Rights of the Parents

Someone asked the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) about the rights of the father. He (s.a.w.s.) replied,
"He should be obeyed always, as long as he lives."

Then he was asked, "What is the right of the mother?". He answered,
"If the service to a mother equals the quantity of the particles of sand in the desert and the drops of rain on earth, it (this service) will not repay for a single day that she kept you in her womb."
(Mustadrakul Wasael)

A Young Man and His Invalid Mother

It is reported that a young man approached the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) and asked,
"O Prophet of Allah (s.a.w.s.), I have a mother who is an invalid. She cannot even move by herself. I carry her on my back and feed her with my hands. I also clean her excreta. Have I fulfilled her rights?"

The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) replied,
"No. Because you have remained in the womb for a long period during which you derived your nourishment from her body. She was every busy in caring and protecting you at all costs. Inspite of such hardships she always wished a long life for you. But you are waiting for her to die so that you may relieved of the responsibility of taking care of her."

The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) described the eminence of a mother's position in the following statement:
1) "If you are praying a mustahab prayer and your father calls you, do not break your prayer but if your mother calls, break the prayer."

Truly, this assigns a remarkably high status to a mother. The Prophet (s.a.w.s.) states,
"Paradise is at the feet of your mother."

Hence one need not go far in search of Paradise.

Be Good to Parents Even if They Are Kafirs

Whether the parents are believers and pious or Kafirs and sinful, goodness towards them is wajib. And 'Aaq-e-Waledain' is Haraam.

The verse of Surah Luqman says thus,
"And if they contend with you that you should associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them, and keep company with them in this world kindly...".
(Surah Luqman 31:15)

Dua For Sunni Parents

Moammar Ibne Khallad asked Imam Reza (a.s.) whether one is allowed to pray for one's parents if they had not followed the truth and had not been Shia.

Imam Reza (a.s.) replied,
"If they are dead, pray for them and give Sadaqah on their behalf. If they are alive keep them happy."

The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) says;
"Allah the Most High has sent me as the Mercy for the worlds, except to the 'Aaq' (of parents)."

Jabir Ibne Abdullah (r.a.) reports that someone asked Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (a.s.), "My parents are against the truth, i.e. they are not the Shia of Ahlul Bayt (a.s.)". Imam replied:
"Be good towards them like you would be towards out Shias."
(Al Kafi)

Momin and Kafir Are Equal Under Three Circumstances

Hazrat Imam Muhammad al-Baqir (a.s.) said;
"Allah has not given superiority to a Momin in three circumstances.

First, to return what has been entrusted to you for safe keeping whether it belongs to a Momin or a Kafir.

Second, fulfilling an oath, whether given to a Momin or a Kafir. Third, doing good to the parents, whether they be Momin or Kafir."
(Al Kafi)

A letter on various aspects of Islamic Shariat, written by Hazrat Imam Reza (a.s.) to Mamun, include the following:
"Benevolence to parents is wajib even if both of them are 'Mushrik'. However obedience to parents is not wajib if their order is against the orders of the Creator."
(Oyun-e-Akhbare Reza)

Advice of Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) to Zakaria Ibne Ibrahim

Zakaria, the son of Ibrahim, was a Christian. Later he converted to Islam and had the honour of meeting Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (a.s.). He told Imam (a.s.) "My mother is a Christian and she is old and blind." The Imam advised him,
"Serve your mother and behave kindly towards her. Upon her death, do not leave her dead body to others. Perform her funeral rites yourself."

Thus this statement of the Imam (a.s.) is pregnant with two prophecies. Her death, and her conversion to Islam.

When Zakaria returned to Kufa he began to behave very kindly with his mother. He fed her with his own hands. Changed her clothes, washed and bathed her too. In short, he served his mother in every possible way. His mother asked, "My son you were not so dutiful when you were a Christian. Why is it that now you serve me day and night?"

