Islam and the Family

While the warp of society is the individual person and the woof is social order, the unit of the design is the family. Families in which mutual understanding, sincerity and tenderness reign, form details of a harmonious pattern. But a family in confusion and disarray distorts and mars the pattern.

The instinct for survival is innate in human beings. Producing children is the expression of one urge of this instinct, for a child seems like an extension of one's own personality, and a guarantee of the continuance of the same life-force. The primary origin of the urge to found families is sought by many thinkers in this instinct for survival.

The need to feed and support a family incites a man to industrial productivity.
Other thinkers hold that the primary urge towards family-founding was merely the sex instinct; others favour the gregarious instinct; others regard wedlock as a mere commercial transaction between families entered into for the profit of both.
In fact, communal living in society requires families as its units of construction. To degrade the pure love between husband and wife merely to sex, profit or protection, is to deny human nature at its highest.
Some say that, since in the inchoate days of human living the woman as a weaker being could not exist except under a man's protection, family life is merely a feminine institution imposed on man. This is manifest nonsense: for it ignores a man's need of woman, which may be different from woman's need of man, but is just as deeply and inextricably a part of his nature. True, man has to be the breadwinner in most cases. But he needs his mate as a partner in happiness, in joy and in sound living. In marriage is the end of loneliness. Each sex needs the other. This is why " He made them male and female ."

God implanted the sex instinct. God created sex differences. He created the survival instinct, the security instinct and the society instinct of gregariousness. All these were part of His providence in preparing mankind to be His joyful family Sociologists give each instinct its due weight in the scheme. They say that the exact role of each instinct varies with the changes in social structure. In primitive society the need to find food and housing is of primary importance. In the ancient agricultural community the need for children became paramount since many hands make light work. Today the sex urge has come very much to the fore, since humanity has devised means to achieve adequate food, satisfactory housing and machines to do the work. But over and above the instincts, the urge to love and the need to be loved are amongst the highest attributes of human nature.

Islam answers the call of nature affirmatively, with its insistence on the family as the best safeguard of public virtue, and its asseveration that it is the only right and legitimate way. It is written in the Sura XVI: Nahl-

"The Bee" verse 72: "God has made mates for you of your own nature and made for you of them children and grandchildren and posterity, and provided for you sustenance of the best. Are they then going to believe in vain things and not be grateful for God's favours?"

Islam sets out to protect young people from being led astray by the strength of the God-implanted sexual urge in the years before their character and conscience have matured and their will is governed by discretion. That is why it lays on parents the responsibility of I admonishing youth, and of imparting rules of. life and guidelines of prudence which will lead to godliness and the natural use of the power of procreation. It also holds parents responsible for arranging early I marriages for those who are mature enough to wed. Young people not yet I economically capable of supporting a family may find the thrust of the sex urge so strong that, without the guiding hand of their parents on the 1 reins, the horses of nature may run away with them and carry them into danger or into the trap of illicit sex. Parents must steer the life-force into I its God-given legitimate channels where peace of mind and calm of conscience accompany the happiness of a shared life.

The Prophet is reported to have preached thus from the pulpit of the mosque: "O Muslim community! Your daughters are like ripe fruit on a tree. Fruit must be picked at its optimum moment; otherwise the sun or other agencies will rot or spoil it. You must likewise give your daughters in marriage at the moment when they are ripe, and neither later nor sooner. If you leave them hanging about too long, their inevitable , corruption will be your fault. They are human, and their human needs must be met."

Ali bin Asbat wrote a reply to a letter which he had received from the 5th Imam, thus: "I find no young men who are suitable and fitted to be husbands for my daughters. What then is my duty?" In answer the Imam wrote: "Do not wait until you find young men who are exactly to your liking in all respects. For our Holy Prophet said: 'If you do not find young people to wed your daughters who correspond with your personal desires, have regard only to their character, especially their morals and their religion, and let the qualifications you require in husbands for your daughters be faith and morals alone, since with these a young man makes a satisfactory husband; and if you choose someone without these qualifications you are personally responsible for misleading and perverting your young people."

