Question 87
In our building, we have a neighbor, whose wife is garrulous and he himself does not refrain from talking with the female neighbors and joking with them until their laughing becomes terribly loud, besides the disturbance they make in the corridors. What is the legal verdict of Islam on this bad behavior?
The answer: This is impermissible in Islam according to these Qur'anic verses: (…then be not soft in (your) speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease yearn; and speak a good word. And stay in your houses and do not display your finery like the displaying of the ignorance of yore). [1]
Talkativeness and nonsense often revolve around backbiting, telling tales, and revealing secrets that often cause problems between spouses, families, and neighbors; and especially problematic is the mutual joking and laughing between non-mahram men and women.
Allah the Almighty says, (And say to My servants (that) they speak that which is best; surely the Satan sows dissensions among them)[2] and (…and lower your voice; surely the most hateful of voices is braying of the asses). [3]
From the recommendations of Prophet al-Khidhr (s) to Prophet Moses (s), Prophet Muhammad (s) quoted the following, 'Do not be talkative and do not prattle, because talkativeness disgraces the ulama and reveals the defects of silly people!'[4]
Imam Ali (s) said, 'Do not talk to people about everything you hear because it is stupidity.'[5]
He also said, 'A silence dressing you in dignity is better than a saying bringing you regret.'[6]
[1] Qur'an, 33:32-33.
[2] Qur'an, 17:53.
[3] Qur'an, 31:19.
[4] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.8 p.439.
[5] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.8 p.443.
[6] Ibid.
Question 88
My husband always repeats, 'I am unable to manage the house and to educate the children. Do whatever you want and do not depend on me!' This is not right, but I do not know how to correct his thinking.
The answer: It is very odd that the master of the family would declare his inability to manage his house, which he himself has established, or to educate one, two, or three children, whereas we find the heads of companies, foundations, and governments managing, in addition to their families, tens, hundreds, thousands, and millions of people.
What is the reason behind this difference?
The reason lies in the following points, which are absent from an incapable person's mind and present before the mind of a successful manager:
· First point: methodology
By this we mean recognizing the goals of marriage, procreation, and forming a family, on which basis the master of the family plans for the future of his children - the future, which stems from him first and foremost. Does man, when he invites some guests, not think of the aim of his invitation and then plan how and what foods he will offer appropriate to their ranks and positions? In the same way, concerning his family and children, he should specify aims and then think and plan accordingly to execute them.
· Second point: organizing
It means distributing the domestic duties in such a way that each member of the house knows his duty and also to ensure that the greater part of the duties will not fall on the shoulder of any one person while the others live without offering any help or feeling any responsibility.
The master of the family is the one who divides the household duties amongst the members of his family according to their ages and abilities; for example, one for sweeping, the other for cooking, the third for shopping, and so on. Allah says, (…and
help one another in goodness and piety). [1]
· Third point: coordination
Parents must agree on and settle many things between themselves so that each of them knows his duties, such as buying the school supplies of their children for example. If there is no prior arrangement between the parents, the father may buy the supplies and the mother may also buy them at the same time, or neither will buy them, and thus the affairs of the children may become troubled at school.
Coordination, which is a part of organization, prevents the waste of time, abilities, and efforts and the confusion of the family members through different instructions in the house. Have you not seen Allah with your mind and heart through His great organization of the creatures and the coordination among them with the utmost accuracy? If it were not so, all life would be in tumult.
· Fourth point: leadership
The master of the family, and especially the father, should touch the hearts of the members of his family through love to attract them towards his educational instructions, and this is one of the qualities of an understanding leader. It is a stage higher than household management. A successful leader is one who does not make others submit to his will by force, but he instead uses wisdom and prudence to convince them to submit. The leader who uses severity and violence will certainly produce severe, impolite, mutinous, and wicked offspring with weak personalities.
We do not deny the importance of using strictness and firmness in some occasions. A wise leader is aware of tose occasions, and he knows how and when he should become strict and firm without making others feel that he has a power over them that may deprive them of their freedom and also without making them feel that responsible supervision is of no importance.
[1] Qur'an, 5:2.
Leadership is the art of mixing many items, the most important of which are knowledge, wisdom, tact, and good practice.
· Fifth point: knowledge
The master of the family should know the actual value of these points in correlation to what Islam has legislated in its view towards the universe, life, man, and their legislative and moral concerns.
Finally, this husband should strengthen his morale by relying on Allah the Almighty. The nearest one who can help him in this matter is you, O wife. You can inspire in him the spirit of responsibility. You can encourage and praise him whenever he carries out something. You can tell him that the greatness of the famous personalities in history came about because they did not think of the difficulties in their achievements, but they instead thought of the great achievements they would get.
Question 89
What is the reason behind insomnia and lack of sleep, and what is the treatment? If it is due to marital problems, it is enough to make one think of not getting married.
