Family Life In Islam

1. Introduction

A sensible and well-balanced family system is the very foundation of a happy life. Indeed, it is the root of an advancing civilization. Religion comes to take human beings closer to Allah. Therefore, it must create an atmosphere conducive to that ideal; otherwise, it cannot achieve its goal. No religion can be regarded as complete unless it has a well-defined code of family life which expressly shows the exact role and responsibility of each member of the family. The family is a closely-knit unit of human society; and this closeness creates danger of friction and conflict unless every member is told in unambiguous terms what his duties and rights are.

Islam is a comprehensive religion with guidance for every aspect of human life. In the next few lessons, you will learn about family life in Islam.

2. Extended & Nuclear Family Systems

Human family systems are normally divided into two types: Extended (or Joint) Family System and Nuclear (or Separate) Family System.

Extended Family System

In this system, all members of a clan: father, son, brother, sister, uncle, nephew, and others live together. The income of the individual is not treated as his personal property, rather it belongs to the family and the expenses of all members are met by that ‘family or collective income’. This system intends to promote togetherness, mutual trust and co-operation among the family members. However, this system also breeds the attitude of laziness and dependency among some family members, and, as a result, it also kills the initiative to work harder among some others. (The Hindu society is based on the extended family system.)

Nuclear Family System:

In this system, everybody is responsible for his own immediate dependants only. His income belongs to him and not to the ‘family’. This system lacks the disadvantages of the Extended Family System but it also breeds self-centeredness and selfishness.

3. The Islamic View

What does Islam prefer? The family system advanced by Islam has combined the advantages of both systems mentioned above and has avoided their disadvantages.

On the one hand, Islam endorses the set-up of the nuclear (or separate) family system since it has clearly defined the people for whom you must provide. On the other hand, it has strongly emphasized on the issue of silatu 'r-rahm (keeping the bond of relationship intact) thus promoting the virtue of helping the relatives.

In Islam, a family can take the following two shapes:

· a couple and their children.

· a couple, their parents and their children.

This definition is based on the law which defines the persons whose maintenance is your obligation: your wife, your parents, and your children. These people are your dependents, it is obligatory upon you to provide for them. Imam Ja`far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said:

“The ways of spending one's wealth are twenty-four in all...Thus, the five ways in which spending wealth is obligatory (wajib) are the expenses of the maintenance of one's children, father, mother, wife and slave. These expenses are obligatory upon him whether he is financially in constrain or affluent.”

As for your cousins, uncles and aunts, they are your “relatives” but not your “dependents”. That is, it is not obligatory upon you to provide for your relatives. However, in Islam, it is importance to have good relations with your relatives, and to love, respect and help them. Imam as-Sadiq further says: “And the five strongly recommended expenses are: dedication of perpetual gift, doing good to one's relatives, doing good to other believers, recommended charity and emancipation of slaves.”

Both aspects of this Islamic view are clear from verse 24:61.

There is no blame upon...you if you eat (without permission) in your own houses, the houses of your fathers, the houses of your mothers, the houses of your brothers, the houses of your sisters, the houses of your paternal uncles, the houses of your paternal aunts, the houses of your maternal uncles, the houses of your maternal aunts, the house which is in your trust, and the house of your friend.

The verse, on the one hand, clearly mentions separate houses for fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, uncles and other relatives thus implying that one should not put the burden of his dependants even on one's parents or other family-members forever; one must be self-reliant and self-supporting.

On the other hand, to promote unity, love, friendship, and also to be aware of each other's situation, the verse allows you to go and eat at the houses of your extended family members without prior permission.

4. Examples in History

We also find many examples in the lives of the Holy Prophet and his Ahlu 'l-bayt which prove that they had lived separately from their extended family-members.