Thus Islam not only does not put obstacles in the way of matrimony, but turns this force of nature to the advantage of society and of the individual for his physical wellbeing, mental health, calm of spirit and contentment of heart. Islam regards marriage as a sacred union of hearts, a source of serenity and security for both partners. To fulfil this function it needs the qualities of purity, loving-kindness, humanity, gentleness, goodness and faith in the depths of the heart. As it is written in Sura XXX:

"Rome" verse 21: " Amongst God's signs for you is this, that He created mates for you from among yourselves for you to dwell with in tranquillity. It is He who put love and compassion between you. Verily in these are signs for those who reflect."

Islam lays down clear rules to govern the relationships within the family. Sura IV Nisa'a -
"The Women" calls marriage "the firm bond" and is concerned throughout the first 42 verses with the practical details of the contract of marriage and its fulfillment.

The sense of belonging together is nourished. Fairness governs the share each partner gives and takes in the compact. Each gives according to their ability and each takes according to their need. As Sura 11: Baqara -"The Heifer" affirms in verse 228

: "Wife and husband, women and men, have reciprocal and commensurable rights according to what is equitable."

Islam pays the closest and most meticulous attention to the capacities of each sex with regard to their occupation, profession and work. The man has the duty of being the breadwinner and providing for material needs and the production of things. The woman is the housekeeper with the duty of providing for the family's needs and for the production of new people, for nursing the new generation and caring for the upbringing of posterity. Islam recognises the natural consequences of the way a woman is made, and will not allow her to be demeaned or degraded in any way; but preserves her from the wickedness of those who would lead her astray into corruption, and confers upon her a dignity, both at home and out of doors, which is worthy of her calling. It is of course possible that in an emergency a woman may be called to undertake tasks outside her home. But Islam seeks to avoid the kind of contacts between the sexes in the course of their employment which could turn fellowship into familiarity and comradeship into concupiscence. Therefore women must not dress in a provocative or enticing fashion nor titillate men's sexual lusts so that the madness which leads to promiscuity of intercourse is aroused.

Like any other institution, the family and its home needs a responsible head. Without a firm hand at the helm a family can drift in confusion. Either the wife or the husband must therefore take the lead, and nature shows that in general it is more fitting for the man to steer, even if in exceptional cases the woman must take command.

The man, in accepting the responsibility of the household, its livelihood, its wellbeing, its children and their care, merits the authority of a head, because his greater strength, perseverance and endurance make him more fitted than the woman to carry the heavy burden of safeguarding the family from collapse and confusion. Further, woman is a creature of emotion, and quicker to be swayed by feelings. Woman is more ruled by her heart and man more by his head. So Islam gives the prime responsibility to the person of reason, precisely as Article 213 of the most recent constitution of France does. At the same time, Islam lays down that teamwork, partnership, consultation and joint planning are to be the rule. The man is on no account to be left free to pursue his self-willed desires regardless. He must definitely never tyrannise over his wife or abuse or bully her. It is written in Sura IV Nisa'a -"The Women'. verse 19:

"Believers! You may not take over a brother's widow without her consent. You may not treat your wives harshly. You may not goad wife into suing you for a khula' (divorce) by which she has to a part of the dower which you gave her - save only if she be guilty of forfeit lewd conduct. Nay! live with your wives in kindness and equity. Should you dislike them for something, that very thing may be a point through which God will bring much blessing."

The husband, in shouldering the burden of external affairs for the support of the family has full control of everything relevant to his task. But inside the walls Of the home the wife is in full control, and hers is the duty of arranging the details of daily living, the disposition of the household effects and the upbringing of the children. The Prophet said: "The man is the breadwinner responsible for the family, while the wife has the responsibility for the house and for her husband and for the children.-' (Majmoo'é wa ram p.6/ Collections and Remains.)
Modern disrespect for the bond of marriage is due to the negligence of this high conception of wedlock. Instead it has been degraded by a mass of petty dreams and twisted imaginations. Men's thinking about marriage was in ruins before their families began to fall apart. Too many have entered on the married state without a thought for the importance of harmony of mind and spirit between man and wife. Fortune hunters, Casanovas, women-chasers prizing a pretty face above all else, have pushed the spiritual values out of sight and trodden their own best interests underfoot.