The answer: The main reasons behind this case are:
1. Physical pains
2. Problems pressing on one's mind
3. Worry, especially about one's job and future projects
4. Watching films of terror and libertinism
5. Reading books that incite lust and the nerves
6. Feeling guilt
7. Marital problems, as you have mentioned in your question
To treat yourself, you have to perform the following steps:
1. Perform (wudu') ritual ablution before going to bed!
2. Recite some suras of the Holy Qur'an especially the sura of al-Hashr (59)!
3. Pray to Allah to forgive you your every sin!
4. Make planned efforts according to the orders of Allah!
5. Believe sincerely that Allah manages all affairs and He is the Generous Giver!
6. Try to be outwardly and inwardly loyal and pure!
7. Be satisfied with what Allah has granted you of wealth and your marital life!
8. Be certain that this world is transient and man's age is short!
9. Read about the problems of others and always thank Allah for His fate!
10. Tire your body out before going to bed with, for example, sports or reading!
Question 90
My husband has a weak and infirm personality. He does not manage the household affairs. He neither enjoins nor does he forbid the children. He pays no attention to their school education. How should I behave towards him in order to make him act according to his suitable position?
The answer: This is the negative side of your husband's personality, but surely he has some positive qualities too. Try to regard these qualities as well. But as for the negative side:
First, entrust him with some tasks even if he hesitates or refuses to do them!
Second, try to give him self-confidence. For example, you can say to him: I am sure you can do this work.
Third, declare to him that you want him to be with a strong personality, and tell him that this is the wish of your children as well. Tell him that the responsibilities in marital life are common and divided according to Islamic teachings and the human nature!
Fourth, plan with your children to ask their father to interfere
in their affairs and to discuss with them different issues. In other words, he should be involved in the family affairs in every way.
Fifth, if he does not change after these steps, you have to adapt yourself to his state and convince yourself that it is a good state, for every person has his own independent personality and private mentality.
Question 91
Once, a dispute took place between my wife and myself about managing our marital life and our children's affairs. She accused me of insanity. This word, instead of making me angry, has made me ponder about myself - am I really as my wife said?
Would you please show the connotation of sanity that I may understand my mentality for myself and change accordingly, or I may convince my wife that I am not as she says?
The answer: I congratulate you for this liberal spirit and I wish there were more like you in our fanatic societies. The Prophet (s), who was definitely and without a doubt on the path of truth and guidance, invited the polytheists, who were on a definite path of deviation, to an open argumentation without fanaticism or omitting the argument of the other side before showing the truth. (And most surely we or you are on a right way or in manifest error). [1]
See how the Prophet (s) made the matter of disagreement between him and the polytheists as though unresolved between guidance and deviation. Thus, he encouraged them to begin argumentation. However, in our societies, if two Muslims (or maybe two scholars) disagree, each one of them determines that he is in the truth and his opponent is in the falsehood and each one of them turns away from the other with enmity and grudge!
Dear brother, as for your question, you should be aware that
[1] Qur'an, 34:24.
sanity has some signs, most of which begin with the following DON'Ts:
1. Do not be inclined to violence, revenge, or transgressing against the rights of others!
2. Do not show off in your deeds!
3. Do not like despotism!
4. Do not lie!
5. Do not be lazy to spend your life idly with no aim or productivity!
6. Do not be greedy for what other people have or envy them!
7. Do not hate others, and do not fill your heart with grudge against your opponents or whoever does you wrong!
8. Do not be selfish and think yourself better than all others!
9. Do not ignore religious beliefs throughout your life!
10. Do not disperse your mind, for then your concentration on your tasks will scatter here and there!
After that, you should feel stable in your mentality and behaviors before problems, look at life positively, become hopeful of your tomorrow, and promise those whom you are responsible for a happy future. Thus, you bring yourself and your family vitality, vigor, and constructive activity.
These signs will indicate to you that your inner complexes have disappeared, and then you will live with a pure nature that will repair the condition you live in, and then you will understand your goal in this life and the duties required from you.
Dear brother, with these points, you have to prove to your wife that you are sane and you love your family, and for the sake of your family, you are ready to tolerate all difficulties in order to continue towards your goal, regardless of whether you are in difficulty or ease.
I confirm here that your not being angry with your wife when she called you insane proves that you are mentally sound, and from this point on, you must set out towards a better sanity and mentality.
Question 92
I often become so angry that I burst out against whoever and whatever is around me. I confess that I am not happy with myself when I am angry with my wife, my children, or others, but I do not know how to treat this psychological disease!
The answer: Dear brother, be sure that anger harms your health because you burn with it your physical powers and the cells of your brain and heart. You may also, because of anger, lose your family and job. Remember that most of the dead in our present time have died because of apoplexy after a case of anger and nervousness.
If you believe in this information, be sure that your case is curable and the key to the cure is in your willpower, which may be difficult to control in the beginning, but later on it will grow stronger until you will find it easy to control your anger and change your behavior.
Here are some points to help you cure yourself inshallah:
1. When angry, try to orient your thinking and senses to something besides the subject that provokes your anger!
2. Leave the place you are in when you become angry and walk to another, and do not come back to it except after forgetting the situation or when your anger disappears!
3. Assign an hour or half an hour every day for practicing exercises, swimming, or breathing deeply! It would be better for you to practice such exercises at the seashore.
4. Teach yourself to be merry through smiling, joking, and mentioning pleasant events and comments within the limits of politeness and honesty! In other words, be good-humored, lovely, and attractive!
5. Trust in the abilities of others, and do not think that they cannot achieve something!
6. Choose some wise person with whom to discuss your sufferings, entrust him with your secrets, and consult him regarding your affairs!
7. Always perform wudu' and mention Allah with your tongue and heart and remember that you are under His accurate watch!
Question 93
I was recently married, and I suffer from much psychological worry and turmoil, fearing that I may fail in my marriage and become a sad divorcee sitting in a corner of my father's house like thousands of divorcees. Would you please help me solve my suffering before what I fear takes place though my husband is a good man?
