sharing lives and seeking happiness

Question 65

What is the opinion of Islam about singing and dancing in wedding ceremonies? The opinions of people are contrary; some say it is lawful while others say it is unlawful.

The answer: In Islam, they are unlawful. The Prophet (s) has said, 'Allah has sent me as mercy to people, and to eradicate musicals, pipes, and the habits of the pre-Islamic era (jahiliyyah).'[1] It is because play, amusement, and singing do not meet with the aims of mercy, worship, and closeness to Allah.

Jurisprudents have agreed that during the night of the wedding, singing poetry with good and polite meanings is lawful, especially if it has praises of the Prophet (s) and his progeny. Some jurisprudents have permitted classical and quiet dancing, which is not mixed (between men and women) and which does not excite lust.

This exception (in permitting singing and dancing) is limited to weddings. Abu Baseer narrated, 'Once, I asked Abu Abdullah (Imam as-Sadiq) (s) about the income of a songstress (the money she gains for singing) and he said, 'It is unlawful for one, to whom men come, but there is no problem for the one,

[1] Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 71 p.250.

who is invited to weddings.'[1]

The wisdom in this exception is that Islam has made a distinction between marriage and adultery. Since adultery is done without the presence of people, Islam has intended for marriage to be performed openly and with attractive sound so that people can recognize this new marital relation between these two persons.

Many arguments have taken place between jurisprudents about the new methods in the world of singing and music. Many of them have considered singing and music unlawful because they cause many bad consequences. From the instruments of music and amusement, which incite lust, unlawful behaviors begin besides the bad poetry used in songs and the mixing between men and women until major sins are committed. Then, no excuse will remain for the angels to attend and bless that marriage.

Those who try to close their eyes to these unlawful doings under demonstrations of istihsan (approval) and assent have ignored that Islam wants weddings to be performed in spiritual and moral spheres fitting the principles of Islam and not the desires of the disease-hearted people who imitate the corruptive methods of the West.

We disagree with using instruments of amusements to turn weddings, which are acts of worship, to a stage of unlawful doings and behaviors. We reject the inviting of the Satan and the preventing of the angels to attend this honorable occasion.

The believers, who desire to be free from bad deeds until the Day of Resurrection, should avoid all that is performed by bad and disobedient people in their weddings, and thus they will be kept away from those upon whom Allah has brought His wrath.

Let us think about it in this way: would any of our infallible Imams (s) attend a wedding in which singing and dancing were practiced if he were invited to it?

[1] Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol.12 p.84

If we suppose that we are in the age of the reappearance of Imam al-Mahdi (s) and he is amongst us now, what will he think about our behaviors in the wedding?

Come! Let us make this faith in the unseen and our love for the Ahlul Bayt (s) the criterion of our behaviors on the occasions of joy so that Allah may bless these occasions for us.

We hope that the believers adhere to the limits of Islam and do not follow the Satan who wants them to fall in his traps and lose the blessings of weddings, which are from the Sunna of the Prophet (s) and the recommendable acts that are semi-obligatory.

Question 66

The gold ring has become the symbol of correlation between spouses, while in the Sharia it is unlawful for men to put on gold. Is there any exception concerning wedding bands?

The answer: There is no exception. A Muslim man has to test his faith in this critical position - whether he should obey his God or his desire.

Then, for what is all this insistence on a ring of gold? If the golden color is inevitable before people and cameras, the ring could be gilded for this purpose.

In our opinion, it would be better for the wife to put on a silver ring with a stone of carnelian on her husband's right pinkie while reciting blessings and peace on Muhammad (s) and his progeny and hoping that love will continue between them until they leave this world with a good end.

Question 67

What is the opinion of Islam about the period between the engagement and the wedding? Some people make the period too long and some make it short. Both have advantages and disadvantages.

The answer: The length of the period depends on the circumstances of the spouses. However, there are some

manners that must be observed during this period:

1. Hearty love, intellectual closeness, and mutual visits between the families of the two spouses to better know each other and to strengthen the relations between them are recommended.

2. They should avoid all that may hurt this blessed relation; offensive words, insults, and bad behaviors that cause hatred must be avoided. If some of this takes place accidentally from any of the spouses, they should apologize, excuse each other, and determine not to do that mistake again.

3. The spouses should read books about marital relations to learn the principles, rights, and manners of marriage.

4. They should not mistrust each other or argue over every matter.

5. The wife should learn how to manage the affairs of her new house and should convince herself of her new responsibilities. The husband also has to undertake his new responsibilities outside the house and inside the house in helping his wife as much as he possibly can.

6. During this period, the spouses should avoid doing what should be done on the night of wedding!

7. It is better to make this period short.

8. They should take care of cleaning their bodies and getting rid of unpleasant smells, especially the smell of the mouth by brushing the teeth five times before every prayer, or at least three times, before and after sleeping, and after lunch. They should use perfumes because the Prophet (s) always used perfume and he had recommended his Umma to also use it, except for women who should not use perfume except for their husbands or their mahrams in order to not incite the lusts of others.

Question 68

I am afraid of the unknown and worried about the future. I feel inward turmoil and psychological instability. Can I find a remedy in religion before my marital life comes to an end?

The answer: The present makes the future. If you manage your present according to good foundations, you will build for yourself a happy future. There is no excuse for your fear if you determine and rely on Allah Who says, (And (as for) those who strive hard for Us, We will most certainly guide them in Our ways; and Allah is most surely with the doers of good). [1]

Starting now, you have to spend every hour of your day in a way that pleases Allah, where if you think about your yesterdays (after your determination), you will be delighted, and this delight is the future that will make you proud of the right method you have determined to follow.

Dear brother, try to forget your painful past, your defects, and all of what hurts you psychologically! Set out towards Allah, Who grants success to whoever relies on Him, and submit to Him, and then, do not worry about any grief or distress concerning this life!