The prevalence of such badly founded families forebodes a tragic future. The deep incompatibility of thought between man and wife sets them as far apart as the poles. The gap between them gapes wider daily. Contentment and peace of heart flee from them. They get on each other's nerves. The harmony which ethical values, unselfishness and human affection bring, as both sides do all they can to strengthen the spiritual life of each other, departs. A family must be founded firmly on due consideration of the environmental conditions, the proper setting for the wife, and the compatibility of the partners' ways of thinking and of their moral standards. Marriage must be thought of as holy and basic. Only from this correct viewpoint can the inevitable difficulties of living together be satisfactorily settled.
Islam has paid due attention to all the deleterious consequences of wrongly based marriage, its divisions and unhappiness. It therefore founds the family not on fortune or passion or outward beauty or any material things, but on faith and virtue, and chastity and purity and spiritual qualities and affections, and piety both in the man and ID the woman.

The Prophet is reported to have said:

"Whosoever takes a wife merely because of her beauty will never find what he sought in her. Whose takes a wife solely for her fortune, the Lord will abandon him. Seek therefore a wife whose beauty is that of faith and whose fortune is purity of living." (Vassa'el, Vol. 3, p.6.)

In the book "Man la yahdhur" (p.209), "There is no institution more beloved than marriage" is stated as Islam's policy for matrimony. Persons who seek to avoid founding a family on unreasonable or false grounds are sternly rebuked, and condemned for every form of pretext to which they resort for perverting the God-given force of sex from its proper use. In the book "Safeene al-Bahar" (Vol. 1, p.561), we read: "Wedlock and matrimony belong to my religion. Whosoever protests against this way of life excludes himself from my religion and is not one of mine." Similarly Islam is against the wedding of people who lack the qualities of personality and the excellences of spirit which are required: and against wedding into families which do not profit from religious upbringing in moral standards. As is written in the "Vassa'el" - chapter 7 of the .'Book of Wedlock" "the Prophet in a sermon said: Avoid beautiful plants and flowers which grow by the side of filthy and polluted waters.' The Prophet was asked: 'O Prophet of Allah! what is a plant by a stagnant pool?' He replied: A beautiful woman brought up in a perverse family that has not known the restraints of instruction'."

It is natural that consorts who are not brought up on absolute moral standards and religious laws can never be sure of true family happiness and blessedness. The fruit of such marriages can only be delinquent children, rough, violent, without serenity or security of spirit. Therefore Islam, to ensure the happiness of both parties, lays particular stress on matters of morals and of mentality. It is to guard against the production of a generation that is corrupt and perverted that Islam seeks to avoid matrimony with members of families that are polluted and degraded.

If young people, at the moment when they have to choose their life's partner, would do so in accordance with Islamic rules and regulations instead of only looking at externals, and weigh the realities which are vital to happiness, setting aside false thinking inspired by polluted passions that so swiftly pass, there is no doubt that the unhappiness and family disasters brought on family life by the devotees of sexual freedom and permissiveness would all very rapidly disappear into thin air. Yet some of today's youth have been taught that a trial-marriage, to see if a couple suit each other in intercourse, is the right way and the ideal preparation for happy life-partnership. How can they think that a brief experience of a fleeting pleasure of two bodies can plumb the depths of the spiritual qualities, mental abilities, moral gifts and personality-traits of another soul? To expect to found an eternal relationship on a few moments of pleasure is a nonsensical piece of illogic. That should be enough to condemn it out of hand, quite apart from all the moral and spiritual damage which such temporary liaisons cannot fail to cause. The inner qualities of a personality only appear in a long period of a shared life. It is the ever-changing scene and stage of their living together which reveals the truth of two partners' inward nature to each other. Patience, forbearance, equanimity, steadiness, contentment, selflessness, self-sacrifice are discovered when life's pressures crowd in on the soul. How can brief moments of rest and fun and trips a deux penetrate to the deep ethical characteristics? Can a visit to the cinema or some other place of entertainment reveal their true selves to a couple? Indeed, in trial-marriages both partners try to conceal their bad sides and put on a good mask to fool each other.

Can a young man in the heat of passion make a decision which is the most fateful of his life? Can a trial-marriage ensure that there is no difference in spirit and no weak point in their relationship? And how can a young person ruled by the conditions of his years when the inclination to satisfy sexual instincts is so strong. weigh the essential conditions for a sound marriage dispassionately and detachedly? How can he be sure that quarrels and differences will not arise in the future?

