Islam has emphasized and stressed this point. The Prophet (a.s) said:
إذا أراد أحدكم أن يتزوج المرأة فليسأل عن شعرها, كما يسأل عن وجهها, فإن الشعر أحد الجمالين
"When one of you intends to marry a woman, he should ask about
her hair, just as he asks about her face (beauty), since the
hair is one of the two beauties (of women)."
And similarly, it has been recommended that the spouses beautify and decorate themselves for each other and please and satisfy one another to remain safe and sound from deviations, corruption, and debauchery.
When one of the infallible Imams has coloured his blessed hair with Henna (dye made from a shrub), someone surprisingly asked him, "Have you beautified yourself?"
Imam (a.s) said: "yes! Decorating and beautifying (oneself) increases the modesty of women." 1
Indifference and carelessness toward these matters may bring about miseries and scandals.
It is necessary to discuss love and sexual problems separately, which we will do in the chapter under the topic 'Love, the axis of life'.
NOTE
Beauty should be considered beside other qualities and standards, no as an independent one. That is, beauty devoid of religiousness, modesty and morality is not only unappreciated as a distinction, but also is a dangerous calamity. Beauty is taken to be a perfection, worth and distinction for someone, only when that person is equipped and decorated with religion, morality, modesty, nobility and reason, otherwise it is a defaming affliction.
Beauty lacking modesty is greenery growing upon a dung hill. The saying of the Prophet (a.s), which has been described, is very suitable here:
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1- Biharul Anwar, vol.103, p 237.
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"Avoid the greenery growing over the dunghill (heaps of dirt)."
Similarly, "The one who marries a woman for her beauty (only), he will see unpleasant thing in her."
'Beauty' is not considered one of the basic and independent factors in marital life, rather it is a 'quality of perfection' which if accompanied by fundamental and basic qualities has worth, otherwise no!
Regrettably, sometimes this quality dazzles the insight of the youth and they sacrifice most of their values upon it. The apparent attractions and charms deprive them of farsightedness and make them fascinated and enchanted, so that having forgotten the real and actual standards, they neglect those. Thus they raise the structure of life upon a weak and unstable foundation. As a consequence, after a period, when that freshness and apparent attractions have a fall and, on the other hand, the enthusiasm and emotional storm of passions also subside, then dismay and disagreements evolve on the scene and the displeasing factors and peculiarities become obvious and evident.
But for the person who establishes his life upon the foundations of faith, religiousness, modesty and the real and noble values, and considers beauty as a 'completing distinction' the passage of time cannot wear out and erode that life.
إن الذين آمنوا و عملوا الصالحات سيجعل لهم الرحمان ودا
"Surely (as for) those who believe and do good deeds, for them will Allah bring about love."
Allah places such and intense love and immense and profound fondness as a reward in the hearts of faithful spouses that cannot be wiped out and annihilated even by the termination of youth's livelihood.
ما عندكم ينفد و ما عندالله باق
"What is with you passes away (finishes) and what is with Allah is enduring."
The relation that is established on the basis of allah's values is an eternal and everlasting bondage and those contrary to it would be unsteady and unstable.
SEVENTH: KNOWLEDGE AND EDUCATION
Knowledge and education have a great effect on the prosperity and felicity of man. Being educated and gaining knowledge is obligatory on every Muslim man and woman.1
This specification is the focus of attention in spouse selection and a joint life and is considered to be a distinction for a decent and suitable spouse. It also has a deep effect on attaining perfection and the progress of life, performing marital duties and the bringing up and training of children.
But this peculiarity (like beauty) is the condition of perfection, not its foundation and should be considered beside real and basic qualities and
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1- Prophet (a.s), Usool-e Kafi, vol. 1, the chapter on Excellence of knowledge, Hadith 1.
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standards, not independently. All that has been discussed about 'beauty' stands valid and is true this discussion as well.
Knowledge, short of commitment and faith is always harmful, as is beauty without faith and modesty.
That which is important in this topic is the proportions and equality of learning between two spouses, which will inshallah, be described in the next discussion, i.e. 'equity.'
EIGHTH: BEING EACH OTHER'S MATCH
(EQUITY AND PROPORTIONATENESS)
It has been said in the beginning of this chapter that this part, (standards of spouse selection), is the most important chapter out of all the discussion. And now we say that the vitally important part of the discussion is 'equity and balance between the two spouses.' This is the most sensitive matter to concentrate on while selection a spouse.
Equity between the couple means: a proportion, balance, co-ordination, concurrence and congeniality between the boy and the girl, and conventionally, the harmony of a man and woman to get along together.
Marriage is a form of combination between two human being and two families. Joint and common life is 'a compound' thing, the actual and basic elements of which are the man and the woman. The more the harmony, co-ordination and congeniality of thought, spirit, morality and physique in this compound, the more its strength, enjoyment, fruits, positive consequences, stability and continuance. The less the ration of its consistence, the more life would be unastable, bitter and fruitless.
The main cause of the miseries, turbulence and turmoil of family life is due to the lack of co-ordination and proportion between men and women.
Two people who join each other's company and wish to prolong this company for the whole of their lives and share all matters, taking joint decisions, bringing children into existence, training them and making them reach prosperity must definitely be harmonious, concurrent, and congenious and have reciprocal equity.
Regrettably, in the wake of the spouse selection problem, conventional goodness is usually taken as sufficient , and less attention is paid to the equity and balance between the boy and the girl; whereas this is the axis and pivot of the standard of spouse selection.
There are only a few people on our society who are completely incapable of marrying and having a spouse. All boys and girls have the capability and capacity for marriage, but all that needs to be taken into consideration is which girl suits which boy.
These problems that we see all around us for e.g., that such and such a woman has difficulty with her husband and their life is disturbed and in a bad shape, or that such and such a man has conflict with his wife and is offended and annoyed with her and they pass an 'unwanted' and 'undesirable' life, are due to the fact that mutually proper and suitable spouses were not chosen. If this had been done, these difficulties, odds, conflicts and family disturbances would not have existed of at least, been minimized.
"The persons who, before their marriage, endeavour to study their spouses and find spouses who are suitable and proportional for them and are conventionally their counterparts,have solved a part of their post marriage difficulties and problems regarding children training. Otherwise, they save and secure the difficulties which could be solved before the post marriage period."1