As for your marital life, you and your wife should read a lot to help you plan for a good and peaceful life.

Does he who wants to establish a successful company not read about all that concerns this aim?

You and your wife are two partners, who want to establish a happy life; therefore, you should read about all that concerns this aim.

When you follow this way, you will find in front of you your future clear and pleasant Inshallah.

[1] Qur'an, 29:69.

Question 69

High and excessive dowries have become a sort of competition between people and a cause of pride and boast in the meetings of women. And this is the reason that prevents the youth from getting married, and therefore, corruption spreads and the number of spinsters increases. The worst of the matter is that girls lose more because of the excessive dowries whereas parents do not feel their sufferings, and then when girls do something against their parents' will, the girls themselves are blamed and not the parents. The question is: what is the solution to this dangerous social problem?

The answer: A Muslim society that turns away from the true Islam strays into troubles and problems forever, unless it turns back to religion sincerely. This is the responsibility of all as the Prophet (s) says, 'All of you are guardians and all of you are responsible for your subjects.'

Flagrant, material manifestations like high dowries and external beauty have overwhelmed the lives of Muslims to the extent of absence of morals and principles. At the same time, troubles, problems, and enmities have filled their lives.

Islam has openly prohibited excessive dowries. The Prophet (s) said, 'Do not exaggerate dowries of women, lest enmity comes out!'[1] When we correlate this saying with the saying of Allah in the Qur'an, (Surely the Satan is your enemy, so take him for an enemy),[2] we conclude that exaggerating dowries is something pleasing to the Satan and thus is not a good deed. The Muslim family that accepts dowry as a means of happiness for their daughters actually brings them enmity and unhappiness by exaggerating that dowry.

The Prophet (s) says, 'The best women of my umma are those of prettiest faces and smallest dowries.'[3]

In my opinion, "with prettiest faces" means happy mien and

[1] Makarim al-Akhlaq, p.123, Bihar al-Anwar, vol.103 p.351.

[2] Qur'an, 35:6.

[3] Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 103 p.237.

bloom and not physical beauty as many people think. There are many women with pretty faces who are sullen and gloomy; therefore, they would not be the best of women even if their dowries were small.

Certainly it is not this that the Prophet (s) has meant by "pretty faces". Far be it from him to wrong the women who have not been created with pretty faces! Therefore, we are certain that the Prophet (s) has meant the moral beauty that gives woman happy mien, bloom, activeness, and high spirits, and these things are the most important factors of happiness in the marital life. When these qualities come together with a small dowry, a woman will be beautiful and one of the best women even if she lacks material beauty. The Prophetic traditions confirm what we have said. The Prophet (s) said, 'Whoever marries a woman just for her wealth, Allah will subject him to the wealth. Whoever marries a woman just for her beauty, he will see in her what he dislikes. But, whoever marries a woman for her faith, Allah will gather for him all that he likes in her.'

This is sufficient evidence to destruct the ignorant concepts of the material civilization and restore the religious concepts to people. Whoever turns away from this right path, will be an easy prey for devils from the humans and the jinn.

Question 70

Some people exaggerate the dowries of their daughters to assure themselves of one of two things: first, that the husband will be unable to divorce his wife, and second, if the husband does divorce his wife, she will get enough money that she can live without troubles. Are these motives justifiable whereas they are contrary to the Prophet's opinion?

The answer: Excessive dowries change marriage into a trade made for material motives, whereas easy and small dowries bring spouses closer to each other from moral and humane motives. In the first case, marriage is carried out with the mentality of traders, and then a woman is considered as any kind of goods. In the second case, marriage is carried out

according to morals and values, and the woman's actual value is realized.

We can close our eyes and say that a wise man does not say anything unless it has wisdom and benefit, that we may know some of it and not know most of it. This is for an ordinary wise man, then how about the wise Prophet (s), who did not say anything except that it came from the Wisest One of all?!

Yes! The Prophet (s) said, 'It is from the good fortune of woman that her engagement is made easy, her dowry is made easy, and her pregnancy is made easy.'[1]

What people imagine then is definitely not true because first, they are not more aware than the Prophet (s), and second, when someone wants to divorce his wife, he does that either due to his shortcoming and injustice or due to other justifiable reasons. If he is unjust to his wife, he will leave her alone without divorcing her in order to force her to give up her dowry, and then she will accept divorce without getting a bit of her dowry; otherwise she will suffer until the end of her life, and in this case her dowry will be of no use to her at all. But if the husband is not neglectful of his wife's rights, people will consider the wife to be mistaken and erroneous. Will she be happy with her dowry when people consider her so? Will someone come to marry her after her reputation becomes tainted, and it is said that she has mistreated her first husband? I think that no one would marry her except if he looks for wealth and lust, and these things do not make a happy marriage and a good life.

Third, why, at the beginning of marriage, which is a sacred and heavenly supported relation, does the family of the girl, who is about to be a wife, think of the guarantees of divorce? Does pessimism not kill the spirit of delight and joy of the ceremonies of marriage?

I think that the high ratio of divorce in our countries is due to the materialistic view, commercial thinking, and pessimistic

[1] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.4 p.279.

spirit surrounding marriages from the start.

Thus, many people throw themselves and their daughters into what they would like to escape from because they mistrust what their great Prophet (s) has said to them.

At the same time, while Islam recommends low dowries, it recommends Muslims to not marry their daughters except to religious and honest persons. There is no guarantee better than faith and morals to prevent the occurrence of divorce and injustice after divorce, if it takes place, due to legal excuses.

If the husband is religious, he will fear Allah and refrain from acting unjustly towards his wife, and if he has good morals and treats his wife fairly and kindly, he will not divorce her if she is similar to him in faith and morals. Therefore, a high dowry is of no importance here.

If the wife deserves to be divorced and the husband is faithful but he cannot afford to pay the dowry because of need, the wife will remain suspended until she submits to a divorce without the dowry that she has looked forward to.

