Islamic Ethics in the Family-2

Feigning

Feigning is one of the very good attributes few people have. Seeing someone's mistakes and acting as if you didn't, so that the one who made the mistake really believes you didn't notice his/her error is one of the best spiritual attributes. Feigning in regards to your wife's errors is a very noble act which must be continued into the future. The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said: Half of a wise person's existence is patience and perseverance, and the other half is feigning. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, p.268]

He also said: A noble man's most honorable attribute is feigning. [Ibid]

He also said: There is no measure better than pretending not to notice, and no patience is better than feigning. [Ibid]

As the Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) has said, being extremely picky and expecting total innocence and blaming others for mistakes is a cause of ruining our life. [Ibid]

It is necessary for a couple to forgive and feign and with such good attributes, life goes on with pleasure, the nerves are calm and the body is safe and immune from many diseases. Forgiving and feigning are the sweet by-products of controlling one's anger. Stubbornness, anger and quarreling are despised by God and are signs of flames of the Fire of Hell, a bad character, and a cause of the disruption of life. This may end up in divorce or separation, or delving into sin or corruption. There are many traditions regarding the harm of stubbornness and quarreling. A man addresses Imam Husayn(Pbuh), the Master of the Martyrs in a distasteful manner: Let's sit down and argue about religion. The Imam said: O' man, know that I am aware of my religion, and God's guidance is as clear as daylight for me. However if you have any problems in this regard you had better go and do something about your ignorance. What do I have to do with quarreling, as this is just a result of Satan's temptation to trap man in sin. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.2, p.135]

If verbal arguments are designed to prove the existence of God, they are considered to be good, and they will cause progress in science and discovery of the truth and God. However, if they are due to stubbornness and for defeating the other side, or for disrupting peace, then they are undoubtedly forbidden and one who argues is rebellious and deserves punishment.

Imam Reza (Pbuh) told Abdul Azim Hassany: Send my greetings to my friends, and tell them not to let Satan penetrate their hearts in any way, and advise them to be honest, truthful and quiet, and avoid quarreling over what has no profit for them. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.74, p.230]

Anger

The Quranic verses and Islamic traditions have advised all to avoid anger and consider it destructive; a sign of light-headedness; a cause of destruction; fire from Satan and consider it to be a form of insanity: They consider it to be the source of all evils. The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) has expressed these concepts in his wise words: Anger is an evil which when let free to take over will destroy you. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, p.231]

He also said: Anger is the vehicle of the light-headed ones. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, pp.230-231]

And also: Anger will raise the flames of hidden hatred. [Ibid]

Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: Anger is the key to all losses. [Ibid]

That's right. An angry person will make many mistakes and attack the honor of the other party. It will put pressure on his heart and nerves, his face will get red and he will hit, destroy, divorce, harm, cause damages and so on. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Anger is fire from Satan. [Ibid]

Hazrat Ali (Pbuh) said: Anger is a form of insanity. One who gets angry will then become sorry. If he does not, his insanity is serious. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, pp.232-233]

He also said: Anger will spoil the brain and terribly distract man from the truth and righteousness. [Ibid]

He also seriously condemned this Satanic state and said: One who does not control his anger is not one of us. [Ibid]

And he also said: One who is totally driven by anger and lust is an animal. [Ibid]

Regarding control of one's anger, Imam Baqir (Pbuh) has said: In the Hereafter, God will fill the heart of one who has the power to let out his anger but controls it with peace and faith in the Hereafter. Ali (Pbuh) said: God will cover up the faults of those who control their anger. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, p.236]

Imam Ali (Pbuh) wrote to his loyal friend Hareth Hamedany: Control your anger, forgive when in power, be patient when angry, cover up the faults of those who make mistakes, even though you have power. Then you may prosper. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, p.236]

In the books Usul al-Kafi, Vasa'il al-Shiia, and Bihar al-Anwar, we read in many traditions that controlling one's anger towards everyone will be rewarded with immunity from God's anger and receiving His Mercy in the Hereafter. Jesus (Pbuh) was asked about the cause of anger. He said: There are three roots and reasons for anger: Haughtiness, selfishness and belittling the people. The Prophet (Pbuh) has recommended the Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh): Do not get angry. Sit down when you get angry, and think about God's power and rule over His servants and God's patience. If while you are angry you are told of fear ing God, then you can control your anger and return to your normal state of patience.

Arrogance

Arrogance is one of the bad traits, and is considered to be a sin in Islam. One who has this satanic attribute deserves God's punishment unless he/she repents and returns to humbleness and politeness. A couple have religious and moral responsibilities towards each other and have seen and accepted each other before getting married, knowing about each other's family, wealth and beauty and have lived together. When they have a problem they should not use their family, wealth, beauty, knowledge and age to bother the other party. They should avoid arrogance since it will hurt and at times may cause hatred and animosity or reaction. It may even lead to quarrels or divorce, in which case the responsibility is on the shoulders of the arrogant one.

