HOW DOES ISLAM BUILD THE FAMILY
The Imam, Ali bin Al-Husain (a.s.) wrote back to him: "I received your
letter reproaching me for marrying my bondmaid, claiming that there
were in Quraish women who would have brought glory to me if I married
them and have their children. But no one is superior than the
Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) in glory and generosity. She had been of my
belongings, I emancipated her from my possessions for a reward I
expect from Allah, then I took her back (married) according to His
law. Whoever is steadfast in the religion of Allah, nothing will harm
him. Allah has, with Islam, raised those who were despised, perfected
by it the defects, and removed worthlessness. So a Muslim cannot be
worthless, and worthlessness belongs to the Era of Ignorance."27
When Abdul Malik read the letter, he was dumbfounded and threw it to
his son Sulaiman, acknowledging his failure in insulting the Imam
(a.s.).
Sulaiman, having read the letter, told his father: "O Commander of
the Believers, how boastful, Ali bin Al-Husain is to you!
Abdul-Malik replied, "O Son, do not say so, He is the most elegant of
all Bani Hashim who `split the rock and drank out of an ocean' (of
Knowledge)., Ali bin Al-Husain, dear son, gets higher where other
people get lower."
In this way Islam has removed the gravest and most hindering of
obstacles which contradicted the human spirit and nature.
Having managed to overcome this social handicap, and to change this
backward and ignorant way of thinking, Islam tackled another
materialistic problem, whose bad effect was hindering marriages and
the establishment of families, that is the problem of high
marriage-portions.
Having defined the concept of marriage as a universal and natural
system through which man performs the legal ties and connections,
Islam looked upon marriage-portion as a secondary thing and placed
marriage high above all materialistic benefits and interests. It
abolished all concepts which regarded marriage-portion as the woman's
price, or as wedding expenses.
Islam regards the mutual consent of both parties, the husband and
wife, as two corners of matrimonial relations, the best reason for
concluding a marriage,* while the marriage-portion is but a gift on
which the legal contract is based. It is fixed before concluding the
legal contract. Although Islam does not fix any limits, however, it
encourages the lowest possible sum acceptable to the bride, even a
Dirham or less than it. It also allows marriage-portion to be in the
form of a service, such as teaching the wife to read and write, or to
memorize a chapter (Sura) of the Glorious Qur'an, or even to teach her a foreign
language or a certain profession, etc.
All these are devised to make marriage easy, and to do away with
whatever obstacles which stand in the way, like high marriage-portions
which in our contemporary society force people to remain single and
are a serious hindrance to a marriage.
These obstacles are all due to the resurgence of the backward
pre-Islamic concepts about marriage-portion, wedding expenses and
gifts for the bride, especially after the high cost of living and low
individual incomes.
So, in order to solve these social problems and help the individual
build family life easily and orderly, Islam strongly detests and
resists the high cost of weddings and extravagance, and urges people
to reduce the demands of marriage-portion to the lowest possible
level.
The Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) has said:
"The best women of my people are the most beautiful, but ask the
lowest possible `mehr' (marriage-portion)".
It has also been said:
"The blessing of a woman is her modest mehr"
Also, it is narrated: "...as to woman, her misfortune is in her high
`mehr' and (troublesome) delivery..."
The marriage of Fatimah (a.s.), daughter of the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.),
was unique regarding her portion. She married the Imam, Ali (a.s.) for a
modest sum of money ever recorded in history with pride and
endearment, despite the fact that she was the daughter of the
Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.), the noblest of the women of the world, and
that her father could afford her with a wealth matching that of the
women of Ceasars and Chosroes. Yet his goal was much more superior and
Fatima's personality and her marriage were much higher above wealth,
furniture and the trivialities of this world.
History has preserved this wonderful picture with respect and
splendor;
When the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) wanted to marry his daughter to the
Imam `Ali (a.s.), he asked him: "Have you anything to marry with?"