Would that these people ponder on this Verse, (And give women their dowries as a free gift, but if they of themselves be pleased to give up to you a portion of it, then take it and enjoy it with right good cheer). [1]

Here, there are three questions:

1. What does "free gift" mean?

It is the gift that a husband gives with his own free will to his wife that is called a "dowry".

2. What does "but if they of themselves be pleased to give up to you a portion of it" mean?

It means that the wife can give that gift back to her husband with her own free will.

3. What does "then take it and enjoy it with right good cheer" mean?

[1] Qur'an, 4:4.

It is the fruit that comes out of the love that is founded by the mutual exchanging of gifts between the spouses where they enjoy it blissfully.

Therefore, the purpose of the dowry is to achieve true love that will not shake before the problems of life or the mistakes that often happen between spouses. If the dowry is given from a husband unwillingly, shall he love his wife sincerely?

Certainly not! The Prophet (s) said, 'Be lenient in dowries, because a man may give a dowry to a woman (wife) but it may be as a cause of hatred in his heart against her.'[1]

The Prophet (s) also said, 'The best of dowries is the easiest of them.'[2]

Imam Ali (s) said, 'Do not exaggerate in women's dowries, lest enmity comes out!'[3]

Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, '…As for the evil omen of woman, it is her high dowry and disobedience of her husband.'[4]

You will notice that a high dowry of a wife is compared, in an evil omen, with disobedience of her husband.

From that, we note that the excessive dowry is as an evil omen in marriage and a cause of disagreement and divorce, unlike what people think. I ask: can ignorance succeed before the fact that Islam has already announced?

Question 71

People pay a lot of attention to the difference in age between a husband and a wife. Would you please show me the recommended amount of this difference according to Islam and what the other qualities are that must be paid attention to before the agreement of marriage?

The answer: We have not found any verdict in Islam concerning

[1] Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol.15 p.11.

[2] Ibid.

[3] Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol.15 p.11.`

[4] Ibid.

this matter. When we study the lives of the leaders of Islam, we find that the difference in the ages of the spouses is in different extents. Sometimes a wife is older and sometimes a husband is older. Lady Khadeeja, the mother of Lady Fatima (s), was married to the Prophet (s) while she was fifteen years older than him, whereas Imam Ali (s) was married to Lady Fatima (s) while he was ten years older than her.

The same is said about the other faithful men and women in the history of Islam. We have not read that they paid much attention, in their marriages, to the matter of age, but rather, they paid attention to other important qualities (of the other spouse) according to the following order:

1. religiousness and faith

2. good morals

3. good family

These are the qualities according to which the believers are considered equivalent to each other. The Prophet (s) says, 'The believers are equivalent to each other.'[1]

From these three main qualities, the following qualities ramify:

1. intelligence, knowledge, and social manners

2. intellectual and cultural equivalence

3. physical health and freedom from hereditary diseases

4. sufficient income to at least cover the necessary expenses

5. acceptable outward beauty but not at the expense of moral beauty

6. proportionality of bodies as customary

It is customary nowadays that spouses should be nearer in age according to the idea that cultural equivalence results from studying in the modern schools, which means that both are somehow close in age. Equivalence is not achieved when a

[1] Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 14 p.49.

young woman is a graduate of a secondary school while the young man has been a graduate of a university for ten years, which makes the difference in age between them over seventeen years. Therefore, there is no cultural and intellectual equivalence and accordingly marriage with this extent of difference in ages is not advisable.

Custom has another conception in this field that differences in age form a ground for marital disagreements because interests and hobbies of different generations always cause clashes.

A third conception says that differences in age make one of the spouses maturer than the other due to experiences and this is another cause that leads to conflicts in opinions and situations, which makes spouses disagree with each other.

Another traditional conception is that the difference in age means that the older spouse may die long before the other, and especially if the wife is still young, she will become a widow after the death of her husband and may remain alone.

We agree with these four customary conceptions, but not absolutely. There are many exceptional cases in which the marital life is of utmost happiness and pleasure in spite of the age difference between the spouses.

What is important in equivalence is the educational equivalence and mental maturity, which leads to good behavior, kindness, humbleness, and rapport.

If the main qualities we have mentioned are found in a husband and a wife, they will live happily; otherwise, there will be no happiness even if the spouses are of the same age.

Question 72

What are the qualities of an ideal father and an ideal mother?

The answer: An ideal father is one who:

1. undertakes his responsibility well to create a good marital and family life with humane atmospheres.

2. brings his family lawful livelihood without a bit of unlawful.

3. respects his wife as a human being who is equal to him in rights and duties, as Allah has said, (O people! be careful of (your duty to) your Lord, Who created you from a single being and created its mate of the same (kind) and spread from these two, many men and women; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, by Whom you demand one of another (your rights), and (to) the ties of relationship; surely Allah ever watches over you). [1]

4. cares for the intellectual, moral, and material needs of his children and is generous to them as much as possible.

An ideal mother is one who:

1. understands her role as a mother who has the most important position in educating children and feeding them with love and sentiment and teaching them the meanings of goodness, benevolence, and the afterlife.

2. undertakes her responsibility well and does not lose her patience or give up her task, which is like the task of the prophets and apostles.

3. repels evil with that which is best.

4. prefers the comfort of her husband and children to her own ease and comfort when there is a conflict between comforts.

5. always feels satisfied and content.

6. distributes her smiles of sincerity, satisfaction, and hope of success and progress among all members of her family.

7. does not remind her husband of the work she does inside the house.

8. does not uncover the defects of her husband before others and does not reveal the secrets of their life.

9. looks forward to the reward of the afterlife, pleasure of Allah, and the bliss of Paradise, which Allah has put under her feet if she devotes her intentions sincerely to Allah in this life.

1Qur'an, 4:1.

Here, someone may question: why have you decreased the qualities and responsibilities of a father and increased those of a mother? This is not fair, O sheikh!

