [1]

Now, what should we do to sow the seed of religiousness in our children and to assure their adhering to it throughout their lives?

It is very important for fathers and mothers to know that children are born with a certain nature, but the environments they live in take them away from that nature. And there is no difference between home, school, and the street.

Watching the environment and purifying it from cultural poisons is the first step in the educational task. After that, you can make your children memorize the Qur'an, Hadith, or some religious oratorios and anthems according to their ages and incorporate that into their daily affairs; for example, when they want to go to bed, you can teach them to recite some Qur'anic verses and some supplications. You can say to them that these verses and supplications will make them sleep comfortably and they will see nice dreams and on the Day of Resurrection their reward will be great, or when they have their examinations, you can teach them to give alms and recite certain Qur'anic verses and certain supplications so that Allah may grant them success. You can also prepare some religious competitions for them and give prizes to the winners. Besides this, you should continuously take them to religious meetings.

Religious stories have great influences on planting Islamic concepts in children's minds, especially the stories of the prophets and imams (s) and the stories of Paradise and its pleasures. Children must be taken to religious meetings and given a role there, such as distributing sweets, arranging books and the copies of the Qur'an, or thelike.

You have to protect your children with spiritual relations and strengthen religious values in them before they reach adolescence or adulthood, because this stage is the stage of physical, psychological, mental, and intellectual changes. If

[1] Qur'an, 66:6.

their foundation is solid and firm, they will not be defeated by suspicions, and they will pass the stage of adolescence soundly and successfully.

Question 169

Once, one of my friends told me that his daughter had left his house, and it was said that she had been a prostitute. He asked me if Islam permitted him to wipe off this disgrace by killing her.

The answer: Ask your friend to review himself first whether he has been wrong in his conducts towards his daughter that led her to practice this sin!

I know someone whose two daughters have openly been prostitutes. When I asked one of his relatives about the family circumstances of the two girls, he confirmed to me that their father was a drunkard. I said that the offspring coming out of drinking would not be better than that!

I hope that your friend is not of this kind! On the other hand, when some fathers see a mistake or a suspicious behavior in their children, they begin inquiring suspiciously, and then they treat the guilt as if it is true. They begin insulting their children, beating them, and demeaning them in the presence of others. And consequently, if that child has not committed that guilt, he will then commit it defiantly.

This way of education has led many youths astray because they think: as long as our parents suspect us, then let us be as they suspect! They begin looking for bad friends, bad films, narcotics, or the like. Thus, they begin the journey of deviation. Therefore, the first thing that leads the youth to go astray is the kind of conduct displayed by parents towards their children, whereas parents can protect their children by following another manner in dealing with them: it is the manner of the holy Prophet (s), about whom Allah the Almighty has said, (Thus it is due to mercy from Allah that you deal with them gently, and had you been rough, hard hearted, they would certainly

have dispersed from around you). [1] Leniency, mercifulness, and kindness are basic elements of the successful manners of education and guidance. Unfortunately, most Muslims have given up these elements, and therefore, Allah has not blessed their lives!

Sometimes, youth are led astray by the habits of the masters of the family themselves. For example, you find a father forbidding his son from smoking while he himself smokes, or forbidding him from watching bad films while he himself watches them, and, on some occasions, talking about his past youth and how he spent his nights watching bad films or going with his friends to the cinema. Or you may find a mother talking about the past days of her unveiledness or showing photos of herself while unveiled, whereas she now asks her daughter to veil herself without criticizing her own past behaviors or feeling sorry for it. This duality in the parents' personalities will be planted in their children's personalities.

Let us first watch ourselves to make sure that we are not unknowingly the cause of our children's deviation.

Regarding permission for killing one's daughter after the guilt has been proven, it is to be determined by the religious authority (marji' at-Taqlid) who the father imitates. Let this father ask his authority about the matter. However, I think that there is no one who will permit him to kill his daughter. There is a certain punishment for adultery, but that is carried out only when it is possible and justifiable. We wish he would guide her with leniency, love, and kindness and forgive her for what she has committed, for surely Allah loves those who repent and purify themselves.

