The Prophet (Pbuh) said: I recommend you to have good morality, since verily this will take you to heaven, and you should not be foul tempered since that will undoubtedly take you to Hell. [Vasa'il, v.16, p.29, Al-i-Bayt Press]
The Value of Good Morality
It is necessary for parents to consider a few things which are repeatedly stressed in the Holy Quran for the sake of themselves and their children. It is not difficult to have good morals and avoid evil acts. It is easy to put morals into action and avoid unethical acts in a short period of time. This will not only ease our progress on the highway towards God, but it will also strengthen our marriage; increase our mutual love; and serve as a lesson for others, especially our children. Mutual adherence to morals will create an atmosphere of love and affection; peace and security; and health and purity and will make all aspects of our life delightful. In several verses, the Holy Quran has praised the noble Prophet for being good-tempered and adhering to this attribute.
It is part of the Mercy of God that thou dost deal gently with them. Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: [Holy Quran: Al-i-Imran 3:159]
And thou (standest) on an exalted standard of character. [Holy Quran: Qalam 68:4]
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Islam means being good-tempered. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.3, pp.137-138]
Imam Mujtaba (Pbuh) said: The best goodness is a good temper. [Ibid]
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Good temper is accompanied by the good of this world and the Hereafter. [Ibid]
Imam Ali (Pbuh) said: A good temper is at the head of all goodness. [Ibid]
The sixth Imam (Pbuh) said: There is not a better life than that of the one with a good temper. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.71, pp.388-389]
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: God will raise the position of the one who is good-tempered to that of the one who fasts and stays up at night standing in prayer. [Ibid]
He also said: The first thing that is counted on the Day of Judgment is one's good temper. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.71, p.385]
He also said: The one dearest and closest to me amongst you in the Hereafter is the one with the best temper, and the humblest. [Ibid]
The Prophet (Pbuh) told the Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh): Shall I inform you of your closest trait to me? He answered yes. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: The one with the best temper, the one who is the most persevering, the one who helps his relatives the most, and the one who is most fair to others regarding himself. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.77, p.58]
Nobility and a good temper are so valuable that the noble Prophet of Islam (Pbuh) has declared it to be the reason for his appointment to the Prophethood. It is certain that I was appointed to perfect your good temper, and nothing else. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.3, p.149]
I was appointed to perfect your good temper. [Ibid]
Being good-tempered and having good morals are rays of God’s attributes, the way of the Prophets and the Immaculate Imams and the cause of goodness and blessings for the one with these attributes.
A bad temper and foul behavior are satanic and are the causes of disruption of life, insecurity, separation, and hatred of people; and will ruin the life here and in the Hereafter. I will refer to several points which should be adhered to by any couple in order to strengthen their relationship, and continue their love and affection. I hope that God the Almighty will adorn us all with a good temper and morals and help us avoid bad morals.
Love and its Expression
God has established love in our hearts as husbands or wives and recognizes this to be one of the signs of His Existence. This fact is a manifestation of the importance and extent of love and especially the love and affection of man towards a woman.
And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. [Holy Quran: Rum 30:21]
This love and affection blossoms early in marriage and even before the religious wedding ceremony, and it grows until it reaches its final extent. It is the responsibility of both partners in marriage to maintain this given blessing and this excellent spiritual state of love which is the main cause of happiness and pleasure in life. This can be done by mutual support, being good-tempered, forgiving, cooperation, reasonable expectations, mutual respect, avoiding arguments and fights. The couple should avoid what might harm their loving relationship. They should know that any attempt to maintain a loving relationship is considered to be worship and any act that might hurt the foundation of love is undoubtedly a sin and deserves God's punishment, and also causes grief and hurt in this life. Regarding those who have the power to attract others’ affection, Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: May God bless those who can attract people's affection. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.2, p.205]
If there is no intellectual or religious legitimate reasons, converting love and affection into hatred, grudges and animosity is considered to be ungrateful for God's blessings. On the other hand, maintaining a loving relationship and extending love to others is a cause of happiness in this world and the Hereafter.