I say: if the wife has these ideal qualities, her husband will be affected by her and then she will be a practical teacher for her husband too. Then, the famous saying "behind every great man, there is a woman" will become true.

When we reach this fact, we find that it is inevitable to emphasize the great role of mothers in preparing our daughters in the best way to undertake their important roles in achieving the happiness of the society, the progress of the umma, and the guidance of the men and the youth.

To see this fact, you can ponder on the reasons behind the wretchedness of society, the underdevelopment of the umma, and the deviation of men and the youth. You shall find heedless wives, bad women, and deviate girls at the head of these reasons.

Therefore, it has been mentioned in traditions that wealth and women are the most dangerous weapons of the Satan in seducing man and deviating him from truth, justice, and goodness and removing him from the moral paradise of this life and from the real Paradise in the afterlife, in which the pious live in comfort and luxury forever.

History has proved this in the past and in the present. Woman has corrupted and still corrupts whatever is around her if she is corrupted. Even the sincere believers have been felled by corruptive women if they became heedless for a moment.

Thus, responsibility is very heavy for a good mother, especially in bringing up her daughters. Therefore, Islam has made her position higher than the position of a good father. The Prophet (s) has ordered people to be kind to their mother three times more than to their father.

If this becomes clear to you, you shall know the secret behind the plans of colonialists that aim at corrupting daughters and making mothers ignorant, because after that, colonialists can

seize the wealth of our countries easily, for they shall not find before them save semi-men.

I have to declare something that is very bitter for every heart that wishes for the exaltedness of Islam and the happiness of man and society. It is that some women who are considered to be religious whereas faith has never entered their hearts have played a dangerous role in disrupting the Islamic unity, drawing the believers into disagreements and setting the fire of sedition among them.

This is clear evidence showing women's ability of destruction even if they don the dress of religion.

Yes! If a woman has such a great ability of bad influence even over religious people, it is reasonable and wise that much attention should be paid to this great ability in order to direct it towards construction rather than destruction.

Thus, we find that a faithful woman and ideal mother is a more important factor of construction and happiness in life than a faithful man and ideal father.

Question 73

What is the philosophy of motherhood? What is the relation of woman to society with both positive and negative aspects? Can motherhood be one of the factors that contribute to building a good and faithful nation that can resist corruption and tyranny?

The answer: Once, I heard Ayatollah Muhammad Taqqi al-Mudarrisi say in one of his lectures, 'If you want a good society, you have to look for a good mother, because if you find society sinking under the pressures of corruption and loss, you should know well that all these evils shall reach mothers. A mother is not only a school, but she is also the life, origin, and essence of man….

In order to treat the problem from its roots, you have to turn to the mother and try to treat the problems that the mother suffers from, and then, you will know the reasons behind the deviation of society. Looking for another place to cure the

social diseases will be nothing save a temporary tranquilizer that soon disappears and then the pains of the diseases will come back again.'

About the philosophy of motherhood and the qualities of an ideal mother, he says, 'Before all, man has to ask himself: has he come to this life to enjoy its pleasures and live for a certain period and then he dies and everything finishes, or has he come to play a role and undertake a responsibility? If the second conception is true, then what is the responsibility of this man?'

To answer this question, I say: the greatest responsibility that man undertakes in this life is the good upbringing of his children. A mother who understands this responsibility knows well that all the affairs of this life are minor before her responsibility for her children…

An ideal mother makes her children be among the people of Paradise and tries her best to carry out this goal. She makes them love Allah and fear the punishment of the afterlife…

Things like these are not realized unless a woman pays a lot of attention to other things that are considered as bases to attain these goals. A woman does not become a good mother except when she becomes a good wife. As a man has to look for a good woman to marry, a woman does not have to accept save a good man to be her husband. After marriage, she has to try her best to raise and educate her children in the best way. Also, she has to watch her husband especially concerning the source of his livelihood. A good wife does not allow her husband to bring money from anywhere, because she knows that unlawful money causes unlawful sperm, and a man who is created from an unlawful sperm is difficult to be reformed.'

We invite the ulama, thinkers, preachers, and pious people to take extensive care to spread the culture of motherhood in societies, especially amongst the rising generation of girls. Islam has paid a lot of attention to the position of girls in the house due to her vital role in the future when she becomes a wife and mother.

The Prophet (s) said, 'Whoever has a daughter and he brings her up well, educates her well, and is generous to her with what Allah has granted him, she will be as a fort and cover him from Fire.'[1]

In another tradition, the Prophet (s) declares that the right of a mother on her child is two times more than the right of a father. A child has been recommended to be kind to his father, while he has been recommended to be kind to his mother three times as much.

The best speech is that of Allah when He says, (And We have enjoined on man doing of good to his parents; with trouble did his mother bear him and with trouble did she bring him forth; and the bearing of him and the weaning of him was thirty months; until when he attains his maturity and reaches forty years, he says: My Lord! grant me that I may give thanks for Thy favor which Thou hast bestowed on me and on my parents, and that I may do good which pleases Thee and do good to me in respect of my offspring; surely I turn to Thee, and surely I am of those who submit. These are they from whom We accept the best of what they have done and pass over their evil deeds, among the dwellers of the garden; the promise of truth which they were promised). [2]

Question 74

My husband travels too much, and the responsibility of the house and children has fallen on me. My back has broken due to this heavy responsibility; nevertheless, I have not received from him even a word of gratitude. What shall I do?

The answer: Your husband has to change his job, if it is possible, or bring you a servant. You may teach your children the household affairs to help you or you may make friends with the neighbors according to the familiar, social way among good people. If all these solutions fail, you should continue in your

[1] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.1 p.74.

[2] Qur'an, 46:15-16.

present state and look forward to the reward of Allah that the future may be better than the past.