It is for this reason that Islam recommends that, before the final signing of a marriage contract, the young people should meet each other and talk; but also, and far more important, they should get an assessment of their proposed partner's character and tastes and traits and capacities from independent observers who are able to judge from long acquaintance.

Or, since the family happiness depends in the first place on the equality of the relations between man and wife in their shared life, the firmer the spiritual and ethical bonds the surer the happiness of the household and the greater its ability to stand the shocks of life in selfless self-sacrifice and union. This is why the Prophet said. ."'Best of my people is the man who shows his family not harshness but perfect kindness and goodness." (Moral Excellence. p.247 "Makarem-ul-Akhlaq".) And again ("Man la yahdhur" p.625): "Best amongst you is he who treats his family well: and I am kindest of all to my own family." Similarly the wife should treat her husband with kindness, and this is called her ."Sacred Jehad" (Tafseer-ad-Dorr al-manthoor ."Gems of Wisdom").

One of the sad obstacles to early marriages today is the difficulty which finance poses for young people. Provision of the marriage portion, expensive ceremonies, the high cost of houses, and a dozen other extravagant charges are too much for the average youth. Islam insists , that the state should take steps to enable these difficulties to be overcome in the interests of the institution of matrimony. The book "Gems of Wisdom" reports the Prophet of Islam as saying: "It is an auspicious and beneficent act that the bride's family should make their demands for dowry and terms of the marriage contract mild and lenient."

Excessive demands may reveal not only that the bride's family but possibly also the bride herself is grasping and hard. The chapter on marriage portions in the book '"Vassa'el" tells the following story. One day the Apostle of God was seated with the assembly of his companions when a young woman rushed in and after the customary courteous salutations said: "O Apostle of God I want a young husband." The Prophet turned to all those present and asked: "Has anyone an inclination to take this woman to wife?" One man said he was willing. I The Prophet asked what dowry he would give. He replied: "I have nothing I can give." So the Prophet said. "No!" The woman returned on a later occasion and requested to be married. No one replied. Finally the same young man who had no fortune or property at his disposition made a sign, and the Prophet addressed him thus: "Do you know the Qur'an?" He said: "Sure!" The gracious Apostle then decreed: "I will marry you to this woman at the price of the dowry which will consist in your teaching her a portion of the Qur'an every day."

Islam therefore refuses to recognise that financial difficulties may put obstacles in the way of young people's matrimony. It allows indigent and needy persons to found families by law. Islam regards fear of poverty and of involvement as false excuses for avoiding the divine law of life in wedlock, and says that Providence knows a family's needs and will not let them fall into deprivation.

It is written in Sura XXIV: Nur-"Light", verse 32: "Provide the means by which worthy and fitting persons who have no spouse may marry. If they are poor and indigent God out of His gracious care will supply their needs."

Of course hard work and industry is the way in which a man should supply his needs. When a man undertakes the responsibilities of matrimony, in order to make both ends meet he must increase his activities and his hard work. This is one of the functions of marriage in raising the standard of living for the whole of society.

Figures also speak of the tragedy of the family under materialistic civilization and man’s loss of matrimonial harmony and psychological stability which is never attained except in close-knit families.

Woman’s Own (October 1985) draws a horrible picture of the communities that turn their backs on religion and marital values. That magazine notes: “In the U.K., one child out of every six born in 1984 was illegitimate. According to statistics concerning married women, two out of every five (those who continued their marriage between 5-15 years) admitted to having had extramarital relationships. The number of rape cases increased by 27% during the first six months of the current year compare to the same period last year. The Home Office disclosed that some 780 rape cases were reported in England and Wales alone, compared to the official figure (613) during the first half of 1984.”

SPREAD OF CRIME:

Reuter News Agency (December 2, 1985.) said in a wire service report that an average of four children are killed every week in Britain by their parents according to the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. The spokesman for the society said: “The problem is far more dangerous than anyone can imagine.” He disclosed that the most fearful figure is that nearly 200 children die every year as a result of their parents’ crimes. In addition to that, every fortnight, one British child is slaughtered by his other relatives.

A Sinhalese newspaper disclosed that 1,000 Sri Lankan children die daily in Colombo alone. A report published in The Sun spoke of great numbers of women going to Colombo to get rid of their illegitimately conceived fetuses through abortion.

