A GLOOMY AND SAD EXAMPLE FOR YOUR ATTENTION
Sometime back, I went to one of the cities cultural and propagation matters. I was talking to a family, of whom I was a guest, about their life style and conditions, problems and difficulties.
When it came to the matters and affairs pertaining to their children, we talked about each of them one by one.
So then I turned to a daughter of their who was 23, and still unmarried. I asked them surprisingly:
"Why has she not married till now?"
They said: "It is the fate which has not yet approve it."
I said: "What do you mean by that? Has someone not yet turned up to ask for her hand in marriage?"
They replied: "Yes that's it! A person whom we can approve has yet to come."
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I said: Is it you who did not approve or the girl has not approved and liked the suitor?
Before they could give the answer, the girl who had heard our conversation came rushing from the next room, bitterly weeping.
She said: "Sir, it is not as they say, instead, a number of suitable and good candidates have come so far to ask my hand in marriage. This father, mother and brother of mine rejected them without even discussing it with me or even without me being aware of it. I was informed later on. Then the girl named a number of candidates who had come to ask her hand. I personally knew one of them who is a nice young man. I addressed the parents and the brother, saying "At least I know one of these men, who is a good and suitable one. On what ground did you reject him? Why did you not ask your daughter's opinion when you wanted to reject him?"
They lowered their heads and said: 'All that you say is true, but it was not approved by destiny!"
I was very sorry. But nothing could be done, since that boy had married another girl.
This girl has now been confronted with problems like depression and nervous, psychological, and physical disease. She has also lost many of her youthful characteristics and specifications. No more candidates like that young man seek her hand in marriage, since not only she much older, but she is also suffering from certain ailments and has lost her attraction and peculiarities.
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Really, it is those parents and the brother who have exercised that cruelty upon her. What shall such parents and elders say to Allah? Those who play with the fate and destiny of the young ones and make them face such damages and loss, how will they satisfy their own consciences?
O Allah! Such oppressed youth do not have a shelter and refuge except you. Help them!
A CURIOUS AND STRANGE EXAMPLE
I was waiting for a taxi on street, when a beautiful late model car pulled up nearby and I was invited to get in.
I was amazed, since very rarely do those having such late model cars pick someone up and drop him at his destination.
Anyhow, I got in the car. The driver was a youth of approximately 27 to 28 years of age.
After greeting him and asking his welfare, he said, "I have a difficulty which I want to discuss with you." I said "Carry on." He said, "As you can see, I'm not very young, but am still a bachelor. So far, I have taken into new a number of girls and discussed them, but my family confronted and opposed my marriage on different pretexts and excuses. Recently, I have selected a good girl whom I consider suitable for myself from all aspects. But this time too my family opposed me, making a very absurd and ugly excuse, which is laughable. what is my religious obligation in this case? I have upheld their respect and reverence to
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this moment and have obeyed them, but this time I can no more do that, since not only is the girl good, but the excuse is a bad one."
I said: "Explain it, let me see what their excuse is and what are the distinctions and qualities of the girl."
He replied: I have recently completed my education and become an engineer. I am fully prepared for marriage from each and every aspect, in fact, I feel a strong urge for it. The girl that I have taken into consideration for marriage is a very nice and suitable one. She too is an educated girl and we like each other from all aspects. There is no real and actual difficulty and hindrance on our way to marriage, except for a narrow arched street which is the obstacle to the marriage!!"
I said: "What do you mean? I do not understand."
He reflected: "Our house is situated in a beautiful spot and our door opens onto a big park. (He named the street and the park). but the house of that girl is located in a narrow and arched street. Our family holds 'It is inadequate and bad for us to be visiting that street. It is downgrading for us to make our friends, relatives and guests visit that street and house'."
I was very surprised and could not make myself believe that such people can be found in this world.
I said to the young man: "You mean to say that your family and elders are such person? Does your family wish to purchase the house of the girl's family that they object to their street? I had never at all seen or
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heard such and excuse!"
He said: "Yes, that is that. Now that you have seen and heard, what is my obligation, and what must I do with them?"
I said: "If it be so and this is their excuse which you say, then never at all submit to their invalid and irreligious, ridiculous and funny views. Here it is not obligatory for you to obey your parents in this case> As for the other family members and elders, their obedience too is not obligatory for you. If you are satisfied that the girl is suitable, good and both of you are equal and harmonious, then do not let her go at any cost."
Then other matters wee described which will soon be discussed in the "solutions to problems" section.
AN AGONISTIC LETTER
Ayatollah Ibrahim Ameeni presented the letter of a girl in his book "Spouse Selection" which is being narrated exactly hereby.