Dear sister, be patient for patience is an effective weapon. Imam Ali (s) said, 'He, who rides in the boat of patience, arrives at the field of victory.'[1]

The husband, also, has to try his best to solve this problem. Islam does not permit the burdening of wives with heavy duties.

The Prophet (s) said, 'Travel is a part of torment. Whenever one of you finishes his travel, let him hasten back to his family.'

If this husband does not change his severe behavior towards his wife, relatives have to advise him wisely, because supporting the cause of a wronged one brings good in this life and the afterlife.

Question 75

My husband is unjustly undergoing a sentence of fifteen years in prison for a matter of the truth! I live miserably with my child. My husband's relatives do not take any care of me or my little son. Whenever I count the remaining period of my husband's imprisonment, which is ten years, I feel I will die before the actual death comes. I have a friend who asked her husband to divorce her as soon as she knew that he had been sentenced to life imprisonment and then she went to live with a good husband. She often advises me to do the same. I am confused and do not know what to do. Would you please guide me to the right way so that I may follow it and keep myself away from the whispers of the Satan?

The answer

Dear faithful sister, there is something called loyalty, whose light always shines in the stories of pious and dutiful people. Loyalty is an Islamic value, a human nature, and a moral jewel. One who has no loyalty lives with remorse his whole life and

[1] Al-Hikam az-Zahira, p.265.

does not feel happy.

Yes! There are some exceptions that Islam has permitted and specified within certain boundaries. I prefer that these exceptional cases should be dealt with in the agreement between the imprisoned husband and the expectant wife. The husband who has entered prison after struggling to revive noble values in society, which has been deprived of these values, is able to make a decision to set his young wife free if she wishes to live away from the long wait. Nevertheless, I prefer that the faithful wife make a sacrifice for the sake of the values that her husband was thrown in prison for. Among these values are loyalty, patience, devotedness, and giving delight to her husband's heart by visiting him continuously and making him feel that she is with him not only in ease but also in distress. Is life worth anything without values?

In a word, Islamic values must always be taken as the motives of our situations. They must be the criteria of divorce or waiting. Allah says, (…then retain them with kindness or separate them with kindness). [1] Kindness is among the values to which Islam has invited and which also include loyalty, patience, cooperation, and mutual understanding.

Question 76

How can poor families overcome their financial problems, since the requirements of life are greater than the income these families receive?

The answer: Poverty is not a new problem for man. Islam has treated poverty with its wise verdicts and moral teachings and with supplications and with strengthening the moral aspects of man and family. We feel sorry for most Muslims who have virtually said to Islam: stick to the limits of books and lectures and do not enter our practical life especially in our closed rooms!! Therefore, they have brought upon themselves different problems in their lives.

[1] Qur'an, 65:2.

Society, with its poor and rich, has kept away from the wide mercy and abundant blessings of Allah. Whoever divorces piety, Heaven divorces him. Allah says, (And if the people of the towns had believed and guarded (against evil) We would certainly have opened up for them blessings from the heaven and the earth, but they rejected, so We overtook them for what they had earned). [1] The poor commit some disobediences that bring them poverty and the rich commit some disobediences that bring them distresses, and thus poverty increases in the society. Imam Ali (s) has said, 'There is no abundant blessing, unless there is a lost due beside it.'

Panting after the desires of this life, material pleasures, and lavish expenditures is failure to know the facts to which Allah has invited us.

From amongst the poetry ascribed to Imam Hasan (s) is the following verse:

"O people of a transient world,

Adhering to an evanescent shadow is silliness."

Observing this fact, the economical life of a family must be well organized. The husband, his wife, and the other qualified members of the family can manage the income of the family in the best way and spare some of it for emergencies.

It is useful to quote here what I have read in the al-Wa'iy al-Islami magazine, vol.414: "Many problems happen to families because of disorganization of the income between the two spouses or the income does not cover their needs.

Nowadays, these problems have become more complicated because of the rise in prices, the high level of living, the change of life's luxuries of yesterday into essential needs today, and the increasing number of population that leads to an increase in consumption.

The circumstances and the disagreements that emerge because of money and defects in managing the income and expenditures

[1] Qur'an, 7:96.

may be different from one family to another, but there are some important concerns such as the changes that affect the lives of the spouses are such that each of them will not have his/her own independent opinion about the financial matters. In fact, the opinion of the other side will be important, especially if the wife has a job and a personal income.

Some modern families suffer from serious financial problems, and some husbands may belittle the material needs, which may increase the disagreement between spouses.

But how can spouses face these financial crises?

1. Each spouse has to inform the other of his/her actual income so that they conduct all their affairs clearly and with fidelity.

2. The spouses, together, have to specify the most important points of expenditure.

3. They have to agree that the income of the husband and the income of the wife become one to build the family and not to satisfy their personal wishes.

4. They have to agree to balance their joint incomes so that nothing disturbs their expenditure.

5. They must avoid participating in different projects and many installments in order to not be overwhelmed by the grat expenses required from each of them.

6. If one of them faces a financial problem, he/she has to frankly inform the other spouse so that they can make the necessary changes to their budget.

Each husband and wife should not place money and financial problems in the first position of their life, for the pillars of a happy family stand on mutual understanding and respect before all. Money alone does not bring happiness and tranquility, but it is a means to achieve the requirements of life."

There are many Qur'anic verses and supplications to be recited to invoke Allah for livelihood. They are mentioned in the books of supplications. What I mention here is something that I

myself have experienced. It is reciting the second and the third verses of the sura at-Talaq (65), (…and whoever is careful of (his duty to) Allah, He will make for him an outlet, and give him sustenance from whence he thinks not; and whoever trusts in Allah, He is sufficient for him; surely Allah attains His purpose; Allah indeed has appointed a measure for everything) three times after every prayer, attentively and sincerely. [1]

Question 77

A while ago, I married a young woman. After the wedding, I discovered that she had some defects. I tried to be satisfied and patient with her defect, but I could not. At last, I decided to divorce her, but her brother began threatening me and caused me troubles. He is an evil person, and I hate troubles. Frankly, I say that I am not brave in evil or in resisting evil. I do not know what to do. I hope that you may guide me to a solution.