There was a famine in Mecca in 35 `Āmul Fil (i.e., 35 years after the birth of the Prophet). Abu Talib, the Prophet's uncle, had many children and his means of livelihood were limited at that time. The Holy Prophet, who himself had been raised by Abu Talib, felt that his uncle was facing financial difficulties. He, therefore, suggested to his other uncle `Abbas (who was wealthy at that time) to help Abu Talib. `Abbas went with the Prophet to Abu Talib. After some discussion, they decided to share the expenses of Abu Talib's sons: ‘Ali should live with the Prophet, Ja`far with `Abbas, and `Aqil was to remain with Abu Talib.

This shows that the house of the Prophet was separate from that of Abu Talib. This was so, in spite of the close relationship between Abu Talib and Prophet Muhammad. This event also gives an example of silatu 'r-rahm.

During the last Ramadhan of his life, Imam ‘Ali used to break his fast one day at the house of Imam Hasan, next day at the house of Imam Husayn, and the third day at the house of his son-in-law, `Abdullah bin Ja`far. This shows two things: our Imams had separate houses with their own family but, at the same time, they fulfilled the duty of silatu 'r-rahm.

These two examples are sufficient to guide Muslims in their daily life. If any Muslim ventures to deviate from this straight path, he will no longer remain on the path of Islam. It is only by following this Islamic code that mankind can obtain peace of mind in this life and everlasting happiness in the life hereafter.

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1. Children’s Status & Rights

Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala, has made the parents' heart as the source of love for their children. The love for children has been `legislated' by Allah in the very nature of parenthood. It is normal for a parent to love his or her child; it is abnormal for a parent not to love his or her child. This is the natural law as well as the religious law.

Islam has provided some wonderful guidelines for the parents in order to bring up their children —from birth to age 21— in the proper Islamic manner. The Prophet said to Imam ‘Ali: “O ‘Ali, there are as many rights of children incumbent upon parents as there are rights of parents incumbent upon children.”

2. Some Basic Rights

The rights of children upon their parents can be summarized under the following six items:

THE RIGHT TO LIVE: No parent has the right to abort the child or to kill the child after birth for any reason whatsoever. For example, the Qur'ān has strongly condemned those who kill their children for fear of poverty. Allah says: “Do not kill your children because of (fear of) poverty—We will provide for you and them.” (6:152) The Prophet said, “Whoever refrains from marriage because of fear of poverty, he has indeed thought badly of God.”

THE RIGHT TO BELONG TO A FAMILY: No parent can disown his or her child, or deprive the child from the family name.

THE RIGHT TO HAVE A GOOD NAME: Imam ‘Ali says: “The first beneficence of a parent towards his child is to give him a good name; therefore, you should name your child with a good name.” A child hears his name day and night; and it is reasonable to believe that the meaning of that name subconsciously strengthens those characteristics which are implied in that name. What is emphasized here is the fact that a name has a psychological effect on the person, provided it is not counter-manded by rearing or society.

A bad name has one more tangible evil effect. Whenever that name is announced, the person will feel embarrassment and the name will become a source of constant irritation, affecting his outlook on society. Hence the emphasis in ahādith on giving good names to children.

The Prophet used to emphasize this aspect of life so much that Imam as-Sadiq said, “The Prophet used to change the bad names of people and places.”

THE RIGHT OF MAINTENANCE: It is a child's right to be provided by the parents with the necessities of life: food, dress, shelter, furniture, and whatever a person normally needs to live a respectable life.

THE RIGHT TO HAVE BASIC EDUCATION: It is the right of a child to receive basic secular as well as religious education.

THE RIGHT TO BE BROUGHT UP ACCORDING TO ISLAM: It is the right of the child to be brought up in a home environment which is Islamic.

3. Three Stages of Life

Islam has divided the upbringing of a child into three stages from birth to age 21. The division is based on the following hadith of the Prophet (s.a.w.): “The child is the master for seven years; and a slave for seven years and a vizier for seven years; so if he grows into a good character within 21 years, well and good; otherwise leave him alone because you have discharged your responsibility before Allah.”

