13- FUTURE EQUALITY
(FUTURE MUST ALSO TO A POSSIBLE EXTENT BE TAKEN IN VIEW)
It is possible that a boy and a girl are equivalent and proportionate at the time of proposal and marriage, and apparently there may not be any considerable non-co-ordination and heterogeneity between them, but after a few years of marriage, a change or variation takes place in their life and consequently, a disharmony and discord brings about difficulty. So what must be done in these cases? How must future disharmonies be prevented?
The changes that occur in individuals and loves are of two forms:
1. UNPREDICTABLE VARIATIONS
Some changes and variations take place in the lives of certain people, which are unpredictable even though one might be the most foresighted person. Such kinds of occurrences and happenings need a specific reaction and a special decision and their suitable solutions should be sought. Such cases are out of the scope of our discussion.
2. PREDICTABLE CHANGES
Man can by pondering, contemplating, counselling, and seeking advice of alert and knowledgeable persons, considering his capabilities, talents, and inclinations to foresee many of the problems and events of his future life.
The youth who finds keenness, vigour and talents in respect of problems of knowledge and learning, and wishes to lead a life of knowledge and research must be attentive to this point when starting the search for a spouse. He or she must select a spouse possessing the capability an inclination towards these matters, and be fit to stand the limitations of such a life. The tolerance of these limitations needs recognition, capability and interest.
A person who loves luxuries and unlimited recreation cannot sacrifice these upon lofty and scared aims. How could a person brought up amid the ceremonious and enjoyable luxuries of life be expected to become familiar with the gatherings of knowledge, morality, and excellence? The person whose life is integrated with gold, clothes, fashion worshipping and passions cannot go along with a pious and meaningful life. How can a person born and bred in a mean and badly trained family, lacking faith in spiritual values, and one who has been nourished by the sap of that unclean tree and whose flesh, skin and soul has grown from that stinking marsh, breathe and live in a fragrant garden of purity and spiritualism? (We have nothing to do with the exceptions).
The future of a family can, to a great extent, be foreseen by the consideration of its form of conduct and morality. A person who intends to shoulder the big responsibilities of society and his life has to meet changes, variations, and revolutions and who expects his wife to accompany and assist him, must choose a witty, sagacious, tolerant and purposeful spouse. The girl who loves virtues and excellence and wishes to follow 'Zeinab-e Kubra' (a.s) must marry a man resembling Hussain (a.s). The boy who wants to have pious and gnostic children must marry a pious, ascetic and gnostic girl.
DISCUSSING THE FUTURE AIMS AND PROBABLE CHANGES BEFORE MARRIAGE
The boy and the girl should tell each other the aims, ideals, future designs in their minds and the probable changes to occur in future. Because, if the spouses know the aims, purpose and plans of the future before getting married, they either accept those and prepare themselves for bearing and accompanying of they reject them and the matter does not occur.
But if they do not know and understand, then they might not accept and tolerate those things after being confronted with them. Consequently, they get involved and the matter reaches a point of conflict and incongruity.
QUESTION AND ANSWER
In the preliminary era of Islam, we observe some cases in the histories of the leaders of Islam and the companions of the Prophet (a.s) where some marriage
took place in which these standards and cases of match-making were not taken into view. For instance, in the marriage of Hazrat Mohammad (a.s), the Proportionality of age and economical status were not observed. Hazrat Khadija (a.s) was much older and richer than the Prophet (a.s). Likewise, in the marriage of juwaibir and Zalfa the homogeneity of the family social status and beauty were not viewed. Zalfa was very beautiful and her family's social status was much higher than that of Juwaibir; but this marriage was executed by the command of the holy Prophet (a.s). Some of the infallible Imams married their slave maids and there are many more examples. Similarly, in our own age, we also sometimes see marriages and lives in which some of the above- mentioned standards and criteria are not observed in connection with the match-making of the spouses and they have relatively better lives. Do these specimens not contradict and undermine the standards of spouse selection in the above discussion?
ANSWER
1- What we discuss in these arguments is based upon te majority of people. It is possible that the problems discussed may have exceptions that are reserved in their places. But rules and regulations can never be set upon the bases of exceptions.
2- The strengths and capacities of individuals are different and the heavy load of responsibility cannot be put equally on all shoulders. That one who is weak bends his back and perhaps, his back may even break. Heavy loads are the responsibility of energetic and powerful men. But as far as the common folk and the different strata and group of society are concerned, the energies and capacities of the majority of them should be taken into view and the responsibility and law be formulated according to their conditions.
For instance, Allah farmed some authorities and specified duties for the Prophet (a.s) so that nobody else except him was bound and obliged to perform them, (such as the obligatory night service, his guardianship and superiority in all matters over the Muslims and non Muslims, the number of marriages allowed and many other things).