Zakaria replied, "O my mother. I have a master who is the son of the Prophet of Allah (s.a.w.s.). He advised me to serve you in this way." The mother asked, "Is he a prophet?" "No. But he is a son of the Prophet (s.a.w.s.)." "Such a person must be a Prophet because only prophets teach such manners." The mother remarked.

Zakaria explained to his mother, "The chain of the Prophets came to an end with the Prophet of Islam (s.a.w.s.). He was the seal of the Prophets. The one who has guided me is the son of the Prophet (s.a.w.s.)." The mother said, "My son, the religion of Islam that you have embraced is better than all the religions. Teach me, so that I too may become a Muslim."

So, Zakaria made her recite the 'Kalima' and taught her the true beliefs. Later, this lady performed the Zohrain and the Maghrebain prayers. The same night death approached her. She told her son: "Dear son, repeat to me again whatever you have taught me." Zakaria began to recite while she listened carefully and in this way she passed away.

Displeasing the parents is Haraam and goodness towards them is Wajib, whether they are alive or dead. In other words parents have rights upon their children even after they (the parents) are dead.

If the son or the daughter forgets the parents after their death and does not perform good deeds on their behalf, it is 'Aaq-e-Waledain' irrespective of the fact that the child had fulfilled all his or her rights and served them till the time of their death.

Rights of Parents After Their Death

First: To carry out the Wajib acts which they did not perform during their life time, like Namaz, Roza, Hajj and repayment of debts.

Second: To Act on their will and testament.

Third: To perform various good deeds for their salvation, i.e., to give Sadaqah, to perform charitable acts, and to carry out recommended acts on their behalf. In short, one should strive to the utmost in doing good deeds on their behalf so that Allah may shower His blessing and mercy on them.

The Disobedient Children After the Death of Their Parents

It is narrated from Hazrat Muhammad al-Baqir (a.s.):
"Certainly, if a person is good to his parents when they are alive but forsakes them after they die and does not repay their debts or pray for their forgiveness, Allah will record 'Aaq-e-Waledain' in the account of his deeds. On the other hand, if a person is 'Aaq-e-Waledain' when they are alive but after their death repays their debts and prays for their forgiveness and salvation, Allah will include him among the righteous people".

Single Action, Multiple Rewards

Hazrat Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said,
"What prevents you from serving your parents in their life and death? The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) remarks about the goodness to parents after death. "Perform their 'namaz' (if some wajib prayers have been omitted by them, the eldest son should perform them himself, or have them fulfilled by someone else on payment. However, if no wajib prayer is remaining upon them, then he could pray Nawafil Namaz for them or have them performed on payment.) Pay Sadaqah on their behalf. Complete their Qaza fasts and fulfill the obligation of their Hajj. Whatever you do, both of you will be rewarded (i.e.you and your parents).

Apart from this, goodness to parents carries double rewards. One for the action itself, and second for the benevolence towards the parents.

Praying (Dua) For the Parents and Seeking Forgiveness On Their Belief

It is narrated from the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) that a man approached him and asked whether his parents have any rights upon him after their death? The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) replied,
"Yes, pray Namaz for them, seek forgiveness on their behalf, respect their tradition, and be good to their relatives."
(Al Kafi)

When is Obedience to the Parents Wajib?

The orders and restraints of the parents are of no significance with respect to the wajib acts and the Divine prohibitions. For example if the parents order the child to drink wine or restrain him from the obligatory prayers and fasts, they should not be obeyed. It is expressly mentioned in this Verse of Surah Luqman:
"And if they contend with you that you should associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them..."
(Surah Luqman 31:15)

The traditions also support this Ayat:
"No Obedience of a creature in contravention to the Divine command."
(Behaarul Anwaar)

Apart from these circumstances, obedience to parents is obligatory with regards to the Makruh and Mubah acts. The same applies to the Wajib-e-Kifai.