Question 170

My son is a drug addict. He has troubled us with problems that we never imagined would someday occur with him. What is the cure? What is the required conduct we should follow with him that pleases

[1] Qur'an, 3:159.

Allah? And how can we raise our heads before people?!

The answer: It is supposed that you could have managed his affairs before this fall. However, since the calamity has already taken place, the first possible solution is to adapt yourselves to it, but this is not the cure for addiction as you may think. However, what doctors suggest can be tried.

As for dealing with a drug addict, it differs from one to another. Sometimes, it would be better to deal with a drug addict kindly, and sometimes severity is required so that others are not encouraged to walk in the same way. In general, you have to be wise and moderate in dealing with your addicted son, for it is the closest way to righteousness and the reward of Allah.

A manner of suppression or severance does not solve the problem at all; rather, it complicates it. A reasonable person is he who acts according to the reality and limits the area of the calamity that has afflicted him and tries his best to not let others fall. Islam has taught us that "a believer is not stung from the same hole twice".

Question 171

I have four children. I am retired and I cannot tolerate seeing their mistakes. Would you please advise me as to how to deal with them when they make mistakes?

The answer: The mistakes may be intentional or may not be, as when they are committed because of the lack of full experience or immaturity. A successful father has to distinguish between these two kinds of mistakes and react accordingly. In any case, the father should strengthen his children's personalities by injecting knowledge and intellect in them on every occasion and should make his children understand the consequences of committing mistakes and the suffering of regret. The father should instruct his children in a lenient way full of love and kindness and away from coercion and compulsion. The father has to make friends with his children to gain their love, and then his advices will have a good influence on them.

If you want this, you have to be lenient in dealing with your children. You must give the mistaken one an opportunity to reflect and review his situation and must not attack him severely and indeliberately, for then you will cause him to respond in the same way, turn his back on you, and hate you forever. You should keep in mind that the mentality of the youth is like glass, which if broken, one will have to face many difficulties to mend. Therefore, it is very necessary for you to follow wise manners in advising and criticizing your children. When you want to make them understand that they have committed a mistake, you should talk with them leniently about the harms of mistakes and sins and teach them ways of giving up or avoiding mistakes and sins and the advantages of that. With such a quiet method of blaming, you will make them understand their responsibilities, and they will then give up erring.

If you follow these important points for a short period, you shall not find yourself in need of being angry at your children when they commit mistakes, especially when you remember that Allah becomes angry at you if you commit a sin intentionally, and He forgives you if you repent sincerely. Let your morals towards your children be like the morals of Allah towards sinners in both cases!

Question 172

Would you please guide me as to what are the most important manners I need in educating my children? I am very concerned to make them good believers following the true Islam and serving the society. I want to be proud of them in this world and in the afterworld.

The answer: May Allah bless you for this high determination. I pray to Allah to make you successful in achieving your goal and it is not difficult for Him. However, this task has some conditions, such as the following:

1. You have to read about the details you will need in the religious books of education because they will open the doors

for your ambition.

2. You have to consult with someone regarding the educational questions and cooperate with him in the tasks that require more than one person.

3. You should try to discover in your children their distinguished talents and then try to direct them in a way that pleases Allah the Almighty.

4. You have to always show your love to your children and regard their wills, and when your will conflicts with theirs, you have to discuss the matter leniently with them, determine the important and the more important things, and then agree with them on the best possible solution.

5. Smiles and cheerfulness have a great influence on man's success and happiness. Try your best to plant these things in your children, and the best artist is he who wipes away a child's tear to draw a smile and delight on his countenance.

Question 173

Western and eastern scholars have written many books and detailed studies on education, and Islamic scholars have also written much on this subject. Would you please give us a summary of the Islamic opinion in this concern?

The answer: In spite of what has been said about education by scholars, whether concurring or conflicting, I think that what the Prophet (s) and his progeny (s) have said is the most correct because they are connected, in their sayings, with the Aware Creator, the Lord of the Worlds, Who has sent to us His prophets to purify and teach us. It is the Islamic education that is derived from the Holy Qur'an and the sayings and actions of the Prophet (s) and his rogeny.