The girl wrote: "I am a student and have reached an age where many chances of marriage came forth for me, but both my mother and father hindered my marriage in one way or another... Of course, do not think that the marriage candidates had any fault and shortcoming. On the contrary, they present such arguments that I think I would never be able to marry. The boys are faithful, religious and socially good. As a matter of fact, o sooner do they turn up with a proposal, than they are given a negative reply, without even being asked any question. And they (my parents) have made it a
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routine, and do not even seek my opinion. I look forward to the time when at least they would ask my view and permit me to take a decision regarding my future. I must say I am very annoyed and unhappy with them form the core of my heart, since I can clearly and distinctly see how they have obscured my future. And sometimes I feel that I do not like them because I think that some people who do not have a role in my future life are deciding my future.
You sister."1
WHAT TO DO NOW?
The duties and obligations of sons and daughters towards wise, sagacious, sympathetic, and expedient parents, of whom we have inshallah many, is quite clear and explicit. As has been described, it is obligatory to uphold their regard and respect an attend and yield to their admonitions and opinions, and benefit from their experiences. But what is the duty of sons and daughters in connection with fathers, mothers, elders and friends who are unwise, selfish, excuse makers, and problem -creating (whose number is high)? How must they act so that both their marriage is not delayed, and they get married to their wanted and desired spouse and simultaneously avoid the hurdles and hindrances and not letting a conflicting situation rise or minimize it?"
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1- "Spouse selection", page 156-157, pub: the Islamic Propagation Organization, First Edition.
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ANSWER
This difficulty too, just like some other marriage problems, has two kinds of solutions. One is long term solution and the other a 'short term' one.
As far as the long term ones are concerned, the Islamic society must be reformed. The reformers, thinkers, and teachers should reform and rectify the ideas, thoughts, beliefs and morality of the society, that everybody learns his duty and responsibility and practice. These problems should be discussed and researched.
However, at present the discussion is related to the short-term solutions which are discussed here.
SOLUTIONS
1. DIRECT NEGOTIOATIONS WITH THE HURDLE-CREATORS AND FAULT -FINDERS
If the youth happen to face such hurdles, excuse-makers and unjustified interceptors and they are sure that they are incorrect and wrong, they must firstly talk to the excuse-makers. They must set aside shame and shyness, and tell them very respectfully and humbly:
"We want to marry and we ask you, who are our elders and seniors, to help us and not hinder our prosperity. Respect to you is binding and obligatory for us and we observe that. But simultaneously it is also obligatory for you to help us out at this sensitive juncture, so that we can set our lives upon correct and right foundations. Unfortunately and regretfully, such and
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such objection that you have raised is not correct.1 These criteria, standards, rites and ceremonies, which you have put forward are against Islamic and intellectual standards. Please do not do something that might compel us to act against your opinion and order."
Such conversations, if done with respect and reverence to elders, do positively produce a good result and effect in improving matters.
2- APPOINTING A MEDIATOR
If direct negotiation does not work (or you were shy and could not talk face to face with them) and they still wish to impose their incorrect versions, then the next stage arrives. That is, you appoint someone as a mediator who has influence upon your elders. you discuss your entire views with them and request that they talk to those hurdle-raisers so as to stop them from opposition and stubbornness. This act can have a lot of effect.
A SPECIMEN FOR YOUR ATTENTION
A girl came to the Prophet (a.s) and said: "O, Prophet of Allah (a.s), my father wants to compel me to marry his nephew (my cousin) and I am against it and do not want to marry this person."
The Prophet (a.s) at first admonished the girl to uphold and observe the respect of her father, and said, "If you
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1- We again reiterate and emphasize that the youth must make sure about wrongfulness of those oppositions.
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can do it, accept the proposal presented by your father."
The girl replied "O' Prophet of Allah (a.s), I do not have any inclination and liking for my cousin and can not select him as my husband."
The Prophet (a.s) said "The discretion (choice) is yours, accept it if you like, and if you do not like, do not accept."
Then the girl said, "Oh Prophet (a.s), now that this has happened, I am prepared to marry my cousin. But I wanted my father and others to know, by this act of mine, that they do not have th right to compel and force their daughters to marry someone towards whom they are not inclined." (Bravo to this brave, intelligent girl!)
You can appoint these mediators from among relatives such as uncles, grand fathers, mothers, aunts, the clergy, your teachers, and principals and so on.