The same hadith has been explained by Imam Ja`far as-Sadiq (a.s.): “Let your child play upto seven years; and keep him with you (for education and training) for another seven years; then if he succeeds (well and good); otherwise, there is no good in him.”

The First Stage: from birth to age seven

As the first stage is a care-free period, the child is to be considered as “master” of the parents. The Prophet said, “The child is the master for seven years.” This is the age of being a child and playing; he or she is not yet fully ready for education through formal instruction.

What has been said above, however, does not mean that a child cannot grasp or understand anything; not at all. The child is constantly influenced by the atmosphere in which he lives; he/she learns by observation and imitation; therefore, it is absolutely necessary for the parents to provide good examples by their own behaviour. The Prophet said, “Respect your children and teach them good behaviour, Allah will forgive (your sins).”

Although the child is not ready for formal instructions, our Imams have emphasized that religious issues —very basic and simple— should be introduced to them gradually. “Graduality” is the most important point to remember at this stage of life. The following hadith narrated by `Abdullah ibn Fazl from the fifth or sixth Imam is very significant to understand what is meant by gradually:

“When the child reaches 3 years of age, teach him seven times to recite la ilaha il-lal lāh.

Then leave him at that till he is 3 years, 7 months and 20 days old; then train him to say Muhammadun rasu-lul lāh.

Then leave him at that till he completes 4 years, then teach him seven times to say sal-lal lāhu `ala Muhammadin wa āli Muhammad.

Then leave him at that till he reaches the age of 5 years; then see if he can distinguish between the right and the left hand. When he knows the difference, then make him face qiblah and tell him to do sajdah.

This is to continue till he is 6 years of age. Then he should be told to pray and taught ruku` and sajdah.

When he completes 7 years, then he should be asked to wash his face and hands, and then told to pray.

This will continue till he reaches the age of 9 years, when he should be taught proper ritual ablution for prayer and proper salāt.

When he learns proper wudu and salāt, Allah forgives the sins of his parents.”

The Second Stage: from age eight to fourteen.

The Prophet said, “The child is...a slave for [the next] seven years.” Since this is the age when the child's mind can grasp logical reasoning and is developed for formal education—it is very important that the child not only be educated but, at the same time, he or she should be raised with proper Islamic ethics. By saying that the child is a “slave” from eight to fourteen, the Prophet wants to emphasize that at this age the parents should be strict in disciplining their children. A child is a “slave” in the sense that he has to follow the instructions of parents and teachers.

In the sayings of the Prophet (s.a.w.) and the Imams of Ahlu 'l-byat (a.s.), three things have been emphasized for the male children in the second stage of upbringing: 1. literacy for secular knowledge; 2. religious knowledge and 3. physical education and martial arts. For example, the Prophet (s.a.w.) said, “It is the right of the male child on his father to...teach him the Book of Allah...and riding and swimming.” Imam Ja`far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, “It is the duty of the father to teach his son writing.”

Religious education is very crucial at this stage so that the child's religious beliefs are based on sound reasoning and firm foundation. Imam Ja`far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, “Make haste in teaching your youngsters hadith before they are approached by murji`ite (a misguided sect).”

Literacy, and seeking of secular and religious knowledge has been equally emphasized for the girls in our ahadith. However, instead of physical education, the ahadith talk about those specific subjects which would help the girls in becoming good wives and educated mothers. The destiny of the future generations of the ummah, after all, depends on the mothers who are learned, informed, and aware of their role in establishing a society which is always conscious of Allah's presence.

The Third Stage: from age fifteen to twenty-one.

The Prophet described this stage of upbringing as follows: “The child...is an adviser for [the next] seven years.” At the age of fourteen, fifteen and up, a Muslim child is expected to have become a responsible teenager. Therefore, the Prophet says that the parents should now treat him or her more like a ‘friend’ than a ‘slave’.