The answer: Dear sister, your problem shows that you lack self-confidence and your fears are not real. They are outcomes of scruple and imagination. Your worrying about your future with your husband may be a sufficient reason for you to fear as you do. To solve your problem, you have to get rid of its cause by following these steps without hesitation:
1. You should think deeply about why you scorn and belittle yourself while you have been created with the divine dignity. Allah has granted you honor and virtue as a highly respected being, so it is unjust for you to do away with your position and value.
2. After discussing the matter with yourself, you will arrive at the critical result that you are precious, and then you will know that a precious one is she who tries her best to remain precious or become more precious. This requires you to offer to your husband whatever good you can offer. This will make you more attractive before your good husband.
3. Seek refuge in Allah from the evil of the sneaking whisperer, who whispers into the hearts of mankind, of the jinn and of mankind!
4. Read some books about the aspects of a successful wife and apply them to yourself, and then do not doubt your ability to continue living with your husband in a happy, joint life with your good offspring!
5. Always take lessons from successful wives, and do not spend your time thinking of sad divorcees!
6. Always, convince yourself that you are happy, successful, strong, and brave!
7. Keep these advices before your eyes throughout your life!
Question 94
My friend is a shopkeeper. He said that there is a married woman often tried to seduce him. Many times he chided her but with no use. One day, she came to his shop and insisted for him to commit adultery with her, justifying that her husband paid no attention to her emotional needs. Would you please talk about these dangerous corruptions and how to treat their causes?
The answer: The Prophet (s) said, 'The wrath of Allah is so great on a married woman who fills her eyes with other than her husband or one of her mahrams. If she does so, Allah will nullify all her deeds, and if she sleeps with other than her husband on her bed, Allah will definitely burn her in Fire after torturing her in the grave.'[1]
Dear brother, what is important is that your friend should overcome his desires and not fall into the trap of this adulteress, for then he would throw himself with her into the fire of Hell.
I would like to say to your friend and those like him what Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'Be abstinent from the women of people, and your women will be abstinent!'[2]
Does his conscience accept that the honor of the women of his family should be violated? If his answer is "NO", let him
[1] Al-Hadith, vol.3 p.142.
[2] Mizan al-Hikma, vol. 6 p.359.
beware of opening a way for his own honor to be violated.
This tested man and that enticing woman should ponder deeply on the sayings of the Prophet (s) narrated by Imam as-Sadiq (s), 'You have to be abstinent and avoid adultery'[1] and by Imam al-Baqir (s), 'There is no worship better near Allah than the abstinence of the abdomen (not to eat any unlawful thing) and genitals.'[2]
Let them, also, ponder on the great reward of the martyr who struggles for the sake of Allah! It is less than the reward of one who is able to commit adultery but he abstains and forbears. We have been informed of such by Imam Ali (s) who added, 'An abstinent is about to be as one of the angels.'[3]
Imam Ali (s) also said, 'Satisfaction and suppressing the lust are the best of abstinence.'[4]
He said to Muhammad bin Abu Bakr when he appointed him as the wali of Egypt, 'Know that the best of abstinence is piety in the religion of Allah and doing according to His orders. I recommend you of fearing Allah in secrecy and in openness…'[5]
Dear young man, you should resist and not permit yourself to commit adultery because it is one of the major sins. Remember, when the Satan invites you towards adultery, Allah sees you as do your great Prophet (s) and infallible Imams (s), who know your secrets every Thursday by the will of Allah, Who knows every secret.[6]
You should remember that sin has destructive effects and bad consequences that disgrace man in this life and bring him distresses and griefs.
Imam Ali (s) said, 'He who hastens towards lusts, hastens
[1] Usool al-Kafi, vol.5 p.554.
[2] Ibid., vol.2 p.80.
[3] Nahjol Balagha, short maxims, 474.
[4] Mizan al-Hikma, vol. 6 p.364.
[5] Ibid.
[6] As in Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 23 p.345, Basa'ir ad-Darajat, p.426.
towards plagues.'[1]
He also said, 'Whoever enjoys himself by disobeying Allah, Allah afflicts him with meanness.'[2]
Imam al-Baqir (s) said, 'No disaster afflicts man except after a sin…'[3]
Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'Allah the Almighty says: when he, who knows Me, disobeys Me, I will set up one, who does not know Me, over him.'[4]
This is in this life, but as for the afterlife, the Prophet (s) said, 'He who shakes hands with a woman who is unlawful (non-mahram) for him will be afflicted with the wrath of Allah, and he who sleeps with a woman who is unlawful for him will be tied by a chain of fire with the Satan and they both will be thrown into Fire.'[5]
I would like to draw the attentions of the husbands who are indifferent to the sexual rights of their wives and also the husbands who are lenient towards their wives in allowing them to watch erotic films or in letting them go out without surveillance that they are partners in the crime of adultery their wives commit.
Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'Allah has given woman patience of ten men, but if she is excited, the power of her lust becomes as of ten men.'[6]
The Prophet (s) ordered husbands by saying, 'Wash your clothes, cut your hairs, use miswak (tooth cleanser - i.e. brush your teeth), clean your bodies, and adorn yourselves! The Israelites did not do that; therefore, their women committed
[1] Ghurar al-Hikam, 666.
