A Couple’s Duties to Their Relatives

Say: Whatever ye spend that is good, is for parents and kindred... [Holy Quran: Baqara: 2:215]

Relatives

Each husband and wife has some relatives. Neither one is allowed to force the other to stop seeing them. Each one has parents, brothers and sisters, uncles, aunts, nieces and nephews, grandparents, etc. Visiting them is considered worship, and associating with them is an excellent deed and can help resolve many difficulties. A wife should not be so unreasonable not to let her husband's relatives come to visit them, or be rude with them when they come for a visit. She should not stop her husband from associating with his relatives. The house is the husband's property, and God has granted him authority over the wealth and property. A woman is religiously required to obey her husband. Bothering him is also religiously forbidden. Preventing him from associating with his parents, brothers and sisters, or other relatives is totally immoral, inhumane and against man's nature. A man should not prevent his wife from associating with her parents and relatives either. This too is against human passion and love. The wife and children who prevent one from performing good deeds, worshipping, and associating with relatives are considered man's enemies by the Quran. They are not enemies whose hearts are filled with hatred. Rather they are enemies who want to prevent us from attaining prosperity in this world and the Hereafter.

A man should not give in to his wife or children in his attempts to do good deeds, solving the problems of the people, associating with relatives, aiding his parents, brothers or sisters. Of course, believing women who accept the Hereafter; feel responsible; want to prosper in the Hereafter; recognize that they must respect their husband's rights; adhere to divine etiquette and are in total agreement with their husbands. They even encourage their husbands to associate with and help his relatives, whenever they feel that their husbands are not serious enough in this regard. But women who oppose God, or children who demand things opposed to God's religion, are considered to be man's enemy by the Quran. Man is instructed to do the following in these situations:

 O ye who believe! Truly, among your wives and your children are (some that are) enemies to yourselves: so beware of them! But if ye forgive and overlook, and cover up (their faults), verily God is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.[Holy Quran: Tagabun: 64:14, p.1558.]

You should not fight, separate, or get angry in this case. Just let them insist on their views, and you yourself stay steadfast in obeying God and spending in his way. Some women are really unreasonable. They are deprived of God’s Mercy, and wish to deprive others of God’s Mercy too. Some men are also too strict, and do this unreasonably and without any gain but deprivation from God’s Mercy and favor. Why do some women refuse to let their husband's relatives come to their house, and not let their husband assist his relatives financially, while all their own relatives can come to their house and use the husband's property to serve them as they please. In these cases, many months or years go by and the husband aspires to see his relatives and visit him, but the wife's relatives are continually coming and going. Is this not a form of oppression against the husband and his relatives?

Is this not the same dangerous mental state which is damned by God and deprived of His Mercy. Such a woman will not have a good Hereafter. And why do some men prevent their wives from visiting their relatives. This is not liked by God, is a Satanic act and is certainly going to cause one to be deprived of God’s Mercy. In addition to the verses on visiting the next of kin, the Holy Quran has mentioned relatives twenty-three times, and has issued some very important decrees in this regard. A believing man is supposed to use the Prophet (Pbuh) as his model and abide by his decrees in all issues. One duty is to guide his relatives, since man always needs guidance.

And admonish thy nearest kinsmen, [Holy Quran: Shu'araa: 26:214]

How good is it for a man to gather his relatives and those of his wife in his house every once in a while; and advise them about the religiously forbidden and allowed things; and admonish them about the consequences of evil acts and bad behavior; and introduce jurisprudence and religious issues to them. Guiding the people towards divine issues is similar to the act of the Prophets of God and the Imams, and has an astonishing reward. It is said that Allameh Majlesi carried out this program for his wife, child and relatives every Thursday night; and he considered it a duty since scientific charity is similar to financial charity, and is liked by God. The Quran considers being kind to one’s relatives similar to being kind to one’s parents, thus showing the importance of having good family ties.

 And remember We took a covenant from the Children of Israel (to this effect): Worship none but God; treat with kindness your parents and kindred; and orphans and those in need; speak fair to the people; be steadfast in prayer; and practise regular charity. Then did ye turn back, except a few among you, and ye backslide (even now). [Holy Quran: Baqara 2:83]

Love for wealth and property is a part of human nature. Was it not for this love, no one would be motivated to go to work in industry, arts, business or agriculture. Man loves what he earns by hard work. The Glorious Quran asks man to use what he loves so much for solving the problems of his relatives. Doing so is one of the signs of the believers.

 To spend of your substance, out of love for Him, for your kin, for orphans [Holy Quran: Baqara: 2:177]

Relatives are so important in relation to one that they inherit one's property after his/her death. Note the following verse in this regard.

 But if at the time of division other relatives...[Holy Quran: Nisaa: 4:8]

The respect for relatives is very important. They are so honorable that God's book orders us to be just even when we talk to our relatives.

Whenever ye speak, speak justly, even if a near relative is concerned; [Holy Quran: An'am: 6:152]

Belittling, making fun of or vain talk about relatives are all against the religion and are immoral acts. God has ordered everyone to be kind and just, and has specifically mentioned relatives in this regard.

 God commands justice, the doing of good, and liberality to kith and kin [Holy Quran: Nahl: 16:90]

God does not like one who is rich to ignore those who need his charity. This is also unaccepted from the viewpoint of the intellect, logic, man's nature, ethics and the religion.

 Let not those among you who are endued with grace and amplitude of means resolve by oath against helping their kinsmen [Holy Quran: Nur: 24:22]

We are strictly ordered to be just when we witness in a court, and also avoid hiding what we know and can witness to even if it is against our interest and that of our parents and relatives.

O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to God, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin [Holy Quran: Nisaa: 4:135]

Also we are instructed not to seek forgiveness for our relatives as long as they are polytheists.

It is not fitting, for the Prophet and those who believe, that they should pray for forgiveness for Pagans, even though they be of kin [Holy Quran: Tauba: 9:113]

We are also instructed not to be friends with our parents, children or relatives if they are enemies of God and his Prophet.

 Thou wilt not find any people who believe in God and the Last Day, loving those who resist God and His Apostle, even though they were their fathers or their sons, or their brothers, or their kindred. For such He has written Faith in their hearts, and strengthened them with a spirit from Himself. And He will admit them to Gardens beneath which Rivers flow, to dwell therein (forever). God will be well pleased with them, and they with Him. They are the Party of God. Truly it is the Party of God that will achieve Felicity.[Holy Quran Mujadila 58:22]

Except for these especial cases, relatives are considered as a unit. The husband or the wife do not have the right to forbid the other one from associating with his/her relatives. Women, especially, are not allowed to forbid their husbands from such highly rewarding acts. I recommend to couples to honor the twenty-three verses of the Quran about relatives, and respect their relatives, invite them over, and help them financially if they need so. As can be understood from the traditions, the woman should be careful not to make her husband angry, since his anger and unhappiness is similar to God's anger and unhappiness. None of the deeds of a woman whose husband is not pleased with her is accepted by God. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.244].

Imam Sadiq said:

Damned is a woman who bothers her husband and makes him sad. [Ibid, p.253].

This can be partly related to the husband's relatives. She may be unreasonable without any logical or religious reasons, and in this way she deprives herself of God’s Mercy.