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: Woe to those who are ungrateful for God's blessings, and blessed and prosperous be those who love each other for God. [Vasa'il, v.16, p.171, Al-i-Bayt Press]
The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said: Regarding love and affection, the best of you are those who are the ones who strive to be the first to be kind to others. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.2, p.210]
Man is instructed to be affectionate to all the people who deserve his kindness, love and affection. Thus, our spouses and children who are even much closer to us require our love and affection. It has been written in a Qudsi Tradition: The creatures are my spouse. The dearest one to me is the one who is kindest to my creatures, and one who exerts the most effort to satisfy their needs. [Usul al-Kafi, v.2, p.199]
Based on what was said, the love of a man for a woman and the love of a woman for a man is one of the signs of God which is placed in the heart. It is one of the especial signs of God's existence, and one of His Especial Blessings. This love is the best reason for the establishment of a healthy mutual life, and its continuation. It is the cause of happiness and pleasure in life. That is why it is necessary to maintain and try to strengthen it and avoid actions which might harm it. Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: Love of women is one of the Prophets’ characteristics. [Vasa'il, v.20, pp.22-23, Al-i-Bayt Press]
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Prayer is the apple of my eyes, women are my pleasure in life, and my scented flowers are Hassan and Husayn. [Ibid]
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said that there is nothing more enjoyable than women in this world and the Hereafter. God has said:
And among His signs is this, that he created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. [Holy Quran, Rum 30:21]
Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: women and sons; [Holy Quran: Al-i-Imran 3:14]
The Prophet of Islam (Pbuh) said: The inhabitants of Heaven enjoy nothing more than marriage: even more than foods and drinks. [Vasa'il, v.20, pp.23-24]
The Prophet of Islam (Pbuh) said: When a man expressses his love to his wife, it will never be removed from her heart. [Ibid]
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: The stronger will a woman’s faith become, the more she is loved by her husband. [Ibid]
It must be noticed that love of one's wife should not become too excessive, since this will also prevent a man from walking on the right path and doing good deeds. One should especially be careful that his wife does not try to rule over him through her love, and force her excess wants upon him. A man's love and affection for his wife or anything else should be subject to his belief in God and the Day of Judgment, and it should not prevent him from his progress towards perfection and doing good deeds. If the love for women should become a bedrock for sin and wastefulness, or jealousy and greed, or abstaining from doing obligatory religious acts, then this kind of love- accompanied by a satanic state is far away from God's pleasure and satisfaction.
Lowering Expectations
Each man and woman has his/her own physical and spiritual strength which can only be realized after some time of natural, and moral encounters. A husband and wife get to know each other's physical and spiritual status and get to understand one another after a while. They must realize that God has considered two very important facts when He ordained duties upon man. Firstly, He has not required us to do what is beyond our capabilities. Secondly, He has made our moral and religious responsibilities based on our ability not our power. Most researchers believe that our responsibility is much less than our capability. This is only due to God's kindness and mercy upon His servants. He has referred to this fact in verses 233 and 286 of Chapter Baqara, verse 152 of Chapter An'am and verse 42 of Chapter A'raf and verse 62 of Chapter Mo'minun in the Holy Quran.
No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear.
On no soul doth God place a burden greater than it can bear.
For this reason, both men and women must consider this noble and kind characteristic of God in their expectations of one another. Firstly, they should not ask for anything beyond the other person's power, whether material or spiritual. This is because forcing such an unreasonable want upon the other party is considered to be oppressive, and it darkens the spirit and results in divine retribution. Secondly, they should not consider the other side’s power in their expectations, rather they should reduce their wants and expectations to within their own limits. They should serve each other by performing their own duties, and invite each other to do so pleasantly. They should and can reduce their expectations of each other, since this is one of the characteristics of the Prophets and Imams.
Having excessive expectations is sometimes the same as asking the other one do what is beyond his/her power. Undoubtedly, when this want is not fulfilled, there will be bad feeling and even hatred, and this will end up in the destruction of the foundation of mutual love. Excessive expectations are a result of having a bad character, pride and haughtiness. It is a sort of mental and psychological illness. Reduced expectations however result from politeness, nobility, knowledge and humbleness. If you want your life to be sweeter than honey, and never run into any quarrels, then reduce your expectations in all aspects of life. Your spouse will then not become hurt or belittled by you. These bad feelings will also not carry over to others. God will then be pleased with you.