The Imam replied that except for a sword, an armor and a camel, which
the Imam sold for 480 Dirhams and handed the sum to the Prophet
(S.A.). The Prophet accepted this modest sum, and asked men and women
to purchase garments for the bride, some furniture and other household
necessities.
These were as follows:
1. An Egyptian woollen mat.
2. A leather pillow filled with palm fiber.
3. A cloak from Khaiber.
4. A water-skin.
5. Earthenware mugs.
6. Earthenware water jars.
7. A water basin.
8. Thin woolen curtains.
9. A bed with ribbons.
10. A mat from Hajar.
11. A vessel for dyeing.
12. A milk bowl.
13. A shirt.
14. A small water-skin.
15. A sieve.
16. A towel.
17. A stone hand-mill.
18. A copper pot.
This modest picture of the new home for the said cost was meant by
the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) to be an example of the highest level,
personifying the principles practically to be followed in life by
Muslims.
!- How the Building of the Family Begins?
The family, that important edifice based on legal foundations and
humane relations, as well as on natural and instinctive ones, is a
serious human building. Islam paved the way to its establishment,
through the following basic preparatory and constructive steps:
1. Encouraging and simplifying marriage, as has already been
explained.
2. Choosing the spouse. Since this is quite an important matter, and
on it are based the lives of the married couple, and the future of
their family and children, Islam takes special care recommends good
morals and physical attributes and righteous conduct as a code to be
observed by both parties on selecting a spouse. It also draws
attention to the unagreeable and detestable characteristics which are
to be avoided when choosing a partner.
Thus, Islam asks a man to choose a chaste, affectionate, and pious
woman of good character and manners, of a family known for its honor
and good conduct, endowed with a respectable personality among her
family and relations. Furthermore Islam does not neglect the aesthetic
elements such as beauty and good-looks, as well as the masculine
physical characteristics desired by women. But it does not give these
elements priority over morality and good behavior. Islam considers
these to be of secondary importance and below the attributes necessary
to be a good husband and wife.
The Traditions of the Prophet glitter with numerous sayings that
throw light on this important aspect of man and woman. Following are
some of his sayings dealing with this crucial subject:
"Beware of the green manure! Asked what a green manure meant, he
replied" A beautiful woman growing up in a bad environment"
"Choose for your seed, as the uncle [wife's brother] is [represented
by] one of the two bedfellows".
"Look for goodness in the beautiful faces, as their deeds are apt to
be good."
"Marry a pious woman, [or] your hands may be dirtied."
"Marry the virgin the prolific, not the beautiful but barren."
"Let me tell you about the worst of your women: The humiliated among
her folk, the haughty with her husband, the spiteful barren, the one
not refraining from evil, adorning herself during her husband's
absence, showing chastity only in his presence, heedless to his words,
disobeying his orders, recoiling from him when alone together like an
uncontrolable horse in riding, accepting no excuse from hem, and
forgiving none of his."
"The best of your woman is the prolific, the affectionate, the
chaste, the endeared of her family, humble with her husband, adorns
herself in his presence, fortifies herself against other than him,
listens to his words, and his orders, offers herself to him when
alone, but not so unabashed like him."
Imam Ali bin Al-Husain (a.s.) said:
"If one of you wants to marry, inquire about the woman's hair, as you
inquire about her face, as hair is one of the two beauties."
Likewise there are guidelines for the woman about the basic
characteristics to be sought for in a husband.
Imam Muhammad Al-Baqir (a.s.), has related from the Prophet:
"The Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) said: If a person of good character
sends a proposal to your daughter, then marry her to him. If you do
not, there will be mischief on earth and wide corruption."
The Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) further said:
"Do not marry a drunkard even if he proposes."
once Hussayn bin Bashshar Al-Wasati wrote to the Imam Ali bin Musa
Al-Ridha (a.s.), saying:
"A relative of mine has proposed for my daughter but he is rather
ill-tempered."