The answer: Legally, you have the right to divorce her, but humaneness requires you to live with her if her defect is not so serious. If you decide to divorce her, you have to be prudent towards her brother. Allah says, (And the servants of the Beneficent are they who walk on the earth in humbleness, and when the ignorant address them, they say: Peace!) [2]

Also we find this solution in a tradition narrated from one of the Ahlul Bayt (s), 'If you keep silent before an ignorant person, you answer him fully and punish him painfully.'

You should follow this conduct if his harm towards you is through speech, but if you fear that he may do more serious harm to you, you can send some notables to advise and threaten him implicitly. If he persists in his ignorance, you should try to move to another part of your country. If he continues harassing you, then you should lodge a complaint

[1] Refer to a story about this verse under the title (This is the true gold) in our book Qissas wa Khawatir (stories and ideas).

[2] Qur'an, 25:63.

against him in court.

You should do so if there is no way before you except divorce, but if you can live with your wife, you should; otherwise, after agreeing with her, you can choose a second wife who can live with her without troubles.

Question 78

I have a friend whose wife is sick and she cannot satisfy his sexual desire. At the same time, she strongly refuses to let him marry another wife. She acts like she'll die whenever he wants to discuss this subject with her, though he has the right to marry another wife even if his first wife is sound. Then, how about it when she is sick?

I wonder at the selfishness and the unjust jealousy of such women towards their poor husbands! My friend is always nervous because of his wife who is not ready to talk about polygamy. What do you suggest for a solution? Should my friend continue living with his wife and remain without children, satisfied lust, or comfort or should he marry another one regardless of what will happen?

The answer: This husband has the right to get married whether in order to get children, to satisfy his sexual lust, or to relieve his strained nerves, but executing this right requires great wisdom in caring for the moral side. He, to the extent of his abilities, has to convince his wife and assure her that he will not leave her alone or ignore her if she agrees on his marriage to another wife, rather her agreement shall make him love and respect her more. He must carry out his promise to her after her agreement.

If this attempt does not succeed, he should send some wise relatives of hers to convince her and explain to her the divine verdict in this concern. They should explain to her that by preventing her husband from marrying another, she will bring upon herself the wrath of Allah that will lead her to the torment of the afterlife because, by doing so, she denies one of the verdicts of Allah and prohibits a lawful right of her husband on the one hand, and on the other hand, she may lead her husband to commit unlawful acts. In fact, her permission is

not a condition for the validity of her husband's second marriage, but it is just a moral requirement.

If this attempt does not succeed either, then the decision is up to the husband whether he wants to live with her and make sacrifices for her or if he wants to get married to another, regardless of the consequences.

I myself know someone who went ahead and married another wife in spite of his wife's threats, and then she submitted to the reality. However, I also know other people who married additional wives in spite of their wives' threats, and their wives did in fact carry out their threats and caused their husbands many troubles.

I do not know which type the wife of your friend will be! I pray to Allah that she recovers her health and makes her husband happy, and I hope she will find pleasure in submitting to the verdict of Allah because nothing will be more useful to her than the verdicts of Allah, which surely have wisdom and advantages that may be unknown by man, for Allah is more aware than us.

Such women have to think of the pleasure of Allah and their ends in the afterlife. This life is transient and ages are too short however much they last! Then, let these women do good deeds and leave good remembrances after them!

Question 79

The troubles between a wife and her husband's relatives are among the problems that most often lead a marriage to divorce. It is seldom to find cordiality between a wife and her mother-in-law. My question is: how do you deal with this problem?

The answer: There are some points that must be obtained before the troubles begin:

1. Spouses, and their families as well, should have a good amount of comprehension, prudence, morals, and good faith, and this is what Islam emphasizes.

2. Spouses should try to keep away from the incentives of disagreement.

3. They should try to be independent in the abode and the domestic means.

4. They should refrain from spying on others in the family.

5. They should not reveal their secrets to others.

6. They should try to spread love among all by praising, thanking, and encouraging others.

However, if the problems begin, the following steps must be followed:

1. The problem must be belittled.

2. The problem must be limited only to the ones the problem relates to.

3. Others may give advice with lenient speech and smiles and some lectures about the afterlife, and they should avoid disputing. It would be better to mention some jokes to quiet the anger of the ones involved in the problem.

4. They should beware of suspecting and misunderstanding each other.

5. They should deal with the problem wisely and should humor the ones involved in the problem until the fire of the problem is extinguished.

Imam Ali (s) says, 'Humor people and you will enjoy their brotherhood. Meet them with smiles and joy and you will kill their spites.'[1]

Question 80

What is the meaning of this verse (Men are the guardians of women) [2]? Many men take it as an excuse to impose unjust control on their women.

The answer: In managing the affairs of marital life, there must be one decision-maker; otherwise, the family will become

[1] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.3 p.240.

[2] Qur'an, 4:34.

divided and fall into parts. It is the same with companies, banks, and government departments. They have one head, who is called manager, minister, or president, to make decisions. This does not imply the permitting of despotism. A manager, a minister, or a president, in spite of his authority, has to consult with others and has to take counselors. Even the messenger of Allah (s), who is the most perfect one among all human beings, has been ordered by Allah to consult with others by saying, (…and consult with them in the affair; so when you have decided, then place your trust in Allah).[1]

In this verse, you see two orders: one of consulting and the other of determining. In the first order, there is a plural pronoun (consult with them) whereas in the other order there is a singular pronoun. It is understood that a final decision must be made by one person, and no more; otherwise, disagreement will not be settled by one decision. As we have said, a decision must be made after consulting with persons of common benefit and common fate. This means that guardianship should be for a decision-maker.