3- If there are people to be found in other times who can practise exceptional matters, we too would appreciate and encourage them.
Thus the marriage such as that of the Prophet (a.s) with Khadija (a.s) or that of Zalfa with Juwaibir are not common prescriptions to be suggested and prescribed to all. yes, if the likes of Khadija (a.s) and Mohammad (a.s) appear, they would be the matches of each other and their marriage would be blessing and prosperity, although they may be various in respect of age and wealth.
Whenever a faithful and pious girl like Zalfa comes into existence and is as submissive to the Prophet (a.s) as she was, and a boy having the decency and faith of Juwaiber is found and he submits to the Prophet in the same way, both would be the match and counterpart of each other; though the boy may be ugly and poor and the girl be beautiful and wealthy. So we must be careful not to mix matters up.
Of course, there is nobody and there was nobody like the Prophet and the infallible Imams, but at least there should be some resemblance to them so that such marriage are suggested.
The commander of the believers, Ali (a.s) said:
"You cannot lead your lives like me. But help me in piety, endeavour, modesty and honesty (Try to imitate me)." 1
If not like the infallibles, we can become the like of others such as Zalfa and Juwaibir. We know many girls in our own society who married the dear soldiers of the scared war and serve them from the core of their hearts and take pride in it.2
IMPORTANT CAUTION!
CAREFULNESS YES! OBSESSION, NO!
If one has the knowledge of correct standards criteria of spouse selection, one would not face perplexity and fault. But if one does not lay hand on the correct an exact standards and is unaware what to do, one would be perplexed and uncertain about it. Sometimes, one is dragged and pushed into and state of excessiveness and practises unnecessary and undue obsession. At times, one get involved in deficiency;
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1- Nahjul Balagha, Imam Ali's (a.s) letter to Usman bin Hunaif.
2- We will discuss this issue in the seventh chapter "sacrificial marriage."
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both ways are damaging and bring repentance.
The balanced, correct, and desirable way is that at first, one should achieve the standards, which one deems true and fit, then select the spouse according to those standards, following the ways and manners to be described in the next chapter.
The minute care I am emphasizing is other than undue obsession.
We must know that a perfect spouse does not have any shortage and shortcoming according to the desire and want of person can never be found and can never be obtained (except the commander of the faithful, Hazrat Ali (a.s) and Fatima zahra (a.s) both of them infallibles and pure form all faults, shortcoming and sins). We do not know any other couple, which might be infallibles. Even the spouses of other infallibles were not infallibles (innocent). Nobody (apart from the innocent and the infallibles) (both men and women) is pure of faults and everybody definitely has weak points.
If somebody wishes to have an all round, perfect, and complete spouse which should be according to his wants and desires, he must firstly look into himself to see wether he or she is free of all faults and does not have any weak points. Surely, no one can make such a claim. Therefore he or she should know that the person who is going to be his or her spouse is also not devoid and free of all defects and complete. One must not think so idealistically, or no one will ever reach one's complete ideal.
Sometimes I tell my friends and acquaintances who practise this illogical obsession, exceeding the limits of spouse selection, "If you wish to have a perfect and ideal spouse, who may be, from all aspects, according to your desire, then inshallah, when you go to heaven, you will find that, because all those in paradise (both men and women) are perfect and perfectly liked by each other. But such a person is not found in this world. Besides, are you yourself so perfect as to demand a person who is complete?"
Therefore, a through and complete check and care must be exercised in the selection of a proportional and balanced spouse for oneself. But it should be born in mind that a hundred percent homogeneity and harmony is not possible and a certain amount of distance and disharmony would definitely exist. All that should be endeavoured is to lessen this distance and disharmony, so that it reaches the lowest possible limit.
The distance and lack of homogeneity might be compensated for and made good by mutual understanding, love, forbearance and magnanimity.
So: Minute care Yes! Obsession No!
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Now when the standards and qualities of the spouse have been described, there is another question to be discussed: Those who lack these qualities and attributes, what must they do? Should they remain spouseless for the rest of their lives?
ANSWER
1- A portion of the answer to this question has been equality and homogeneity; meaning, if everyone selects his counterpart and proportional spouse, only very few will remain spouseless. There are only a few people who may not find their counterpart and match. For instance, an irreligious, characterless, and immoral person must not look forward to marrying a pious and good-natured one, having decent and moral character; instead, this person must marry someone like himself or herself; because 'birds of a feather, flock together'.
And a person who has a lower grade of knowledge, his or her counterpart and spouse is a person like himself or herself; and same is true about other attributes and peculiarities.