SEX AND DISEASES:

Moving away from the natural man-woman relationship, and the proliferation of adultery, debauchery, immorality and homosexuality and other perversities, have brought on venereal disease epidemics such as syphilis, gonorrhea, and AIDS. These diseases have become rife and represent truly terrible threats to man.

The Sunday Times warned in a report that the British may face the possibility of the death of 10,000 people before the end of the current decade as a result of AIDS. The report further added that the figures concerning AIDS nearly doubled every 9 months and that Britain, which had 512cases of AIDS, was on the same level as the U.S. four years earlier. The report lashed out at the lax attitude of the British to the potential threat of AIDS, noting that the health authorities were late in realizing the alarmingly appalling dangers created by this virus.

Another report stated: “The most appalling of the venereal diseases which threaten the entire western population is the newly discovered disease known as AIDS. It compelled people to review the entirety of sexual relations between men and women. This disease spreads like fire in the straw, particularly in the U.S., where millions of people suffer from it. So far, no cure has been discovered to check it. It is a result of illicit sexual relations and sexual perversity. Slowly and dreadfully, the victim of this disease dies after the collapse of his immune system.”

The World Health Organization reports that between five and 10 million people are carriers of AIDS. “This figure is likely to go up rapidly to somewhere between 100 and 200 million before the end of this century if no effective measures are taken to stem the tide of AIDS.” (Al-Tadhamon magazine, London, No. 204, March 7, 1987.)

“In the U.S., the known cases of AIDS jumped from 181,000 in 1981 to 350,000 in 1987. Public health services estimate fatalities at about 20,000, which might increase to 50,000 in 1991.” (United Press International, May 5, 1987.)

More recent figures are even more alarming. The Research Almanac in 1996 states: "Over one million people in the U.S. are HIV positive but only 1/2 know that they are infected. The number of teens getting AIDS is doubling every 14 months. AIDS is the #6 killer of 13-24 year olds. 1 out of 500 college students test positive for HIV."

PSYCHOLOGICAL COLLAPSE AND DRUG ABUSE:

Because of loss, suffering, homelessness, nervous and psychological diseases, helpless man has taken refuge in alcohol and drugs in a bid to escape his painful existence. This has led to suicide, murder, and the total degradation of the human spirit.

The U.S. Department of Health disclosed that 5.8 million people were addicted to cocaine in 1985. Approximately 19% of the American population had taken marijuana, cocaine or other drugs at least once in 1985. (Kuwaiti magazine, Al-Mujtama, No. 806, p. 27.)

The former Soviet Union estimates 40 million Russians are addicted to alcohol.

Jeune Afrique, the Paris-based magazine, wrote that 60% of traffic accidents and 40% of divorces are attributable to alcohol. (Al-Mujtama, p. 28.)

CONCLUSION

These statistics clearly show us that the tragic consequences of materialistic life which has discarded belief in God, morals, and spiritual values. We can see by these statistics the degree of man's suffering, the deep bitterness of his life and the worry, hunger, pain, loss and terror that has diminished his happiness and stability.

These 'signs' call on every sane person to contemplate these facts and shoulder his human responsibility to rescue himself and his fellow man from the catastrophe looming over the world.

Let's review our way of thinking, the system of our society, the formation of our mind, our ideology, the quality of our civilization and our knowledge so we can escape the fire that has laid waste our serenity and scientific and social achievements.

Civilization that does not believe in true faith, moral and religious values, has made man feel bored and lost. It has deepened his convictions of the meaninglessness of life. The philosophical base on which contemporary materialistic civilization is built is rooted in denying the existence of God, refusing moral and religious values, believing in the materialistic world alone and seeking sensuous and physical pleasures.

Humanity chose this path only to incur unspeakable woes on itself.

If man wants salvation he should search for the real goal of his life and the world around him. How did it begin? What is his responsibility? What system of life should he adopt to be in harmony with the world around him?

Let's look for an answer to the origin of existence

A Father's Family Duties

Why does the Quran say al-rrijalu qawwamun 'ali an-nisa ?