[2] Ibid., 686.
[3] Usool al-Kafi, vol.2 p.269.
[4] Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 11 p.242.
[5] Al-Hikam al-Dhahira, p.302.
[6] Usool al-Kafi, vol.5 p.338.
adultery.'[1]
Adultery is not just a moment of pleasure which ends with the act; rather, hundreds of problems come after it such as sudden death, which is the worst of them, illegitimate children, who form a main cause of crime in societies, and so on.
Question 95
My wife is sterile, and I love children very much. I do not want to die without leaving righteous descendents after me. I spoke with my wife about marrying a faithful girl who would be as her friend and assistant so that Allah may grant me good offspring, but she refused and was about to attack and kill me.
Several weeks passed until our relation was restored to its natural state. I then suggested to her that we might look for an orphan and adopt him as our son, if it was acceptable to her. She accepted, but I do not know whether she was sincere or she just accepted out of courtesy. Nevertheless, how should we go about finding an orphan? How can we be sure that he is not illegitimate?
The answer: In the first part of the problem, the wife should understand the truth and submit to the verdict of the Sharia, which is the verdict of Allah, Who has given man the right to marry two, three, or four wives (on condition that he will treat them all fairly and equally) in normal cases, then how about if the first wife is in a state like that of your wife?
Let this wife be sure that when Allah sees her submit to His judgment, He will grant her goodness that will make her happy in this life and in the afterlife. If her husband does get married, whether she agrees to it or not, let her beware of the whispering of the Satan, who is the bitterest enemy of man.
In the story of Sara, the wife of Prophet Abraham (s), there is a big similarity to the story of this tried wife. Sara was sterile. Prophet Abraham (s) got married to Hagar. Sara became jealous of Hagar with the jealousy of unfaithful women.
[1] Nahjol Fasaha, p.72 trad.377.
169
Therefore, Allah punished Sara by granting Hagar a good son whose name was Ishmael (s), who was the forefather of our Prophet Muhammad (s) and the millions of sayyids throughout these past fourteen centuries after hijra, whereas Sara has gone without any mention.
As for the second part of the problem, if you agree on adopting an orphan, this will be a great deed if you carry out its conditions.
The Prophet (s) said, as narrated by Imam as-Sadiq (s), 'Whoever adopts an orphan until [the orphan] becomes secure from his needs, Allah will assure Paradise to him for it just as He assures Hell to the eater of an orphan's property.'[1]
The Prophet (s) also said, 'The best of your houses is a house in which there is an orphan treated kindly, and the worst of your houses is a house in which there is an orphan treated badly.'[2]
He also said, 'Whoever shares his food and drink with an orphan so that the orphan becomes secure from his needs will be in Paradise.'
As for the matter of looking for an orphan who is not illegitimate, this matter has its own method that requires personal efforts and great accuracy, and in some countries, certain official places can help you out. I pray to Allah to make you and your wife successful in doing good deeds.
Question 96
My wife is faithful and from a respectable family. Before marriage, we read together some books about marital life in the light of Islamic values. Now, we are about to enter into a new stage of our shared life: it is the stage of fatherhood and motherhood. Would you please show us what is required from us in this stage so that Allah may grant us a sound child mentally and physically? I have read a tradition saying, 'The unhappy one is made unhappy in his mother's
[1] Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 75 p.4.
[2] Al-Hikam az-Zahira an an-Nabiy wa Itratihi at-Tahira, p.212.
womb, and the happy one is made happy in his mother's womb.'
The answer: Your question shows your purposeful culture in life and your association of Islam as a responsible mission. First, I would like to congratulate you for this constructive culture and sincere association of your beliefs.
As for the answer, I would like to say that there are some previous procedures necessary before a sperm and an ovum should convene:
1. Close relation and true love; you should have the utmost satisfaction and mental comfort with this relation!
2. Lawful food; the unlawful bite, the bite whose legal due is not paid, and the bite, on which the name of Allah is not mentioned, have a great negative effect on the offspring.
3. Suitable time (of making love); let your sleeping with your wife not be on the first day of the lunar months nor at the middle of them, nor in the nights of Eid ul-Adha (after the annual Hajj to Mecca) and Eid ul-Fitr (the end of Ramadan), nor under a fruitful tree, nor before the sun directly, nor on the roof of the house nor in the night of travel.
4. Praying to Allah to make the child sound
5. Performing wudu' when sleeping together
But, after the creation of the fetus:
1. Adhering to mutual love, eating lawful food, supplicating to Allah, and reciting the Qur'an
2. Avoiding smoking
3. Avoiding being angry and nervous
4. Avoiding chemical drugs
5. Performing wudu' throughout the period of pregnancy
6. Eating spinach for it is rich in iron, eating dates for they plant patience in the spirit of the fetus, eating quince for it gives the fetus good morals and strengthen its mind and brain, and eating pears, apples, and melons for they have an influence on the beauty, bloom, and complexion of the fetus
And, after birth:
1. Reciting the azan in the child's right ear and the iqama[1] in its left ear
2. Suckling the child from the mother's breast while the mother is in a good moral state, such as performing wudu', sitting with the face towards the Kaaba, and smiling at the child when suckling
3. Paying charity and aqeeqa (a sacrifice distributed amongst the poor as a sacrifice for the newborn baby)
4. Choosing a nice name that has a good meaning, and there are no better names than those of our infallible leaders and their pure progeny. If there is an insistence on new names, they can be derived from Qur'anic or historical words. For females, there are names like Aala', Asma', Ayaat, Ru'ya, Fadak, Ghadeer, Hidayeh, etc. For males, there are names like Zahir, Zahid, Tahir, Sabir, Bassim, Shareef, etc.