The Imam advised him:
"Do not marry to him if he is ill-tempered."
The second step towards establishing a family is the constructive one
which begins with the conclusion of the marriage contract between a
man had a woman. The marriage legally pronounces them husband and wife
and is an agreement for lawfully enjoying each other's company.
This contract cannot be concluded without the consent of both the
parties, since they are the two props that bring it in existence and
give it its value.
It is noteworthy to say that it is the woman, or her agent, who
conclude the contract, and not the man. It is she who offers to marry
the man, consents, agrees, fixes the `mehr' that is the amount of
money to be paid to the bride and to be mentioned while making the
agreement. She may also impose special conditions other than the
matrimonial rights granted by the Islamic personal law. This is true
of the husband too, provided that these conditions do not contradict
any established religious principles.
The marriage agreement is concluded orally, as follows: The woman
says to the man: "I marry you against a portion of (the amount is to
be stated.) The man immediately replies: "I accept".
So, when the woman or her agent, pronounce this text of the agreement
and the man or his agent accepts it, the agreement or the man or his
agent accepts it, the agreement or the contract is concluded between
the couple, and the matrimonial relations start and what had been
forbidden for them before the conclusion of the agreement, becomes
lawful for them to do. They are now free to start a family and enjoy
married life as the agreement authorizes both parties to build a
family. So, marriage is a process of consent and agreement between
the wills of man and woman. No marriage and no legal
relations can be established between them per force or without their
free will and consent, because marriage, in its creative meaning,
cannot be accomplished except through psychological and voluntary
harmony the man and the woman.
2. The Guardian and the Marriage Contract:
The Sacred legislation permits the father or the
grandfather-representing the father to marry his minor son or daughter
(below the age of puberty) and this agreement is regarded valid,
unless it is harmful and disadvantageous to either the boy or the
girl, in which case when they come of age they are free either to
accept the marriage conducted by their guardians or reject it.
Concerning a grown up woman who has legally come of age, if she is
divorced or widowed, her father and grandfather have no authority upon
her. She is the one to choose her spouse according to her free will.
But, as regards the virgin, the religious learned scholars have different opinions about the role of the father or the grandfather, in conducting her
marriage. They back their opinions with suitable Traditions and Saying
of the Prophet (S.A). On studying these opinions we find them fall
into three categories:
1. Some say that the father (or the grandfather or their agents)- has
the right to use his authority over his virgin daughter in respect to
her marriage, Accordingly, the guardian of the grown up virgin has the
right to marry her to a suitable man even without her consent. They
say that such a marriage is legal and valid and she cannot reject it.
But if he selects and inefficient man, or he cares only for his own
selfish interests resulting from such a marriage, it is considered
illegal and she has the right to reject it.
2. Another group of religious learned scholars suggest that the consent of both
the father or the grandfather or their agents and the daughter is
necessary. They maintain that the father cannot marry his daughter
without her consent and similarly she cannot accept a marriage
proposal without her father's consent. Neither of them has the right
to act unilaterally; as the lawfulness of this procedure depends on
their unanimous consent, provided the guardian would not choose an
unsuitable husband; but if he did and insisted on his choice, his
consent will no longer be considered necessary, and she is free to
marry herself, disregarding her guardian's consent.
3. A third group of religious learned scholars say that a grown up virgin who has
come of age cannot be subjected to the authority of her father,
grandfather or their agents, and they have no right to marry her
forcibly according to their choice, and, at the same time, she is not
obliged to ask for their consent to marry. It is only she herself who
can select her spouse. This group regards marriage to be a contract
just as any other contract. They maintain that since the grown up
woman has the right to conclude contracts or transactions like buying,
selling, possessing, donating, etc., and nobody can prevent her from
doing so, or even take part in the making of her decisions, similarly
she can act the same in respect to marriage. They back their opinion
with a number of Traditions and Sayings of the Prophet (s.a.w.) which are
stated in their arguments.