Allah says, (Even as We have sent among you a Messenger from among you who recites to you Our communications and purifies you and teaches you the Book and the wisdom and

teaches you that which you did not know). [1]

Imam Ali (s), the master of the eloquent, the leader of the intellect, and the pioneer of the pious, showed the goal of the prophets' missions by saying, 'And sent to them His prophets, one after the other, to take from them the covenant of His nature, remind them of His forgotten blessings, argue against them with delivering the missions, and move the hidden secrets of minds…'.[2]

Allah has created man for an exalted goal and He knows what He has created. He knows what benefits His creature and makes them happy and what harms them and makes them wretched. Allah has created man from a spirit, then clothed him with the body, placed in him the will, and granted him the blessing of freedom to choose on his own one of two things: either good or evil.

Allah the Almighty says, (Have We not given him two eyes, and a tongue and two lips, and pointed out to him the two conspicuous ways?) [3]

Allah also says, (Surely We have shown him the way: he may be thankful or unthankful). [4]

The task of the prophets, imams, sincere clergymen, and all the followers of this straight path comes to form the conduct of man and guide him to the path of goodness. However, if man, after that, wants evil for himself, he himself is to be blamed. Allah says, (Say: Every one acts according to his manner; but your Lord best knows who is best guided in the path). [5]

This care clearly shows that Allah loves man, has dignified him, and prefers him to most of His creatures. But, has man been sincere to this honor and preference?

[1] Qur'an, 2:151.

[2] Nahjol Balagha, sermon 1.

[3] Qur'an, 90:8-10.

[4] Qur'an, 76:3.

[5] Qur'an, 17:84.

Proofs and evidences show that man, as Allah has described him, is unjust and ignorant, except those who believe in Allah and have been granted knowledge. Allah has elevated such people to confirm that He rewards man for what he chooses for himself; if he follows the path of guidance, he will live happily in this world and be rewarded with the bliss of Paradise in the afterlife, but if he goes astray, he will live wretchedly in this life and be rewarded with the Fire of Hell. There will be degrees and differences among the people of Paradise and the people of Hell according to their level of guidance or deviation.

Allah says, (And the soul and Him Who made it perfect. Then He inspired it to understand what is right and wrong for it. He will indeed be successful who purifies it, and he will indeed fail who corrupts it). [1]

And this is from the theophanies of the wisdom, justice, and power of Allah in man's life before he is created, in the womb, and after birth.

If parents and educationists care greatly for children, the children will grow positively and their hidden powers will take their courses in the right paths.

Imam Zaynol Aabidin (s) says in his supplication, 'O Allah, support me in bringing them up, educating them, being dutiful to them….'

Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'Everyone is born on the Divine Nature, but his parents make him either a Jew, Christian, or a magus.'[2]

Parents should know that their child, when born, is pure and innocent in nature, such is (the nature made by Allah in which He has made men). [3] Let the parents be careful in how they deal with this pure nature!

In other words, a child is like gold and silver. A skillful

[1] Qur'an, 91:7-10.

[2] Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 2 p.87.

[3] Qur'an, 30:30.

goldsmith is able to mold any of these metals in the best way.

Please ponder on the questions and answers in this chapter about educating the children who will be, after a few years, masters of their own families and of society, and then see what kind of masters you want!

Question 174

How can I make my children love reading so that books and knowledge can be an important part of their interests in life?

The answer: First, you should make your children find this interest in you. It means that you should read books before them, bring good books home with you, care for new cultural publications such as religious and scientific books or magazines, and let them notice this clearly in you.

Second, you should tell your children about what you have read and talk to them about the facts, wonders, and attractive tales you have read.

Third, when you reply to their questions, you may refer to books to obtain the answers to their questions, and, at the same time, tell them that they can learn many things by referring to books.

Fourth, you can take your children to the library to see scenes of great volumes in order so that books can take roots in their minds. At the same time, you can talk to them about the great advantages of those books and their roles in achieving the happiness of man and society, and how the authors have strived day and night to present those books to their readers to illuminate their ways towards goodness and happiness.

Fifth, when your children finish reading a book, you can ask them to tell you what they have understood from that book, and you may encourage them by offering them some gifts.