As for the tradition you have mentioned, it has been narrated from the Prophet (s) in this way, 'The unhappy one is he who is unhappy in his mother's womb, and the happy one is he who is happy in his mother's womb.'[2]
This is the correct quotation of the tradition; the one you quoted implies a sense of compulsion, as if it has been pre-determined from the period of pregnancy whether a man will be happy or unhappy. Compulsion is rejected in Islam because it does not go well with its teachings that invite man to practice it by his own choice and will.
The phrase in the actual tradition means that happiness or unhappiness begin from the ground parents prepare for their child, from the moment the sperm and the ovum convene and throughout the period of pregnancy. This has been confirmed by modern scientific researches, which say that alcohol, smoking, narcotics, psychological turmoil, disturbing noises,
[1] Iqama is a certain wording recited at the beginning of prayers.
[2] Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 5 p.9.
and harmful meals have negative effects on the health and mentality of the fetus and will have bad effects on his behavior and life in the future.
Parents must not be satisfied with their care in only the above-mentioned stages, but they must continuously educate their children of virtuous concepts and good morals as a farmer does to the seed. He continuously waters, looks after, prunes, and protects it from blights. If he delays or is slack in any one of these activities, the fruits will be affected and his efforts will be lost.
Hence, Imam Ali (s) said to his son Imam Hasan (s), 'The heart of a youth is like an empty land; whatever is planted in it, [the land] receives it. So, hasten towards good morals before your heart becomes hard and your mind becomes busy…'[1]
Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'Educate your youth about the Hadith before the Murji'ites[148] deviate them!'[2]
The Murji'ites were deviants in their beliefs. They were active among the Muslims at the time of Imam as-Sadiq (s). This movement was like any movement that appears in our age, and every age, to close the way before the youth and turn them away from the guidance of Allah the Almighty. This often happens under the name of religion and guidance.
However, if man, from his early childhood and youth, learns the true religion, he will discover the falsehoods and will be safe from the deviants.
Question 97
My daughter-in-law is one of the laziest people! She does not heed her responsibility as a human being let alone as a wife! Even after eating food, which others cook and serve before her hands, she leaves without even picking up the leftovers on the table or the
[1] Nahjol Balagha, his letter to his son Imam al-Hasan (s).
[2] A politico-religious movement in early Islam.
[3] Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 15 p.196.
plates she eats in.
How strange this girl is! She lacks a conscience, or so I think. She sees how tired her mother-in-law is, but she does not help her. I kept silent and did not talk to my son about this matter until I became impatient. Instead of reforming herself and accepting the truth, she became angry and stopped talking to us. She has begun paying no attention to us.
I wonder at these strange types of youth from this generation. What would you advise me and my daughter-in-law and those amongst your readers who are like her?
The answer: This girl and those like her are the results of bad education in the houses of their families. Bad cultures and some TV programs produce dependent and lazy people who do not feel any responsibility or any value of time and age. This is a general aspect of luxurious societies, which is not an aspect of good and faithful people.
True faith makes man active, generous, merry, loving, cordial, cooperative, and eager to do good whenever he can, and humanity makes man an attractive being with his behavior. If man loses these two elements, what value does he have then?
In Islam, we have moral incentives that make us hurry to serve people and carry out their needs.
Once, the Prophet (s) suggested to his companions to build a bridge over a river to help the weak people cross. Some companions said they would build the bridge the next day. When they came the next day, they found the bridge was already built. They went to the Prophet (s) to tell him that. The Prophet (s) asked who had built the bridge and some people replied, 'O messenger of Allah, we went before them and built the bridge just for the reward of Allah.'
The Prophet (s) prayed to Allah for these companions for their actions and also for the other ones for their intention. Thus, faith led the believers to accomplish great achievements with which the Islamic civilization was formed. It is the civilization about which the scholars of the West and the East have said
that it was the source of the modern sciences and the source of the positive aspects of the Western civilization.
This spirit that the great Prophet (s) had inspired into Muslims has died in most Muslims of nowadays. Some of them are lazy to such a degree that they are indifferent even to their personal affairs and what brings happiness to their marital life. However, this does not mean that it is not possible for that spirit to come back to them or for it to be revived in the souls again.
This is on the level of Islam, civilization, and life, but the same can also be said for individuals and their families.
As for the problem presented in the question, it can be treated through the following steps:
1. Attract this young wife by showing her more respect and encouragement so that she can undertake some responsibilities without becoming angry.
2. Give her some books that discuss concepts like cooperation, undertaking responsibilities, purposefulness, and the importance of winning the love of others in the family by performing domestic affairs.
3. Avoid forcing and scolding, whether implicitly or openly, for these things will lead her to resist.
4. Your son (her husband) should teach her the Islamic teachings concerning the moral sides, part of which is the wife's work in the house such as cooking, cleaning, and other things; though they are not obligatory like prayers and fasting, this work nevertheless is a moral duty that has a direct influence on the happiness of the marital life. She should know that intentional cooperation increases love, which is the basis of the marital life.