The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said: There is no foolishness greater than arrogance. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, p.414]

He also said in these wise words: Discard arrogance and haughtiness and remember your tomb. [Ibid]

Arrogance is so bad that in his nineteenth book, Imam Sajjad (Pbuh) has said to God: Please guard me against arrogance. Ali (Pbuh) said: How can Adam's offspring be arrogant? Their starting point is a sperm, and their end is a badly-smelling corpse. Their daily bread is in the hands of someone else, and they have no power to escape death. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.73, p.294]

God's book has mentioned the fact that God does not like the arrogant and haughty people in several verses.

For God loveth not any arrogant boaster. [Holy Quran: Luqman 31:18]

Anyway, a couple should avoid arrogance in regards to their family, beauty, wealth, savings or knowledge and should realize that all these may vanish some day. This satanic trait is only a source of trouble, hurt, loss of love, cause of fights, and losing one's respect in God's sight.

Behavior

A couple's behavior towards each other must be accompanied by politeness, nobility, friendship, cooperation, love and humbleness. Their acts should be based on mutual respect and honor. A man should realize that a woman is a delicate creature with love, affection, and modesty. All these traits must be considered when dealing with a woman. A woman must realize that a man is a strong and robust creature having stronger physical and mental states and know that the stability of life is reliant upon him.

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because God has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. [Holy Quran: Nisaa 4:34]

It is for this reason that noble wives respect their husbands, and gentlemen treat their wives with honor. A peaceful mutual life is only possible through mutual consideration of the above facts. We must try to be a practical model of good acts and proper deeds in the way we treat each other, so that we not only pass the days of our lives, but also gain the reward of the Hereafter and please one another with our deeds.

Talking

A couple should talk to each other in a tone which is filled with love, affection and passion, and their words must be filled with manifestations of understanding, wisdom, conscience and justness. When we speak we must follow the verses of the Quran regarding speaking, that is speaking justly; speaking fair; speaking mildly; speaking kindly; and calling men to God.

Whenever ye speak, speak justly, even if a near relative is concerned... [Holy Quran: An'am: 152]

Speak fair to the people... [Holy Quran: Baqara 2:83]

But speak to him mildly; perchance he may take warning or fear (God)... [Holy Quran: Taha 20:44]

Yet speak to them a word of easy kindness... [Holy Quran: Bani-Israel 17:28]

Who is better in speech than one who calls (men) to God... [Holy Quran: Fussilat 41:33]

When what is said is Godly, when the judgment that is made is right, when what is said is simple and softly spoken, it will bless your life with love, happiness, warmth and stability. When what is said is right and it is said kindly and passionately, then it will be rewarded by being heard and realized. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: If it were not for your talking too much, and if your heart was not the place for Satan, you would see what I see and hear what I hear!

Kanzulemal

It is better to avoid talking too much or saying what is not good for either this world or the Hereafter. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: One of the good things in Islam for man is to avoid vain talk. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.8, pp.434-440]

The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) once passed by a man who talked too much. He told him: "You are filling your record of deeds with extra talk. This record will be presented to your Lord, so you better say useful things and avoid vain talk". Abuzar said: You can summarize the world in two words, one in search of what is lawful in all respects, and the other in search of the Hereafter. All else is useless and harmful, and you better not engage in it. [Ibid]

The Prophet (Pbuh) said: All that the son of Adam says is to his loss, not to his benefit; except his advice to do good deeds, and remember God and his warning against doing evil deeds. [Ibid]

The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said: One who talks too much shall make many mistakes. One who makes many mistakes will be less modest. One with less modesty shall be less pious. Such a person's heart shall die and he will enter Hell. [Ibid]

A couple should talk to each other about the affairs of the house, their needs and those of their children, express their love and affection for each other, advise each other to do right and to persevere, safeguard each others' secrets, and not talk about their personal affairs with their family or friends. And they should establish their home as a center of God's words, prayer, the Quran, no lying, gossiping, swearing or belittling, since as it can be understood from the verses of the Quran and the traditions, such bad deeds will deprive us of God’s Mercy and may even bring His punishment. A man should avoid bringing sinful folks home, or giving sinful parties since this will bring harm to him and his household, and will cause him to lose out on the Hereafter. A wife should avoid wastefulness which is sometimes the sour result of keeping up with the Joneses, since she will be accountable for each penny wasted in the Hereafter. A man and his wife should try to practically foster nobility, politeness, and spiritual health in their children and those around them with their manners, words and deeds, since the reward of guiding even one person is equal to that of guiding all the people.

Refrence: The Islamic