Here, we discuss the following question: if guardianship is to be claimed by either the husband or the wife, which one of them is preferred?

Islam prefers the husband over the wife for the following reasons:

1. Man in most cases has a greater ability of administration, control over his nerves, courage, freedom in going out of home, dealing with people, and dealing with the affairs of life than a woman.

2. If a woman works outdoors, she will be - in most cases - an easy game for hunters.

3. Because the husband is the one who initially establishes the family and the wife is a newcomer to the family, man is worthier of making a decision on what he establishes. For

[1] Qur'an, 3:159.

example, if you establish a company and invite someone qualified to assist you in administrating the company, would you not keep the conclusive decisions to yourself though you may regard the position of the one you have invited as a partner with you in administration?

4. Because the husband undertakes the financial responsibility of the family, it is natural that guardianship is his right. This is clear in the Qur'anic verse (Men are the guardians of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property).[1]

This matter, however, does not justify the unjust control of a man over his wife. Many men exploit their authorities to achieve personal benefits. This does not mean that this authority is wrong, but rather it is wrong when the authorized men misuse this authority selfishly to achieve their personal benefits.

If a keeper of a mosque or a (Husayniyyah)[2] collects some money under the pretense of doing some religious projects, but he spends this money on his personal purposes, do we condemn the mosque, the Husayniyyah, and the religious projects or do we condemn that disloyal person?

When Islam gave this guardianship to man, it ordered him to be fair, honest, and wise. If man is not so, then the wrong lies in man himself and not in the verdict of guardianship.

I do not think that there is a woman who refuses to be the wife of a man who is bound by the conditions of guardianship and its Islamic principles.

We ask: can a husband authorize his wife with this guardianship?

The answer: Yes, he has the right to convey his right to his

[1] Qur'an, 4:34.

[2] Husayniyyah is a place like the mosque where certain ceremonies are held on the anniversary of the martyrdom of Imam Husayn (s) and on other religious occasions.

wife. Thus, Islam does not determine the despotism of men; rather, Islam organizes the administration of a happy marital life, and thus guardianship is a positive thing as long as the husband has positive qualities.

Question 81

I often hear from preachers that the person who arranges a marriage between a Muslim man and a Muslim woman will get a great reward. Once, I arranged a marriage between two young persons, and now whenever a quarrel occurs between them, they blame me because I was the cause of their marriage. This has made me refrain from attempting again in this concern. What do you think I should do?

The answer: The Prophet (s) has said, 'He who marries his faithful brother to a woman who supports him and makes him feel happy and comfortable with her, Allah will marry him to a houri and will please him with the veracious ones of his relatives and brothers who love him and will make them pleased with him.'[1]

Imam as-Sadiq (s) has said, 'Whoever marries a bachelor (to a woman) will be among those whom Allah will look at on the Day of Resurrection.'[2]

Islam has urged us to assist people in getting married. Islam does not urge anything unless it is to our advantage, giving us benefits in religion and rewards in the afterlife. But the approach to achieving this is important. The one who wants to arrange the marriage of two persons has to regard the qualities of the two persons and the extent to which they are near in ambitions and morals, and then he should tell them and their families that he is just an introducer. Then, those persons and their families must take the remaining steps. They should inquire accurately about each other and then agree on the details and conditions of marriage. The introducer has to tell them that he should not be blamed since it is the spouses and

[1] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.4 p.275-276.

[2] Ibid.

their families who make the final decision. He should tell them that a mediator does not know the unseen, and if he knew the unseen, he would prevent the quarrels of the spouses or would not prepare their marriage at all.

According to these points, you have to continue doing good to gain rewards in the afterlife. Do not let the justifications of the persons who are unable to deal with each other correctly prevent you from doing good. Actual blame should be on them and not on the one who has intended to do good and serve others.

Question 82

I separated from my first husband because he was a drug addict, and for the past ten years, I have been married to a good man. He speaks little with me and pays more attention to his business. I wish we could sit together and discuss our interests, life affairs, educating our children, the news of the society and neighbors, or the like. Sometimes, I feel that I am full of speech but I do not find anyone beside me to whom I can talk. I tell my husband: please listen to me! He says: I have no time, and my mind is not ready to listen. Would you please suggest a solution to my problem?

The answer: Dear sister, you have to understand that people are different in their natures but they are similar in other aspects. Your good husband is different from you in some aspect, but this does not mean that he hates you or hates to listen to your speech. Some aspects are hereditary, others are related with the zodiacs, some are acquired since childhood, and others are acquired because of the surrounding environment and pressing difficulties that man faces due to political, economical, or social reasons. These difficulties afflict all people, but they cause some melancholy, others handicaps, others madness, others failure and deviation, and others great success - and this kind is found the least in people.

Dear sister, I suggest that you should try to talk with your other relatives, such as your parents, brothers, sisters, daughters, or your trusted neighbors. If you do not succeed,

then you should accept the reality because satisfaction is a treasure that does not end, as mentioned in the Islamic traditions. It has also been mentioned that keeping silent and speaking little are better.

Question 83

My wife used to take care of me (fifty percent of the time), but ever since she gave birth to our child, she pays all her attention to the child as if she does not see her husband is also in the house. I do not know how to deal with this situation without making her misunderstand that I may be jealous of my child.

The answer: This case results from a previous emotional void either in her father's house or in your house. When her child was born, she tried to fill that void by excessive inclination towards him.

To repair the situation:

1. Bring her some books about the rights of the husband and marital relations or some cassettes containing lectures about this subject!

2. Do not resent and do not show her your anger at her action, but you should give her ample opportunity to return to her natural state!

3. Organize some time for both of you to talk and assure her of your love to her!

4. Let her see your love and attention for the child to make her feel that she is not the only one who loves the child!

5. Continue this behavior and do not give up because the fruits will not come to you immediately, especially if her emotional void is deep and old!