As there are certain duties and responsibilities incumbent on the husband, there are certain duties and responsibilities incumbent on the wife too. Without mutual cooperation, their life will be full of troubles and then it may reach a painful end.
5. The husband should also help his wife by performing some household affairs whenever he has time and is ready, for he will be rewarded for that.
6. The household affairs can be forced onto this wife in a clever way. For example, those who usually perform the daily affairs in the house may travel and leave this wife in the house so that she would be obliged to work in the house. I hope that she will not be cleverer than you like a certain lazy wife whose husband and mother-in-law planned to involve her in the household responsibilities as follows:
The husband and his mother would compete for the broom; each of them would try to sweep so that the wife might feel shame and come take the broom from them and start sweeping herself. One day, she came to them and surprised them by saying to her husband coldly and with a soft voice: O dear, there is no need to dispute. One day you can sweep and the other day your mother can sweep.
After this witticism, I would like to recommend this dear wife and those like her of some things that have advantages and rewards for them:
1. Work has a virtuous value that raises man to a high position and makes him respected and beloved.
2. He who exerts himself becomes healthy, while the lazy ones are often sick. Work activates the circulation of blood, joints, and muscles while laziness does the opposite.
3. Willpower is a power that works miracles. It must be used in constructive ways.
4. Humbleness is a quality of those who sit on the top of the good life, so wherefore is this haughtiness, which throws man into the abyss of meanness?
5. Man must have practical experiences in his life. In life, there are many sudden events that a woman may fall into, and then she can rescue herself based on her knowledge from previous experiences.
6. In order for the difficulty of the household affairs to become easy for you and in order to get rid of your laziness, you should think of the rewards of the afterlife. The infallible Imams of the Ahlul Bayt (s) have narrated, 'When a woman gives her husband a drink of water, it is better for her than the worships of a year spent in fasting during the day and praying in the night. For every drink she gives to her husband, Allah will build her a town in Paradise and forgive her sixty sins.'[1]
Question 98
The phenomenon of spinsterhood in Muslim countries is painful and full of grief. In Egypt for example, statistics confirm that there are three million and eight hundred thousand unmarried girls who are past thirty years in age.
Studies attribute this matter to the excessive dowries and high costs of marriage besides that there are a great number of girls who are afraid of marriage itself.
Ahmad Rif'at, a member of the Royal Society of Psychological Diseases in Britain, says that the reasons for spinsterhood are due to the competition between men and women in the field of work after the competition has been limited to men for many years. Woman now wants to prove her existence in the practical fields before she wants to participate with a man in marital life; therefore her marriage becomes delayed and marriage opportunities also decrease.
The Egyptian doctor Mahmood Abdurrahman, a specialist in psychological medicine, thinks that the reasons behind the delay in marriage are due to the conditions girls or their families make (such as excessive dowries, the number of rooms in the future house, the job of the husband, and even his shape), and also the conditions men make (such as the age of the girl and a restriction that she must not have been engaged or married before).
Dr. Muna Jad, the dean of the College of Kindergartens in Cairo, says that the problem appears due to contradictions in which the youth live that have placed the youth in a state of being torn apart and
[1] Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 14 p.123.
feeling unstable and unsafe. The youth live in an atmosphere of imaginary wealth like they see in some foreign films and serials. They wish to live in those societies, but unfortunately they only see the outward characteristics of those societies and not the actual characteristics there. They see the good things only and not the bad things of those societies.
Dr. Muna Jad mentions that the problems of the youth increase when they cannot get married at a suitable age. Disappointment and despair overcome them, and then they deny their society and all that is around them. In fact, some of them may commit crimes and sins because of that, and hence, they destroy themselves and all that is around them.
Your Eminence Sheikh al-Muhtadi al-Bahrani, regarding this information, what is your opinion about the phenomenon of spinsterhood?
The answer: What these scholars have mentioned is true, but the researchers must study the hidden reasons for this phenomenon, which has never been a big problem in the history of Islam.
I ask: who attracts women to work in the common fields with men? The problem originates from the minds that are separate from the Islamic mentality and have been educated with Western cultures and have come back to manage the life of the Muslims according to what those cultures inspired in them. Those cultures have all the means to make people Muslims by name only while they are very far from Islam in their behaviors of solving their psychological and social problems and their political and economical crises.
Foreign films and serials undoubtedly have a great and dangerous influence on the phenomenon of spinsterhood. The films that have been produced in Egypt are not any less in their bad influences on Muslim societies than those that have been produced in foreign studios. The Egyptian libertine films and serials have played a serious role in taking Muslims away from their Islamic values and in destroying their moral principles.
These films still affect the Arabic societies and serve the imperialistic plots there. Excessive dowries, denial of polygamy, encouragement of women to prefer divorce and spinsterhood in some way or another, justification of sins and family treason, and emphasis on the material aspects and indifference to the moral aspects in the marital life are Zionist goods that have been sold out to the public by the Egyptian films and serials. It is well-known that behind the cultural attack to corrupt the youth of the Islamic umma and to distribute the products of Zionist companies, like libertine films and other such things, are great foundations, abundant capitals, and hellish plans.
Of course, I am excluding the religious serials and good films that Egypt produces although, in comparison with the bad ones, they appear as withered flowers between huge thorns.