Anyway, both husband and wife should be good-tempered and a source of love and happiness. They should take it easy on each other. This is one of the elements of what is known as "the good way". Those who follow this way are cleansed of moral and spiritual vice, are favored by God and deserve receiving beautiful rewards. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: The good way and those who follow it will first enter Heaven and sit by me beside the Kawsar pond. [Vasa'il, v.16, p.303, Al-i-Bayt Press]
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: There is a gate to Heaven called the Good, and no one but those who follow the good way shall enter through that gate, and those who follow the good way in this world, shall also be followers of that way in the Hereafter. [Vasa'il, v.16, pp.304-305]
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Any good deed is charity. [Ibid]
The Holy Quran has declared a ten-fold reward for any good deed.
He that doeth good shall have ten times as much to his credit: [Holy Quran: An'am 8:160]
Lowering expectations is a form of doing good, is one of the good spiritual deeds, and is one of the forms of Islamic charity. It has a ten-fold reward. Why shouldn't a couple take part in this profitable business? Why shouldn't they benefit from this divine fact throughout their lifetime? Remember that forbidding oneself the Mercy and Favor of God is a great sin and a tremendous oppression which cannot be compensated for.
Forgiving
A couple may at times mistreat one another. The wife may make a mistake in her household duties, or in raising the children, or pleasing her husband. The husband too may make mistakes in running the affairs of the family, or in making a judgment about his wife. Such mistakes are forgivable from either side. It is exactly in such situations when forgiving makes sense: There is no need to forgive if all systems go. It is morally incumbent upon both husband and wife to forgive each other. In such cases haughtiness, selfishness and disrespecting the other party, and not following God and the Prophets' orders is improper, and even in some cases it is forbidden and deserves divine punishment. As the Quran states forgiving is loved by God:
And pardon (all) men; for God loves those who do good; [Holy Quran: Al-i-Imran 3:134]
It is so important that the Quran has declared the reward of those who forgive to be due from God.
But if a person forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from God: [Holy Quran: Shura 62:40]
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: There are three noble acts in this world and the Hereafter: Forgiving one who has oppressed you. Going to visit one who has cut off his relations with you, and acting with patience with one who has treated you with ignorance. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.71, p.400]
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Truly God is Forgiving and loves those who forgive. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.6, p.367]He also said: God will forgive one who forgives a Muslim. [Ibid]
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: We are members of a household with our manhood being forgiving those who oppress us. [Ibid]
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Forgive the people, and God shall repel the Fire of Hell from you. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.6, pp.368-370]
The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said: The worst trait for one is to be unforgiving, and one of the greatest sins is rushing to take revenge. [Ibid]
He also said: The worst of the people are those who do not forgive and do not cover up other people's mistakes. [Ibid]
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: One must forgive without blaming, penalizing, and force. [Ibid]
Based upon the traditions and the verses of the Holy Quran, forgiving is loved by God; the reward of one who forgives is considered to be one of the nobility of this world and the Hereafter, and is a means of freedom from the Fire of Hell, and is a means of being similar to the members of the Household of the Prophet.
Not forgiving someone is a sign of illness, a spiritual defect and a sign of our soul's wickedness.
Why shouldn't a couple forgive each other's mistakes? Why shouldn't they be loved by God and benefit from divine rewards? Why shouldn't they be considered a source of nobility in this world and the Hereafter? Why shouldn't they be similar to the Immaculate Imams? All these are by-products of a spiritual and divine deal. It is not wise to lose this deal, and it is very easy to be gained. If a couple try this method for a few times, then they will soon become adorned with this divine characteristic after a short time of practicing forgiving.
Refrence: The Islamic structure of family, By Professor Hossein Ansarian
source : The Islamic structure of family, By Professor Hossein Ansarian