If by performing these actions, the parents are displeased or hurt, it is 'Haraam', a Greater Sin and causes one to be 'Aaq-e-Waledain'. Suppose the son wishes to proceed on a non-obligatory journey and the parents restrain him as they fear some harm for him, or because they cannot bear to be separated from him; and the son disobeys them and goes ahead with the journey, such a journey is Haraam. It is a journey of sin. Salaat and Fasting is not Qasr for this journey. In short, anything that causes displeasure and hurts the parents, is absolutely Haraam.

Obedience to parents is not obligatory in the following cases:
When it causes unbearable hardships or harm. For instance, if they restrain the son from marriage when he feels the need for it. Or they order the son to divorce his wife without a sound reason. If such an action will result in harm to both the spouses, it is not obligatory to obey the parents.

As far as I know, it is not obligatory to obey parents even in cases where they do not get angry or hurt if their commands are disobeyed.

As far as possible one should obey their orders and restrain from opposing them. Especially when the parents advise their children for their own benefit and without any selfish motive.

Disagreement among the Parents

If a situation arises when there is a disagreement between the parents on any subject, as far as possible, one should try to pacify and satisfy both of them. However, if it is not possible then the wish of the mother should be given precedence.

We have already seen the reasons why her rights far exceed those of the father. She is also more deserving of obedience because being a woman she is more sensitive in comparison to men. The mother is easily disturbed by the slightest hurt caused by her child. She becomes restless and uncontrollable due to her motherly feelings. In contrast, the father exercises reason and intelligence and being less emotional, is much less affected. He would realise that the son is obeying the mother because of the very special status granted to her by Allah and not because he intends to disobey his father due to disregard for him.

Permission of the Parents is Necessary

The Islamic Shariat has prescribed certain matters wherein it is necessary to obtain the permission of both the parents. Or at least of one of them. For example, the Wajib-e-Kifai acts like Jehad, or the Mustahab acts like the recommended fasts, or matters like taking an oath, vow and promises. In all such cases it is Wajib to obtain the parents' permission. The First Martyr1 had mentioned ten topics on the rights of parents in his book "Qawaid". It will be appropriate to mention them.

Journey of the Child and the Martyr's viewpoint

1) Mubah and Mustahab journey without the permission of parents is Haraam. However a business journey and the journey undertaken for acquiring knowledge is allowed according to some Mujtahids.

2) Some Jurists are of the opinion that, obedience to parents is Wajib upon the child in every condition where there exists a doubt. Hence if the parents order their son or daughter to eat with them, and if there is doubt regarding the food, it is incumbent to obey the parents. Because, obedience to parents is Wajib while avoiding food in case of doubt, is Mustahab.

3) If it is time for prayers and the parents would like to get some work done, it is necessary to carry out the orders before offering Namaz. Here again the offering of Namaz at the earliest is Mustahab whereas the obedience to parents is Wajib.

Refraining From Namaz-e-Jamat

1) Parents cannot prevent their child from performing Namaz in congregation unless it causes some problem to them. For example, the absence of the son, while he goes for Fajr or Isha prayers, may cause them anxiety regarding their own security or the safety of their property. Or, it may make them apprehensive about the son's safety.

2) If it is not absolutely obligatory (Wajib-e-Aini) the parents can stop their son from going on Jehad.

3) Regarding the commands, which are Wajib-e-Kifai, the parents can prevent their son or daughter only if there is a certainty or a chance of the Wajib being fulfilled by other people.

4) Some jurists are of the opinion that if one is praying a recommended prayer, he can interrupt it if his parents call him.

5) One must forgo recommended fasts if the father disallows them.

6) In the matter regarding vows and promises, if the parents are against it, then one must not disobey them.

7) It is the duty of the son to ensure that he causes no harm to his parents. And if someone else intends to harm them, the son must do everything in his capacity to ward off the harm.

  For Parents

As it is Wajib to fulfill the rights of the parents, it is also necessary to give them due respect and honour. Numerous traditions have been recorded from the Ahlul-bayt (a.s.)