This is if you yourself are interested in reading; otherwise, you can talk to them about the advantages of reading books and show them that you are very sorry because, for certain reasons, you have had no opportunity to read books and you do not want

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your children to be sorry like yourself in the future.

Question 175

My fourteen-year-old son likes listening to songs, watching foreign films, and imitating western fashions. Besides, he is lazy in performing his religious obligations. How should I deal with him?

The answer: Man often, especially in the transitional period from childhood to youth, becomes involved in some slips and sins. Perhaps he does not intend to commit them willingly, but because of the Satan's incitement, he goes towards those prohibited things just for a change, out of curiosity, or as a new experiment.

If you follow the three steps mentioned below, you will be successful in guiding your son and rescuing him from the swamp of sins; otherwise, you will make him continue his sins if you follow the wrong manner of dealing with him.

To behave wisely, you should tolerate your son's mistakes in this stage of his life because they will come to an end. You should remember that Allah is merciful to His people and He forgives their sins.

Here are the three steps:

First, you have to make friends with him and show him your love and kindness. You can go out with him to buy for him what he needs of clothes and other things. Always smile at him, and consult with him on some affairs with which you entrust him. Continue doing this until you become certain that he trusts you and begins obeying you sincerely.

Second, you have to prepare for him some alternatives, such as religious oratorios instead of songs and Islamic films instead of foreign films. Talk to him about the harms of imitating westerners. Tell him that nowadays many western people have begun imitating Islamic conducts because they find in them gravity, purity, and high morals.

Third, you have to take him with you to the mosque, to religious meetings, and to the meetings of the ulama. You have

to acquaint him with good youth so he can befriend them.

Question 176

My son, who is fourteen years old, is too opinionated. He argues over every subject I discuss with him to the extent that sometimes I feel I dislike him, whereas he was not like this before.

The answer: This state is one of the results of adolescence and it will continue in your son until the age of eighteen or after that. You should tolerate him in this period. When you order him to do something or forbid him from something you have to justify your ordering or forbidding with logical reasons. You should not expect him to respond to you immediately. You should leave him free if he is not somehow harming himself or destroying his future. You should give him enough time to ponder over your advices.

In this way, you will win him over in the long range. When he becomes an adult, he will appreciate your wise manner of treating him during his adolescence. Your advices and instructions to him will remain as good lessons in his life with which he can treat his own children correctly in the future.

Question 177

My sons are wicked. Whenever they go out in the street, they cause troubles to the neighbors and passers-by. Would you please instruct me with how to deal with them? I have been ashamed of myself for being their father.

The answer: These phenomena often arise due to previous reasons and previous neglect in educating the children. Now, it is too difficult for the children to change in a short time. However, following these points can help you to decrease the problem:

1. You should talk to them about the religious and worldly rights of people, relate to them some stories, and bring them some social films and cassettes of religious lectures about the subject.

2. You should tell them that evil will return to its doer someday, and surely Allah will punish the wrongdoer.

3. You can ask some notable persons to advise them in a wise way. They may make friends with them gradually through presents, invitations, and picnics to guide them little by little.

4. You have to apologize to whosoever your children may have harmed and pray to Allah to forgive you for being negligent in educating your children.

5. You may arrange with some good boys in your neighborhood to befriend your children and contact them most of the time.

Question 178

My child has grown accustomed to lying. He fabricates news as if they are true. Would you please give me a solution to save him from this vice?

The answer: Lying has some reasons. One who lies aims for one of the following:

1. to harm or take revenge on some persons whom he hates or with whom he is angry

2. to escape punishment

3. to show off

There is a kind of lying resulting from imagination, which is the most usual among children. The reason behind lying is sometimes because of TV and bad films, sometimes because of the strained atmosphere in the family, and other times because of the influence of friends who practice lying.

To treat this problem first you have to remove its causes and then teach the child the advantages of being truthful and the disadvantages of lying. In all of this, you should speak with your child respectfully and leniently. You may read some books of ethics about the subject and then mention it to him through stories and attractive statements. You should beware of being severe to him or beating him because this will lead him to be obstinate and obdurate for he will then try to prove that he has

a personality that cannot be defeated by beating.

