FAMILY LIFE IN ISLAM:(Part 2)

Of course, a father too has a great share in the process of tarbiyyat[upbringing] of the child. Tarbiyyat implies a certain sensitivity towards the child under his care, the emotional and physical needs and capacities of the child. It implies the ability to inspire confidence. It implies the courage to allow and promote creativity and innovation. It also means to trust and not to stifle, to be firm when needed and even to impose sanctions when necessary. The primary responsibility for this process of tarbiyyat rests with both parents. The crucial role of both parents in the formative years of the child’s education and development is emphasised by the Holy Prophet Muhammad (Pbuh) when he says:

"Every child is born in the natural state of goodness. It is his parents who make him a Jew, a Christian or a Magian."

In the complex web of relationships fostered by Islam, not only parents, but grandparents, uncles and aunts, sisters and brothers, teachers and neighbours, all have an important role in the nurturing of the new generations. As a grandparent, through experiences gained in life, one can derive from and provide great enjoyment to children, while giving much needed relief to parents under stress. On this point, one has a good example of the Holy Prophet in his care of his daughter, Fatimah, and his love and affection for Hassan and Hussain, his two grandchildren:

"A man named Al-Aqra ibn Habis paid a visit to the Holy Prophet Muhammad (Pbuh) and was surprised to see him playing with and kissing his two grandsons, Hassan and Hussain. Al-Aqra asked the Prophet: ‘Do you kiss your children?’ He then related that he had ten children and had never kissed even one of them. The Holy Prophet replied: ‘That shows you have no mercy and tenderness at all. Those who do not show mercy to others will not have God’s mercy shown on them’" Bukhari (Ch. 8).

It is very sad that many children are denied the benefits of not having a grandparent to cherish and dote on them. The trend towards nuclear families is a trend for the impoverishment of children. Allah says in the Holy Quran:

And thy Lord has decreed that you serve none but Him, and do good to parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not Fie to them, nor chide them and speak to them a generous word (17:23).

While parents are naturally loving and kind to children, children often disobey and disregard their parents. If is for this reason, and because of the enormous debt that children owe to their parents, that the Quran has made it compulsory on the child to treat his parents with total goodness and mercy. However, on the other hand, it has not placed a similar obligation on parents. It is thus a compulsory duty on every adult Muslim to show goodness and mercy and act righteously to his parents throughout their lives. This even applies to those parents who are not Muslims. Excluded are parents who promote shirk or ask children to associate anything with Allah; or ask them to commit any act which involves the disobedience of Allah and His laws. Only in such cases must children disobey their parents.

The duty of a child, however old, to parents is to show love and gratitude to them; to speak to them with kindness, to strive to please them and make them happy, and to look after their needs when they become old and cannot look after themselves. One of the benefits of being good and kind to parents is that goodness and kindness are passed on from one generation to the next. For the Holy Prophet said:

"Be kind and good to your parents and your children will be kind and good to you."

A person should be kind to his mother in particular, and show gratitude to her for all the agonies she experienced, and for nurturing him till he can cope on his own. This is why the Holy Prophet (pbuh) said: "Paradise lies at the feet of mothers." A hadithby Abu Dawood says:

"Someone asked the Holy Prophet to whom he should show kindness. The prophet replied, ‘Your mother.’ The man asked who came next, and the Prophet replied again, ‘Your mother.’ Again, the question was asked and the same reply was given. He again asked who came next and then the reply was, ‘Your father, then your relatives in order of relationship.’"

We have seen how the family in Islam is welded together by ties of kinship. It is also held together and extended by marital ties and permitted relationships, but over and above this, is the enrichment of family life by positive attitudes through Islamic values and practices.

The Islamic values of faith, love, compassion, cleanliness and beauty all need to be nurtured in the home. Briefly, the ideal Muslim home would need to be:

1. Simple and not ostentatious, for the Holy Prophet said: "Eat, drink, give sadaqah (charity) and wear good clothes as long as these things do not involve excess and arrogance."

2. Clean, for the Noble Prophet said: "Cleanliness is part of faith."

3. Free from statues or revolting pieces of art, for the Holy Prophet said, "God is beautiful and loves beauty."

4. A place where there are the basic necessities of food and clothing; where meals are eaten together, and where there is hospitality and generosity.

5. A place where the greeting of Salaam (Peace) is heard at dawn and at night, and at times of going and coming.

6. A place where tenderness, love and mercy are the norm, for the Quran says: And we have made between you love and tenderness.

7. A place where the recitation of the Quran and the performance of salaat [prayers] is a daily occurrence, and where knowledge is imparted and pursued.

In conclusion, the Muslim family is not just a nuclear one consisting of husband, wife and children, but it is extended to include other relatives as well. As a Muslim, one is required to maintain a close and caring relationship with one’s relatives. According to the Holy Prophet, one is required to visit relatives, inquire about their circumstances, spend on them, and give them sadaqah (charity) if they so deserve.

Abu Talha (rta) was the richest man in Madina. He had groves of date palms and his favourite possession was an orchard called Bayr Hae, which was in the direction of the Mosque of the Holy Prophet (pbuh), who often went there to drink its cool, fresh water. Anas (rta), a Companion of the Holy Prophet (pbuh), said that when the verse of the Holy Quran was revealed: You will not attain to righteousness until you spend in charity out of what you love, Abu Talha went to the Holy Prophet (pbuh) and said: "Messenger of Allah, God has revealed to you this verse (which he recited). My best possession is my orchard. It is now sadaqah for the sake of Allah. I desire the righteousness that would come from giving it. Do with it whatever Allah shows you." The Holy Prophet replied: "What a lovely property! How fruitful and profitable! I heard what you said. I think you should give it to your relatives." Abu Talha obeyed the Prophet (pbuh) and thus divided up his property among his relatives and cousins.

From the above, one can see that the institution of the family is maintained by feelings of love and tenderness, by the Islamic laws of morality and decency and by practical measures of mutual assistance and support. Strong, stable and healthy family units provide the foundation for strong and stable communities and societies.

Thus, in Islam, obligations to family are not only social and moral responsibilities, but one stands accountable before Allah for not fulfilling them, as the following saying of the Holy Prophet Muhammad puts it:

"Every one of you is a ruler and every one of you shall be questioned about those under his rule; the king is a ruler and he shall be questioned about his subjects; the man is a ruler in his family and he shall be questioned about those under his care; the woman is a ruler in the house of her husband and shall be questioned about those under her care; and the servant is a ruler so far as the property of his master is concerned, and he shall be questioned about that which is entrusted to him" (Bukhari 11:11).