At this stage, the parents should guide and help their teenage child in make correct decisions for themselves. In mid- and late-teens, the child has to start the specific training or education for the career that he intends to pursue so that he may soon stand on his own feet. It is also the time when the child is nearing the age of marriage.

Islam has strongly emphasized that the parents should get their daughters married at an early age when they have acquired mental maturity—their higher education can continue even after marriage but marriage should not be postponed for the sake of anything else. The condition of mental maturity cannot be measured by age or time. The same emphasis goes for male children.

At the age of twentyone, the parents’ responsibility towards their children comes to an end. If anyone brings up his children based on Islamic values, that child surely will be the apple of the parents' eyes and the delight of their hearts; and it is this child who, in his turn, may be hoped to fulfil his obligations towards his parents.

The Prophet said, “A virtuous child is a flower from the flowers of Paradise.” He also said, “Among the good fortunes of a man is the virtuous child.”

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This lesson is based on `Allamah Sayyid Saeed Akhtar Rizvi's

The Family Life of Isam (Revised Edition, 1980)

with additions and modifications made for this course.

Question Paper on Lesson 34

Question 1: [10 points]

True or False:

(a) The Prophet said, “The child is the master for [the first] seven years.”

(b) A bad name has no tangible effect on the child.

(d) During the first seven years, a child learns through observation and imitation of the people around him.

(e) Literacy and basic education are necessary for both the boys and the girls.

Question 2: [20 points]

List the six basic rights of children upon their parents.

Question 3: [20 points]

Briefly describe the three stages of upbringing as outlined in the hadith of the Prophet of Islam (s.a.w.).

1. Children’s Status & Rights

2. Some Basic Rights

The rights of children upon their parents can be summarized under the following six items:

THE RIGHT TO BELONG TO A FAMILY: No parent can disown his or her child, or deprive the child from the family name.

The Prophet used to emphasize this aspect of life so much that Imam as-Sadiq said, “The Prophet used to change the bad names of people and places.”

THE RIGHT TO HAVE BASIC EDUCATION: It is the right of a child to receive basic secular as well as religious education.

THE RIGHT TO BE BROUGHT UP ACCORDING TO ISLAM: It is the right of the child to be brought up in a home environment which is Islamic.

3. Three Stages of Life

The First Stage: from birth to age seven

“When the child reaches 3 years of age, teach him seven times to recite la ilaha il-lal lāh.

Then leave him at that till he is 3 years, 7 months and 20 days old; then train him to say Muhammadun rasu-lul lāh.

Then leave him at that till he completes 4 years, then teach him seven times to say sal-lal lāhu `ala Muhammadin wa āli Muhammad.

This is to continue till he is 6 years of age. Then he should be told to pray and taught ruku` and sajdah.

When he completes 7 years, then he should be asked to wash his face and hands, and then told to pray.

This will continue till he reaches the age of 9 years, when he should be taught proper ritual ablution for prayer and proper salāt.

When he learns proper wudu and salāt, Allah forgives the sins of his parents.”

The Second Stage: from age eight to fourteen.

The Third Stage: from age fifteen to twenty-one.

The Prophet said, “A virtuous child is a flower from the flowers of Paradise.” He also said, “Among the good fortunes of a man is the virtuous child.”

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1. Parents’ Status

(A) Father

In the Islamic family system, the father is considered as the head of the family. Whenever some people form a group, they must also have a leader. For example, a soccer team needs a captain who would make sure each player follows their plan properly; a school needs a principal; a government needs a ruler. “Family” is a group of people; and, therefore, it also needs a leader whom we call as “the head of the family”.

As the head of the family, it is the father's responsibility to provide the necessities of life for his dependants: his children, his wife (and elderly parents, if they are needy).

What are the necessities of life? Food, dress, shelter, furniture, and whatever a person normally needs to live a respectable life.