1) One must not address the parents by their names. However, they can be addressed by their title or kunniyat.

2) One must not precede them while walking, nor should one sit down before them.

3) While having meals one should not begin before the parents. Hazrat Imam Zainul Abedeen (a.s.) did not have meals with his mother for the fear that he may pick a morsel which she intended to.

4) One must never sit with one's back to our parents in a gathering.

5) While speaking, one's voice should not rise above the voice of one's parents.

6) One should not do anything that would cause the parents to become a butt of criticism. We must not insult the parents of others, or they would insult our parents in retaliation.

7) Hazrat Sajjad (a.s.) saw a young man walking on the street with the support of his father's hand. He was much displeased and did not even speak to the boy again.
(Al Kafi)

It is the unanimous opinion of the jurists that 'Ahsan' of parents means refraining from everything that displeases them.

The following actions are considered disrespectful:
1) Not providing them with the necessities, thus compelling them to beg for them.

2) Not inviting them to a function where others have been invited.

3) Not getting presents for them from a site where one had been to, on a journey.

All the above acts are Haraam. In addition, the jurists also consider the following actions Haraam: -
1) To turn away from the parents with disdain.
2) To sit with one's back towards the parents.
3) To speak in a voice louder than the parents.
4) Walking ahead of the parents.

If any of them do not cause disrespect or displeasure, they are allowed. However, to refrain from them is 'mustahab'.

Rights of the Children Upon Their Parents

Just as it is Wajib for the children to respect, honour and fulfill the rights of their parents, it is incumbent upon the mother and the father to fulfill the rights, which the children have upon them. If the parents do not fulfill these rights, it would amount to Qate Rahmi (cutting off the relationships). Since children are the closest to parents it is a must to refrain from Qate Rahmi with them, and Qate Rahmi is a great sin, as would be described later.

Just as the children become 'Aaq-e-Waledain' by not complying with their duties, the parents also become 'Aaq' if they fail to perform their duties towards their children. Further, the parents should not impose unbearable commands upon the children such that the children are forced to find excuses for not obeying them and thus become 'Aaq'.

The parents should not ridicule their children for their actions. Rather the children must be corrected by constructive criticism. Ridicule makes the children stubborn and creates enmity between them and the parents. When the parents fail to fulfill the rights of the children, it induces the children to forsake the rights of the parents in retaliation. As a consequence, both the parents and the children are involved in a Greater Sin.

The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) said:
"The parents are liable to be 'Aaq' in the same way as the children who do not fulfill the rights of the parents become involved in the sin of 'Uqooq' (plural of Aaq)."

It is therefore a solemn duty of the parents to behave kindly with their children and give them a good training and education. They should keep them under gentle control and must not do anything that would cause them to be 'Aaq'.

For example, the parents should overlook the minor faults of the children. They should appreciate insignificant favours and show happiness and gratitude for these favours which would encourage the child to further good actions. They should make the children aware that they wish them the best and pray for their happiness in the world and the Hereafter.

We will now put forward the rights of children upon their parents, as enunciated by educated jurists and propounded in the books of Islamic Law.

Maintenance of Children

It is Wajib upon the parents to bear the expenses of the children right from the time of their birth till they become independent, and in case of a daughter, till she gets married.

Arranging the Marriage

One of the most important duties of the father is to arrange for the marriage of the son when he attains maturity. In case of the daughter too the father must strive to find a good match for her. The parents cannot restrain their daughter from matrimony. The Holy Quran states clearly:
"...then do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree among themselves in a lawful manner."
(Surah Baqarah 2:232)

Religious Education and Training

Another important duty for the parents is to give a good education to their children. The parents must strive to instruct the children with regard to the fundamentals of Islamic faith. The seriousness and significance of observing the laws of Shariat should be inculcated in the children, and no leniency must be shown if the religious laws are not strictly followed. However, the aspect of Amr bil Maroof and Nahy Anil Munkar must be kept in mind. The details regarding the same shall be explained in the chapter of Amr bil Maroof (enjoining good) and Nahy Anil Munkar (forbidding evil).