6. Send your friends' wives to her to talk to her about her required legal duties towards her husband, without making her feel that they have come specifically to discuss this matter!

Question 84

My wife used to always attend religious meetings, but now she is interested only in material pleasures. She always insists that we

change the furniture or I buy her clothes and other things that are beyond my financial ability. I talk to her about contentment, which I assume she has learnt about in those religious meetings, but she pays no attention. Once, I discussed this problem with a faithful man, and he advised me to prevent her from going to those meetings justifying that these meetings have become, in our present time, meetings of displaying fashions or discussing the matters of this material world. I did, but she became more obstinate and began disputing with me and threatened that she would go out in spite of me. Now, my life is full of problems with this wife. Would you please advise me what to do?

The answer: Acknowledging the miserable reality is the first step in repairing it. What you have mentioned about the meetings that are clothed in religion hurts the heart of every protective believer, and at the head of these protective people are Muhammad (s) and his pure progeny (s).

Really, some meetings not only do not educate our women, but they also destroy the efforts of education made by the sincere people. The Prophet (s) warned us when he said to his successor Imam Ali (s), 'O Ali, whoever obeys his wife, Allah will throw him into the Fire.' Imam Ali (s) asked, 'What obedience?' The Prophet (s) said, 'He permits her to go to meetings, weddings, meetings of weepers, and to put on transparent clothes.'[1]

The solution I suggest comes through the following points (whether you follow all of them or some of them depends on your discretion in dealing with the problem and its concerns):

First, after explaining to her your wife's state, allow a wise woman to befriend your wife and advise your wife from the wisdom she has received from her Lord.

Second, you can hold religious meetings in your house, if possible, and entrust your wife with some suitable

[1] Kitab al-Mawa'idh, p.27.

responsibility that will occupy her and allow her to feel her personality. If it is not possible, you can take her to certain meetings after previously arranging with the preacher to choose a suitable subject. For example, let him talk about the saying of the Prophet (s), 'There are three woman, who Allah frees from the torment of the grave and resurrects with Fatima az-Zahra' (s); a woman who is patient with the stinginess of her husband, a woman who is patient with the bad morals of her husband, and a woman who gives up her dowry to her husband.'

Third, you should follow calm ways to convince her, because the harms of anger, nervousness, and scolding are greater than their advantages. Perhaps a nice word, a nice gesture, a present, a smile, or a joke would treat many problems in a short amount of time.

Fourth, consider your financial ability and be realistic and sincere to the best of your abilities. If she wants a necessary thing and you are able to buy it for her, do so and do not be stingy for Allah grants kind people His expansive and lawful livelihood.

Fifth, you should try your best to improve your living conditions because remaining in poverty is something that religion does not accept.

Sixth, if these steps are of no use, you have to be patient and bear the problem until Allah determines what is best between you and your wife.

Seventh, if all of these attempts are useless, you would be better off threatening to divorce her, and then you can carry out a revocable divorce, because then you can return to her after she repents of her bad behaviors.

Question 85

What is the opinion of Islam about birth control and stopping procreation? Some people in our family think that it is unlawful; therefore, they procreate in spite of their limited incomes, whereas

others think that it is necessary to control birth though they are in a good economical state.

The answer: Basically, the Muslims should procreate and increase in number as it is understood from the Prophetic traditions. The Prophet (s) said, 'Do you not know that I will be proud of you before nations on the Day of Resurrection even of miscarried fetuses…'[1].

However, Islam has taken the different stages and circumstances of people into consideration. Economical conditions, narrow residences, difficulties of upbringing and educating, dangers of deviation from religion, and the problems of controlling people's affairs in general are factors requiring birth control for some people, but they may not require other people to practice that.

This is understood from other traditions too. The Prophet (s) said, when predicting some things to take place in a time different from his time, 'A time will come to people, in which the best of people will be… those of less children.'[2]

Imam Ali (s) said, 'There are three things that are among the worst of calamities: big family, dominance of debts, and chronic diseases.'[3]

It is understood that a smaller family is better.

Imam Ali (s) also said, '(having) few children is one of the two eases.'[4]

We conclude that this matter (birth control) is permissible and is a personal decision according to the circumstances of a person himself. It is not possible to impose or not to impose the concept of birth control on someone except if it harms others seriously.

It is thus if there are no imperialist plans behind birth control;

[1] Furoo' al-Kafi, vol.5 p.334.

[2] Kanzol Ummal, vol.16 p.287.

[3] Ghurar al-Hikam, p.364.

[4] Nahjol Balagha, p.153.

otherwise, not controlling birth is obligatory on condition that one can bring up and educate his children properly, lest they become an easy game for the imperialists as mostly happens.

Question 86

My wife's relatives interfere in the affairs of my marital life, and so they have made our life full of troubles.

As for my wife, she is divided between her relatives and me. Her heart is with me, but her courtesies are with them, and all the while, confusion hovers as a cloud over her head. I do not know how to save her and myself from her curious family!

The answer: You can send some wise people as mediators to persuade your wife's relatives to stop their interferences, which may destroy the happiness of their daughter if they truly want her happiness. But before all, let us be realistic. Please, think of yourself! Perhaps you practice a wrong behavior that needs to be repaired!

If you are certain about yourself, you should send mediators; otherwise, repair yourself and carry out these steps reasonably and with lenient morals:

1. Explain your opinions to your wife and let her stand with you in this ordeal to avoid any dispute or quarrel with her family!

2. Change your behavior towards her family and be lenient to them. Allah says, (Repel the evil deed with one which is better, then lo! he, between whom and you there was enmity (will become) as though he was a bosom friend).[1]

3. Let you and your wife be busy with building your future, and do not listen to others' criticism and disputes as long as you understand each other and look forward to the pleasure of Allah.

4. On some occasions, offer your wife's relatives some presents to gain their love and to clear the old dregs from their hearts.

[1] Qur'an, 41:34.