The definition of the patriarchal family system has been the subject of various interpretations and comments in the laws of different countries. Basically the point should be discussed as to whether or not it is necessary that one should rule over the other in the bilateral partnership which is established between a husband and wife, whose goal is marital living and raising of children? And if it is necessary, then why should the husband be charged with it?
Based upon individual liberty and the necessity of honoring the opinion of other persons, some believe that the family should be jointly run by both husband and wife. But other lawyers, while confirming the fact that the parties should solve their problems with mutual understanding, believe that man is more competent in the final decision owing to more social experience, and that emotional aspects interfere with his decision-making less than that of a woman. Therefore, in most countries, the husband's rule over the family has been accepted in present civil codes. Of these, the civil codes of France, Switzerland and Italy could be mentioned which have explicitly accepted this matter.
But what is meant by the patriarchal system, or as the Quran says, "Men are the maintainers of women?" (4:34). Can the husband run the family merely based upon his desires or is his power for managing the family limited to the good of the family members? Should he consider the good, comfort and prosperity of all the family members in every decision that he makes? There is no doubt that the patriarchial system is justified and acceptable only in the latter form. It can have no purpose other than this. The important point is that the husband's rule over the family is not solely a right, rather it also has obligations entailed to it. One of the obligations that is created as a result of the patriarchal system, is the obligation to nourish.   That is, the husband is obliged to provide the living necessaties of the wife and children. Why? The existence of this obligation is so that women may be able to proceed with managing the family's internal affairs and raising the children with peace of mind. In this way, the anxiety over providing food and the basic necessities of life would not deprive them of peace of mind which is among the ingredients of good management of the family life, the establishment of peace in the house and in the warm nucleus of the family? In this way, wives are able to give their husbands' rest without any anxiety and with a firm heart and a peace of mind.
The verdict of the obligatory nature of the man's responsibility to pay for the expenses of the wife and children, is coupled with an important guarantee. No disruption should occur in managing of the family which might hinder women's lives.   A husband's abuse of his wife by forcing his wife to work in order to gain the means of livlihood to pay the living costs, should be prevented. In furtherance of this, Islamic jurisprudents, based upon valid documents, have proclaimed that should a husband who is capable of paying the family expenses, refrain from doing so, the wife has the right to refer to a religious arbitrator and to force the husband to pay. If the religious arbitrator does not succeed, he would order the husband to divorce his wife, for according to the rule of negation of hardship, which is one of the important rules of jurisprudence based upon reason and substantiated by Quranic verses and narrations, no verdict and the enforcing of no rights should result in difficulty and cause hardship, just as we know in the precepts governing the ritual prayers, one could perform the dry ablution instead of the minor ablution, should use of water prove to be harmful.
In the legal issues and those concerning the relations between individuals, no verdict should cause loss and hardships. Since the continuation of marital life could put place the women in a difficult position in the case of non-payment of the expenses by the husband, the religious judge and the representative of Islamic society could force the husband to separate at the final point. At this point, it might be useful to state that due to the direct responsibility of man in managing the family, if he has other individuals who he must support like a mother and father and his income cannot provide the expenses of all of these people, then the wife's expenses take precedence over other deserving relatives. With this, we observe how providing the wife's peace of mind and living expenses is the most important obligation of the husband.
In addition to supplying the material needs of the family, the husband's running of the family must be towards creating the means of welfare and spiritual comfort of the wife and children, and not towards a dictatorial and brutal attitude. Basically a good attitude in the family has been taken to be a good criterion. It is quoted from the Holy Prophet (SAW), "The best among you is the one who has the best attitude towards his family." Such a person, due to the responsibility which he is charged with towards the members of his family, will expend all of his efforts for their welfare and comfort. Women, on the other hand, are encouraged to satisfy their husbands and to create an atmosphere of sincerety and serenity in the house through their good temper, mild and friendly attitude.
During the time of the Holy Prophet, when one of the pure hearted and eloquent   Muslim   women complained about the mandate of Islam and asked why women were not allowed to participate in jihad and defence of Islam as an active soldier, the Prophet answered, "Your good behavior towards your husbands and well-management of the house is like jihad."
With this remark, the Prophet had wanted to emplant the idea that men and women should pay their debt to society with each others help and according to the responsibilities that have been entrusted to each of them. One works in the battlefront and the other should work behind the lines. Each of them not only undertakes a part of the duties of life during war and jihad, but also during the period of peace which helps the correct management of the society through its performance and with each others help.