There is no doubt that spinsterhood has political, economical, and other reasons. The companies dealing with unlawful sex and its means are the first beneficiaries of deviations resulting from spinsterhood. The politicians of this material life and of sleepless nights also are beneficiaries, and they usually have authority over the media and culture. The reasons are interlaced and spinsterhood is one of the consequences of the great deviations of the umma.
As for the cure, it ought to be considered from four sides:
First, the state, which has the greatest abilities, can direct the culture of its people toward Islamic resolutions through schools, universities, and the media, especially through films and serials. It also has the ability to prevent economical foundations and establishments from exploiting spinsterhood by restricting employment of unmarried women in cabarets, ballrooms, and studios of libertine films and in their commercial requirements.
Second, charitable organizations can play a great role in resolving the problem of spinsterhood by collecting charities from good people and giving them to the youth whose poverty
prevents them from getting married. These organizations can also make use of the successful experiment of collective weddings, as do charitable organizations in some Islamic countries, where they arrange one party for the weddings of hundreds of couples.
Third, ulama and preachers play an important role in convincing society of the conception of the Sharia and the sunna of the Prophet (s) concerning the matter of polygamy and how a husband must be just to all of his wives equally. Explaining moral principles and emphasizing concepts like satisfaction, avoidance of selfishness and envy, contentment with the fate of Allah and His just determinations, regard for the afterlife, and management of worldly affairs according to reason and good morals will help the society do away with the problem of spinsterhood or limit it. What gives good news though is that when the temporary marriage (missyar), that has begun to find its way among the Sunni, is practiced according to its moral conditions, it will limit spinsterhood and secret debauchery; and if the temporary marriage of the Shia is also practiced according to its legal conditions, it will solve a great part of the problem.
Fourth, psychologists can play a great positive role in persuading society of the comprehensive resolutions of Islam if they first convince themselves of those resolutions and want, sincerely, to participate in resolving the problem.
Finally, I suggest forming a committee including notables of each of these four sides to study the problem in all its dimensions and then generate suitable solutions and cooperate in implementing these solutions.
Question 99
It has been mentioned in Prophetic traditions that marriage is half of religion and it protects men and women from slipping into sexual corruptions. However, in our present age, we find married men and married women practicing adultery as they like. Is this a defect in the tradition or what?
What is strange is that some religious, married men are very lustful. How do you interpret this phenomenon?
The answer: There are several reasons behind this kind of corruption of married persons:
Sexual impotence of one of the spouses
Excessive lustfulness
Leisure, recklessness, and wealth
A wish for variety, discovering and tasting different kinds of things
A wish for revenge, where, for example, one of the spouses may practice adultery to take revenge on the other because of a quarrel between them or something like that
Poverty and need, i.e., a person may practice adultery to obtain some money
Dislike for the spouse because of unattractiveness or ignorance in practicing sexual intercourse
Seduction and slipping into adultery at a moment of neglect
What is common between these reasons is a weakness in faith or the absence of faith. Therefore, we always insist on strengthening religious motives in man and continuing to instruct, remind, and warn him.
As for the excessive lust of religious people, the matter is different, because a religious person, if he really is religious, can satisfy his sexual lust with his wife; otherwise, religion permits him to marry another wife either in permanent marriage or temporary marriage within the legal conditions of each type of marriage.
If we suppose the opposite that it is the wife who wants to satisfy her sexual lust but her husband is unable to satisfy her (and this is very rare among religious women or may be impossible), here, a religious wife should try to occupy herself
with something else and soon her excitement will go out. However, if she cannot satisfy herself with this resolution forever, she has two choices: either to agree with her husband to separate and get married to another man who is able to satisfy her sexual lust, although it is not recommended, or to be patient and satisfied with her fate based on "the important thing and the Most Important," and this is something praiseworthy.
It is thus if the lust is too strong and cannot be controlled except through these resolutions. But the advice that I would like to give to spouses in religious families is that they, in order to not fall into sins, should lower their sights before the provocations in the television, magazines, and streets and avoid heavy meals, which excite their lust.
Allah says, (Say to the believing men that they cast down their looks and guard their private parts; that is purer for them; surely Allah is Aware of what they do, and tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their private parts, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment save to their own husbands or fathers or husbands' fathers, or their sons or their husbands' sons, or their brothers or their brothers' sons or sisters' sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male attendants who lack vigor, or children who know naught of women's nakedness. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And turn unto Allah together, O believers, in order that you may succeed). [1]
A religious man and a religious woman, even if they lower their gazes, may look at something unwillingly, and then their lust would become excited despite their wills. In this case, Islam has recommended the following:
'If someone of you sees a beautiful woman and he admires her, let him go to sleep with his wife, because the pleasure is the
[1] Qur'an, 24:30-31.
same and what is got from sleeping with that woman is like what is got from sleeping with his wife.'[1]
Islam has forbidden women and girls from displaying their charms even inside the house before their brothers, uncles, and even their fathers. Imam Ali (s) narrates that one day a young man came to the Prophet (s) and asked him, 'Should I ask my mother's permission when I want to come in to her?'
The Prophet (s) said to him, 'Do you want to see her without clothes?'
He said, 'No, I do not.'
The Prophet (s) said, 'Then, you should ask her permission.'
Then the young man asked, 'Can my sister uncover her hair before me?'
The Prophet (s) said, 'No, shecannot.'
The young man asked, 'Why?'