To treat this problem you yourself have to be truthful to him and not let him find any kind of lying in you at all. If you lie and he discovers that, you should either apologize to him or explain the reasons that led you to lie in a persuasive manner.

Question 179

Whenever my child commits a mistake, I beat him a lot, but he still repeats his mistake obstinately though he suffers the bitter pain of beating and cries. I then punish him more severely than before, and he intentionally commits the mistake again and with more obstinacy, all the while looking at me as if to let me know that he does it intentionally. I do not know how to deal with him! Sometimes I fear that I will not be able to control my nerves when I beat him and I may cause him a permanent handicap in his body, and this will cause me great remorse besides the punishment of my Lord. Would you please tell me what I should do with him and with myself?

The answer: By beating him, you implant the mistakes in him more deeply. Extra beating and punishing do not lead the child to aught but greater obdurateness or physical hindrances and psychological complexes because the child, in return for being beaten and insulted, will defend his dignity and personality with all the physical and mental powers he has. His obduracy will continue until all his powers run out.

Do you want this? Certainly not! However, if you do not control your nerves, you may realize that which you fear, and then regret shall neither restore your child's soundness nor inspire the soul in him again. Therefore, you should not destroy your child's personality, dignity, and powers. The mistake he commits, whatever it may be, is less harmful than the harms you cause him. A mistake may disappear by advices or by the passing of time, but the physical and mental damage cannot be treated by advices or by the passing of time.

Besides, severe beating is not lawful in the Islamic Sharia. You have to keep this legal matter and the aforementioned fact in mind to give up your wrong manner of dealing with your child.

You can follow another manner in educating him that is closer to the Sharia, reason, and peace of mind.

I remember a story of a young man who beat his father until he was about to die at his hands. One day I asked my father, 'Why does he do so to his father?' My father said, 'He is just reaping what he sowed! He used to always beat his son when he was a child and did not think that some day things would change, that he would be weak and his son would grow stronger and avenge himself on his father in the light of the scenes he had kept in mind since childhood.'

You should give up angriness, severity, and beating. You should adopt the qualities of the true believers as Imam Ali (s) has said, 'The believers are easy and lenient'.[1]

Dear brother, I would ask you to write down this saying (of Imam Ali) and hang it on every wall of your house so you can remember it whenever you become angry. I would also ask all those who disagree with others to hang this holy tradition before their eyes lest they follow the steps of the Satan when they are in disagreement.

Question 180

My husband is quick-tempered. He does not tolerate the noises and mistakes of our children; therefore, he does not treat them but with beating and severe punishments. He is like a military officer, our house is like a camp, and our children are like powerless soldiers. As for me, I am worried about the future of our unlucky family. I want you to write to these fathers about the harms of severity and beating the children that they may decide to live quietly and comfortably. What is the value of a life in such tension?

The answer: One of the fathers' problems is that they have not learned their religion concerning education and the rights of the family. They think they possess the necks of their wives and the lives of their children. Children are deposits that Allah has entrusted parents with, and women are humans having rights

[1] Jami' al-Akhbar, p.217.

and duties just as men have.

The state of this father, as an example, is very dangerous, and he will be blamed and punished severely for it on the Day of Resurrection. The least danger of this state is that the children who graduate from this "military camp," will be quarrelsome, severe, and violent against people and even against their wives and children. The guilt of this is the father's, and he will receive the curses of people as well.

Beating is one of the widespread wrongs of education. Islam has prohibited beating except in some exceptional cases. Beating should be utilized for discipline only and within the following guidelines:

1. A child should not be insulted and blamed; rather it is his wrongdoing that is to be criticized.

2. Parents should be certain of whether or not their child deserves punishment, according to whether or not the wrong was committed intentionally.

3. Before beating, parents should make their child understand the harms of his wrongdoing.

4. Parents should choose a suitable place, suitable quantity, and suitable means for punishment.

5. Before being punished, the child should know the reason for his punishment.

6. After punishing the child, parents should deal with him as normal, with love and mercy.

7. Punishment should be carried out secretly and not in the presence of others, and this will be more fruitful and positive.