The rights which a father has over his children are of three types:

· Spiritual & Emotional: to love one's father, and to deal with him in a humble, kind and merciful manner.

· Physical: to cheerfully bear any hardship you may face in taking care of him; to talk gently to him; not to raise your voice or hands above his; and not to precede him in any way.

· Financial: to fulfill his needs before he asks you for it.

Imam Zaynu 'l-`Abidin (a.s.) said: “It is the right of your father to realize that he is your root and you are his branch; and that without him you would have been non-existent. Therefore, whenever you find in yourself anything that is likeable, remember that your father is the basic means of that gift [of Allah] to you. And be thankful to Allah and grateful to your father accordingly.”

(B) Mother

In Islam, the mother is a substitute head of the family. In many Muslim societies, the father works outside the house, whereas the mother is in charge inside the house.

As mentioned earlier, it is the father's duty to provide the necessities of life for the children. If the father is dead, then it is the duty of the grandfather to provide for his grandchildren. Only when both, the father and the grandfather, are dead the duty of providing the necessities of life for the children fall upon the mother.

A mother's basic duty towards her children is to love, nurture and train them as best as she can so that they may grow up as healthy and good Muslims. That is why it is said that, “Paradise is at the feet of the mothers.”

The three types of rights mentioned for the father, equally apply for the mother also. Rather in some ways, the rights of mothers are superior to that of fathers.

Hakim bin Hizam asked the Prophet, “O Messenger of God, to whom should I do good?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” Hakim asked, “And then who?” The Prophet again said, “Your mother.” Hakim asked the saem question for the third time, and the Prophet again answered that “Your mother.” When Hakim asked the fourth time, only then did the Prophet say, “Your father.”

Why is so much importance given to the rights of mothers? Imam Zaynu 'l-`Abidin (a.s.) says:

“It is the right of your mother that you should appreciate that she carried you [in her womb] as nobody carries anybody, fed you the fruits of her heart which nobody feeds anybody, protected you [during pregnancy] with her ears, eyes, hands, legs, hair, limbs, [in short] with her whole being, gladly, cheerfully and carefully. She patiently suffered all the worries, pains, difficulties and sorrows, till the hands of God removed you from her and brought you to this world. Then she was most happy feeding you forgetting her own hunger; clothing you, even if she herself had no clothes; giving you milk and water, not caring for her own thrist; keeping you in the shade, even if she had to suffer from the heat of the sun; giving you every comfort with her own hardships; lulling you to sleep while keeping herself awake...Therefore, you must remain thankful to her accordingly, and you cannot do so except by the help from Allah.”

2. Parents’ Rights in the Qur’ān

As the children step into adulthood, parents proceed towards old age. The children, in their childhood, need the protection of their parents; and the parents, in their old age, need the kindness of their children. Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala, says:

“If We grant long life to any, We cause him to be reversed in nature (i.e., from strength to weakness).” (36:68)

The three types of parents' rights mentioned earlier are based on the following verses of the Qur'ān:

Your Lord has decreed that you should worship no one but Him and that you should • be kind to your parents; • and if one or both of them attain old age in your life [and become angry with you for some reason], then do not even say to them ‘Oh’ [in contempt], nor should you repel them. Instead, you should address them in respectful manner. • And out of kindness, behave with them humbly. • And [pray for them by] saying ‘My Lord! bestow upon them Your mercy just as they cherished me in childhood.’ (17:23-24)

In many verses, the Qur'ān has combined the kindness towards the parents side by side with the worship of Allah. “Worship Allah and join not any partner with Him and do good to parents...” (4:36)In verse 17:231, it says: “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you should be kind to parents...”

Obedience to the parents is a mirror of obedience to Allah. For example, in verse 31:14-15, Allah says: “And We enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents...Show gratitude to Me and to your parents. To Me is your return. And if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them; yet bear them company in this life with fairness and consideration.” The last sentence means that you should be kind to your parents even if they are non-Muslims; however, you should not obey them if they ask you to do anything against the teachings of Islam.