The Prophet (s) said, 'I fear for you that if she displays something of her charms before you, the Satan may provoke you.'[2]
We understand from this story that the Prophet (s) has perceived the power of lust in this young man, as in any other young man, and recommended that before such persons, charms must be covered to avoid excitement and sin.
One who observes social cases, marital treasons, sins, files of the courts, and the news of the terrible events of sexual rapes, even against children, discovers how wide the gap is between Muslims and the warnings of the Qur'an and the Prophet (s). If they were closer to the Qur'an and the Sunna, they would not live in quarrels, corruption, and disgrace.
Dear young men and young women, do not follow the steps of the Satan, because they will lead you to his traps. Fear Allah
[1] Rawdhat al-Muttaqeen, vol.8 p.245, the tradition is narrated from the Prophet (s).
[2] Da'a'im al-Islam, vol.2 p.220.
secretly and openly, and let jealousy, abstinence, and wariness be your dress! Avoid scenes and situations that will incite your lusts to be safe from sins! Occupy yourselves with work, sport, and worships to be close to Allah, the Giver of happiness!
Question 100
It is customary that young men go and propose to young women. It is considered ugly among people when young women go and propose to young men, whereas we find the Qur'an saying, (…and a believing woman if she gave herself to the Prophet, if the Prophet desired to marry her- specially for you, not for the (rest of) believers). [1]
My question is: which is right - what the Muslims did at the time of the Prophet (s) or what is customary in our present age?
The answer: Customs, sometimes, control the affairs of people while people have no choice in it. The position of Islam in this concern is that the more important thing has to be preferred to the important thing while preserving the benefits of people and moving gradually towards the teachings Islam has established.
Yes! This Qur'anic verse is clear in this concern. Imam al-Baqir (s) narrates that once a woman from Medina came to the Prophet (s) and said, 'O messenger of Allah, a woman does not go to engage a husband. I have been a widow for a long time and I have no child. Do you want me (to be your wife)? I have given myself to you if you accept me…'[2].
This woman came to the Prophet (s) by herself and asked him to marry her, and the Prophet (s) neither chided her nor disapproved of her doing so. This means that this matter was natural in Islam. Besides, the Qur'an has mentioned this matter without any implication of ugliness. Khadeeja (s) herself asked the Prophet (s) to marry her, and she was the head lady of hertime.
[1] Qur'an, 33:50.
[2] Usool al-Kafi, vol.5 p.568.
A proposal made by a virgin or a widow is not prohibited in the Sharia, but customs have their respected position if they do not oppose the Islamic values. In fact, in our present time, there does not have to be a contradiction between customs and the wishes of a girl when she finds a suitable husband. The potential husband can be informed secretly of the wish of the girl. If he accepts, he can go and propose to the girl according to customs; otherwise, he should bury the matter and keep the secret forever. This is a trust and a traitor will be answerable on the Day of Resurrection. In this way, as I think, the two manners can be practiced together.
Question 101
I am a twenty-five year old girl. I have undergone an unsuccessful marriage that ended with divorce. My family prevents me from choosing my second marital life by myself. Legally, do they have the right to do that or am I free to choose my husband?
The answer: Legally, you are free to choose the husband whom you think will be suitable for you, but you would be better off, in order to live free from family troubles, to agree with your family in any way you find will have an influence on them.
Always decide to avoid what causes quarrels in your life, because a life full of quarrels and nervousness is nearer to death than to life.
Man lives happily with his family and relatives when he behaves with them leniently, smilingly, and wisely. It is wrong when man thinks of attaining happiness through violence, nervousness, enmity, and hatred. Those who think so are but moving corpses until a certain day.
Support for your situation in convincing your family of your free will in choosing is a saying of Imam as-Sadiq (s). When he was asked a question similar to yours, he said, 'She is worthier of herself. She can entrust a qualified one with her affairs if she
likes after she has got married to a husband before.'[1]
Imam ar-Redha (s) has said, 'The permission of a virgin (concerning marriage) is her keeping silence and the permission of a widow or divorcee is up to her.'[2]
And you should not forget that a family often prevents their daughter from choosing her husband by herself because they do not want her to be involved in another failure, for it is quite often that young girls and women are deceived by the nice words and shapes of men, and then when those men satisfy their desires with these women, they leave them to look for other victims. Therefore, Islam has emphasized the necessity of the interference of a father in the matter of marriage of a virgin because she has not had enough experience in this concern and she may be liable to be deceived more than divorcees or widows who have some experience in this matter.
Yes! There is a special exception that if a virgin is rational and prudent, and her father is ignorant and cannot decide for the advantage of his daughter, Islam permits her to choose a suitable husband by herself even if her father objects to her choice.
Ibn Abbas reports that one day a bondwoman came to the Prophet (s) and told him that her father had married her to somebody while she was unwilling and the Prophet (s) gave her the choice (either to accept her husband or to leave him).[3]
Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'There is no problem in marrying a virgin if she agrees without her father's permission.'[4]
In the light of this, our jurisprudents have given a fatwa that if a virgin's guardian prevents her from getting married to a qualified man whom she wants, her guardian's permission will
[1] Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 14 p.201.
[2] Ibid., p.206.
[3] Sunan of Ibn Maja, vol.1 p.603.
[4] Rawdhatul Muttaqeen, vol.14 p.214.
be of no effect.[1]
source : For A Better Future/By : Abdul Adheem al-Muhtadi al-Bahrani