Question 181

My son is about to be an adult. I fear for him that perhaps he shall be corrupted, sinful, or shall have suspicious relations with girls. Would you please show me the successful manner of dealing with him before such a calamity will afflict him and me?

The answer: You should know, first, that a young man always

looks for whatever makes him delighted, joyful, and pleased. Some of the things that cause joy and pleasure are lawful and some are unlawful. It is your duty to show him which of them are lawful and which are not. But, if you prevent him from his ambition, you will lead him to either suppression and psychological complexes or to practicing sins secretly with complexes as well. Then, you will involve him and yourself in the calamity from which you want to escape.

The only way of a sound education, in which the youth are guided to a happy moral and material life, is to let one live naturally without depriving him of the good blessings Allah has given to His people.

Once, I admired one believer brother who lived in a Western country for saying to his adult son in my presence, 'My son, keep yourself safe and beware not to slip into the traps of the western girls!'

His son replied frankly, 'They are very beautiful, and they themselves follow me. What shall I do if I cannot be patient?'

The father said, 'Then, you can practice temporary marriage legally, but do not commit sin!'

The youth, in the age of adulthood and some years after that, must face the facts of life. If you want to protect your son, you should understand the new facts of life nowadays and make him understand them with love, kindness, and leniency but not violence or severity.

Have you ever experienced for yourself when you visit a country for the first time? What would you do in the first days where you know nothing about its places, streets, people, or laws? Would you not be cautious and, at the same time, be eager to know everything until you actually did learn some things and then you could set out confidently? There is no doubt that you would thank whoever helped you and showed you the ways there truthfully and respectfully. Wouldn't you?

Your young son lives in the same case when he opens his eyes to face the new facts of adulthood and the period after it. He

looks for whoever can help him but with kindness, love, truthfulness, and respect. I am sure that he will thank you sincerely if you are that loving and merciful friend who will help and guide him to pass the way of adolescence. You may remember when you yourself were in this stage of life!

Question 182

Why do our children stand still in their places and disobey us when we ask them for something? What is the cause of their mutiny, obdurateness, and disobedience?

The answer: You should not think that the cause of this phenomenon is only one cause. In fact, there are many causes. For example:

1. The child may not know the purpose of the thing requested from him. Here, parents can show him the purpose and instruct him in a language that he can understand.

2. He may think that the thing requested is not important, and so the importance of the thing should be declared to him.

3. He may not know how to carry out the thing requested, and here he can be taught the way.

4. He may not know which is of greater priority when two things are requested from him. Here, parents should explain to him what his priorities are.

5. He may think that he shall not be punished when he rebels and shall not be rewarded when he obeys. Here, parents should make him understand that there is a suitable punishment and reward.

6. He may not be able to carry out the thing requested from him. Here, parents should not burden him with what he cannot do.

7. The means required to carry out the things requested from him may not be available to him.

Question 183

My child, who is two years old, insists on his independence in food. He does not accept for me to feed him. This causes him to dirty himself and his surroundings, and sometimes he scatters the food on the carpets where the colors of food cannot be removed from them. When I take the vessel of food away from him, he cries, resists, and refuses to eat at all. I do not know whether or not I should allow him to dirty everything. I am confused as to how to deal with him.

The answer: Dear sister, take life easy and adapt yourself to such matters! Do not trouble yourself and do not make your child angry! Let him feel his freedom because it is more important than his food. Let him build his personality on the principles of independence and self-confidence because these are the bases of his future. In a word, you should leave him free and not tire your nerves and his because you are in dire need of calm nerves to face the difficulties of life!

You have to put these advantages in a scale and dirty clothes, carpets, and other things in another scale and then see which of them you prefer.

There is no doubt that you will prefer the advantages of freedom, independence, and tranquility, and this is undoubtedly the right choice.

During meals, you can humor your child in any way that will make him cooperate. For example, after one, two, or three spoonfuls of food that he pours on himself, you can offer him the rest while playing with him by imitating the sound of a car, train, motorcycle, bird, or anything else.