Various traditions stress upon the duty of the parents to shower their love and affection upon the children. A few of these are quoted below.

Love and Affection For the Children

The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) said:
"Be affectionate to your children and have mercy upon them. When you promise them something, fulfill your promise because the children repose hope only in the parents. When a promise is not fulfilled, it causes dissatisfaction and strains relationships. Certainly Allah is most wrathful when the women and children are disheartened."

Kissing the Children

The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) has told that when a person kisses his child, a good deed is recorded in his Nama-e-Aamal (Scroll of deeds).

Daughters Are More Deserving of Kindness

The parents have been ordered to be more kind towards the daughters. It is mustahab that when a father brings something for the children he must first offer it to the daughter; especially the one who is named Fatima.

If the children oppose the parents, they must never be abused or reviled. The curses of the parents cause an increase in the misery of the children.

Spiritual Fathers Are More Qualified For Kindness

Whatever has been mentioned till now concerns the biological parents; however the spiritual fathers or the guides of humanity are Hazrat Muhammad (s.a.w.s.) and his Purified Ahlul Bayt (a.s.). All of us are spiritually related to them. In every circumstance their followers can be enriched by virtues and get protection from calamities. The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) has informed, "I and Ali (both) are the fathers of this Ummat." The spiritual fathers are superior to the biological parents in a manner that the soul is superior to the physical body. Similarly the punishment of the 'Aaq' of the spiritual fathers is much more severe than that of the 'Aaq' of ordinary parents.

High Rewards and More Punishment

The rewards for kindness to the spiritual father is a thousand times more than kindness to the real parents. In the same way the 'Aaq' of a spiritual father is far more severely punishable, i.e., Heaven is prohibited for the person who disobeys the spiritual father, and none of his deeds are accepted even if he prays in the nights and fasts during the day. The punishment for those who do not acknowledge the Wilayat of Ahlul Bayt (a.s.) is more severe because the Ahlul Bayt (a.s.) are the real spiritual fathers. It would be wrong to consider all the Quranic verses and traditions in connection with Uqooq-e-Waledain to be restricted to biological parents. The Holy Quran and hadith are unanimous in declaring that the commands for Uqooq-e-Waledain apply equally and more stringently to the spiritual as well as biological parents. The ultimate argument in this connection is the Quranic verse wherein Allah has ordered obedience towards the parents along with His own worship.

"Be grateful to Me and both your parents."
(Surah Luqman 31:14)

"And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and goodness to your parents."
(Surah Bani Israel 17:23)

A similar reference to the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) and the Ahlul Bayt (a.s.) is to be found in the chapter of Sileh Rahem. Two traditions are reported from Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (a.s.)

The first tradition is when Umroo bin Yazid enquired about the meaning of the following Ayat of Surah Raad:
"And those who join that which Allah has bidden to be joined and have awe of their Lord and fear the evil reckoning."
(Surah Raad 13:21)

The next tradition is concerned with the tafsir of the same 'Ayat'. It says that the above Ayat has been revealed about the Sileh Rahem to Muhammad (s.a.w.s.) and the Ahlul Bayt (a.s.), the close relatives of the Momin being included in it. The tradition further says,
"And do not be of those who restrict the Ayat to some particular personalities. But whenever you hear of a verse regarding a kind of people you must consider it to be applicable to the other people of the same kind."

The Uqooq of Spiritual Fathers

The Uqooq of the spiritual fathers means to disobey their commands and to be heedless of their orders. To sever relationships with them in this world by not acknowledging their leadership. Imam Reza (a.s.) asked,
"Won't you feel bad if your parents are displeased and say that you are not their child?"

Those who were present answered, "Yes". Imam (a.s.) continued,
"The spiritual parents are superior to your biological parents. Do not give them an opportunity to say this. Rather consider yourself lucky be to their son or daughter."