We find that the Qur'ān and hadith has emphasized more on the rights of the parents than the rights of the children. Why?

The fact is that the parent's heart is the fountainhead of the love for the child; this affection becomes the life-blood of the parents. The Qur'an has alluded to this instinctive parental love in several places. On the other hand, children especially when they are no longer in need of parental care, do not feel so much love for the parents. We are not speaking about respect. Here the talk is about instinctive love; and experience is a reliable witness to confirm this observation. Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala, says: “Your parents and your children, you know not which of them are nearest to you in benefit.” (4:11)

It is a known fact that signposts are not needed on a road going straight; but at a crossroads where several routes branch out, one cannot expect to get onto the right path without a guide or a sign-post. It is for this reason that Islam does not emphasize in so many words those aspects of life which are taken care of by human nature itself. It is where the hold of natural instinct is loosened that Islam extends its helping hand and leads man onto the right path by telling him what he is expected to do. It is for this reason that Islam did not emphasize the rights of children so forcefully; but full emphasis was given to the rights of the parents.

3. Importance of Silatu ’r-Rahm

The importance of silatu 'r-rahm can be seen from the following verses of the Qur'an and the ahādith of the Prophet and his Ahlu 'l-bayt.

The Positive Aspect

Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala, says: Say to them: “Whatever of good (wealth) you spend, it is for your parents, the near relatives, the orphans, the poor and the estranded traveller.” The primary recipients of your charity should be your parents and your relatives if they are needy.

The Prophet (s.a.w.) said, “Some people go on an evil path and commit sins, but they behave gently with their relatives. Because of their silatu 'r-rahm, their wealth is increased and their lives are prolonged. How much more would have been their reward if they had been good people?” Imam ‘Ali (a.s.) said, “The reward of charity is increased ten times; and the reward of lending is increased eighteen times; and the reward of doing good to a believer is increased twenty times; and the reward of doing good to a relative is increased twenty four times.”

Imam Husayn (a.s.): “Anyone who desires to prolong his life and his livelihood, then he should have strong ties with his relatives.” There are many other ahadith on silatu 'r-rahm. The rewards of silatu 'r-rahm in this world can be summarized as follows:

· prolonging of life;

· increase in livelihood;

· prosperity in family and home;

· last moments of death will be eased.

The Negative Aspect

Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala, says: “Those who break their covenant with God...those who sever the relationship which Allah has ordered to be joined, and those who do mischief on the earth—they are the (real) losers.” (2:27) In another verse, after describing the same acts, He says: “...on them shall be the curse, and they shall have a terrible home (in the hereafter).” (13:25)

On the basis of these verses, severing the ties with one's relatives is counted among the major sins in Islam.

Imam ‘Ali (a.s.) said, “I seek protection of Allah from the sins which hasten death.” Someone asked, “O' Amir al-mu'minin, is there any sin which hastens death?” The Imam said, “Yes; and this is the severance of relationship. Indeed, when the members of a family remain united and help each other, then Allah gives them livelihood, even if they be drinkers of liquor. And, indeed, when members of a family separate from each other and sever relationship with one another, then Allah deprives them (of their livelihood) even if they are pious.”

The Methods of Silatu 'r-Rahm

How should we do silatu 'r-rahm? Silatu 'r-rahm, as mentioned earlier, means keeping strong ties with one's relatives. There is no one way of doing silatu 'r-rahm. For example, in one hadith, the Prophet said, “Do silatu 'r-rahm even if it is by saying salām.” Silatu 'r-rahm can take different forms: • not giving any trouble to one's relatives; • dealing with relatives on the basis of love and Islamic ethics; • participating in ones’ relatives' sorrow and joy; • helping them financially.

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source : Islam: Faith, Practice & History /by Sayyid Muhammad Rizvi

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