I myself have been successful with my son "Muhammad Jawad" in this way. I would bring a spoonful of food close to his mouth and imitate the sound of the door when knocked. I would say, 'Knock, Knock!', and my son would reply, 'Who is at the door?' I would say, 'Please open! I am the bread and egg.' My son would then say while opening his mouth, 'Come in please!' Then I would put the food into his mouth.

In this way, one should play with his child and behave like him as the Prophet (s) has recommended us to do in his educational

traditions.

It is a stage that will come to an end when the child grows older and becomes more reasonable while the concepts of freedom, independence, self-confidence, respect, love, and kindness are deeply rooted inside him, whereas the clothes and carpets that became dirty can be cleaned, and even if they cannot be cleaned, they have no great value when compared to the essential concepts of building the future personality of the child.

Indeed, if parents care for these bases of building their children's personalities, they will produce wonderful fruits by them. However, most people think just of the present and ignore the distant future. For their temporary comfort, they destroy the real ease for themselves and for their children who are tomorrow's adults.

Question 184

I would like to ask for prompt educational recommendations with which you may help me deal with my seven-year-old son. With my regards.

The answer: 1. You should discover the hobbies and interests of your child and see which of them attracts him more so that you can direct him rightly.

2. You should explain to your child all the affairs concerning him and how he should behave when at home, in the school, on the street, or at other places.

3. You have to consult with him on issues concerning him.

4. You have to let him do certain things by himself because this will make him self-confident and help him discover his own abilities.

5. The child should be given his due freedom within the possible activities of the family.

6. When explaining to the child an idea or a matter that concerns him, you should use an easy language and

understandable examples derived from his daily life.

7. At the same time when you are serious in dealing with your child, you have to be lenient to him too.

8. The child's being angry, escaping from school, and practicing aggressive acts show that he suffers from a psychological problem. Therefore, instead of beating or scolding him, which will make him mutinous and obdurate, you should identify the cause behind his psychological problem or problems. Being patient and wise in your dealing and talking with him will be the shortest way to get to his heart and then solve his problems radically and constructively.

Question 185

I am a teacher of the Holy Qur'an in a mosque. I give short lectures on religious education and manage some programs on certain Islamic occasions. I have read some books on education. I would like you to show me, and those like me, what you consider to be fundamental in the education of the new generation according to the Islamic values in which we believe.

The answer: I thank you for your trusting in me in this concern. As for your question, here are some teachings that we have derived from the Islamic values according to the views of the Ahlul Bayt (s):

1. Religious education should be carried out in an attractive manner with clear examples, nice stories, and meaningful gestures of the face and the hands. Such a manner will have a great influence on the new generation and will help to plant and retain these ideas in their minds throughout their lives.

2. You should follow everything you say to your listeners so that they will find in you the practical example and will thus be certain that the religious teachings can be applied.

3. You yourself should believe in what you say to your listeners.

4. You should try to discover what things your listeners like and, through those things, get to their hearts. In this way, you can establish the religious concepts in them.

5. On every occasion, you should try to make them love Allah. Show them the greatness of Allah, His mercy, favor, and love for us. Show them that the cause of some of our problems is due to our ignorance, and the cause of some others is due to our enemies. In general, these problems are tests by which Allah tries our faith and will in this life.

6. Punishing, insulting, and ignoring deprive religious teachings of their spirit.

7. Using puzzles and confusing questions is a good manner in teaching that activates the students' minds and attracts their attentions to the lectures. However, it would be better to choose questions whose themes concern the practical affairs of life.

8. Graduality, systematicness, and unhurriedness in speaking are important factors in teaching and explaining themes and ideas.

9. Quoting from the stories of the prophets and from the lives of Prophet Muhammad (s) and the infallible imams (s) is very important in teaching.

10. You should praise and appreciate the good features and deeds of your listeners.

11. You should keep your gravity and calmness and not resist an idea put forth by one of your students just because he is a student.

12. You have to watch for any change in the conducts of your students and always pay attention to their affairs.

13. You have to make use of modern equipments, such as computer, internet, films, and recorders, to develop educational methods. It is good to allow the students to work with these equipments by themselves.

14. You should not ask them for fees. You should be satisfied with your sincerity to Allah for He, Who will assure your reward in the afterlife, will assure your livelihood in this life from where you do not expect it.