LOOK AT ANOTHER EXAMPLE
One of our friends, for whom we have selected the fictitious name of "Hussain", was confronted with some obstacles created by his father in his with to marry. He left no stone unturned to make him give up his stubbornness and obstinacy, but to no gain.
The son contacted a wise, pious religious jurist who was an expert and authority in marriage problems and marital and social matters and whom Hussain's father too held in reverence and love, and whose opinion was
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an authority for him He discussed the problems with him.
That jurist summoned and talked to the father. When the father returned after visiting the jurist, his eyes were tearful. he faced Hussain, who was waiting outside the room for the result, and said "Oh my son, forgive me. I now understand ho wring I was about your marriage and how I nearly put you in a state of misery.."
ANOTHER INTERESTING EXAMPLE
An interesting matter was printed in the newspaper 'Risalat', serial No 1991, Saturday, 7th of Azar, 1371 (L.H) under the column entitled 'A page from the notebook of life' by Mr. Abdullah Parhizgar, which is presented exactly.
"A page from the notebook of life"
This week:
"Cousin!"
The information section of the newspaper informed me that a gentleman wanted to see me. I went to the ground floor an the information clerk showed me a man. After introduction and greeting, I guided him to my room. We were alone in the room. I observed a strange agony on the face of that man and so I discovered that he had some difficulty.
I said to him, "I am ready to listen to your problem."
He said, "Look sir, mine is a queer and strange difficulty". i said, "What is your problem about?"
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He replied "My father has a brother who is well-off and has only one daughter who is studying in the fourth year of high school now. My father and uncle have agreed that I will marry my cousin. And both of them are of the opinion that the wealth and property of my uncle must not be transferred to strangers. But I do not like my cousin and cannot accept her as my wife. Now I am wondering what to do."
Q: "What is your qualification and job?"
A: I have a junior diploma in electronics and work in one of the governmental organisations. One of my friends who is a reader of your newspaper organisations. One of my friends who is a reader of your newspaper advised me to see you. Now I have come to find out what you can do for me."
"Dear friend, thank you for the confidence you have in us. But I would like to know why you do not like your cousin?"
"Look, Mr Parhizgar, as a matter of fact, my uncle's family, and to some extent my father too, measure everything upon monetary and and material standards. But in contrast and contrary to their ideology, I do not believe in this thing. I do not want to turn my uncle and cousin, and although I know I would become considerably rich through I know become considerably rich through this marriage, I am not ready to sacrifice my beliefs for their illogical and irrational wishes and inclinations."
The young man was talking about the superb and lofty humane values. He was not prepared to sell himself
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out and undergo an imposed marriage. He wanted to marry a girl based on his own choice and inclination, short of material provocations, stimulant and attraction. His ideas were praiseworthy. One could hope that there are still many people to be found who do not consider their humanity, spiritualism and purity comparable to any material criteria or standards.
I said to him:
"Dear friend, I commend and praise you for having such ideas and the best way to go is that you do not undergo this imposed marriage, under any circumstances."
"What must I so then about the pressure my father is exerting upon me?"
"You must reveal all the problems and your ideas to your father without any concealment and conservativeness. You should make your father see that marriage is optional matter of taste and nobody must be and can be forced to such a work. Because forced marriage case which are presented and riled in the courts exhibit and indicate the agonies, catastrophes, and afflictions faced by the husband, the wife and their relatives."
"Mr. Parhizgar, I feel shy about talking so frankly and openly to my father!"
"There is nothing to be shy about, and besides, you do not have another way out, since nobody else can explain and make them understand what goes on in your heart better than you. Moreover, You can seek the
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help of others, especially the older ones in your family."
"Mr. Parhizgar, I wish to ask you a favour!"
"Please carry on!'
'The difficulty which I have is that I do not want this problem to be propagated among the family and that is the reason I wanted to request that you talk to my father."
'I will be glad to help you out. I can welcome you and your father right here.
'I am very grateful. Now I beg your leave and will return with my father in a few days.
The young man gladly departed, saying goodbye.
It is really a matter of sorrow that there are a few families to be found who overlook and ignore the logical and rightful wishes and desires of their children. Their stubbornness and persistence can place their youth in horrible conditions.
The youth left to return with his father. I look forward that he might be able to contend him and I might no longer be needed. Anyhow, I am waiting for them to come.
After four weeks, the same newspaper dated 5th of Dey, 1371 (L.H) reported the return of the father and the son, through the same column and page, as follows:
"A leaf from the notebook of life"
This week: "The father came!"
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The information desk of the newspaper informed that two people had come to see me. I asked to be connected to one of them on the phone.
"Mr. Parhizgar!"
"Yes!"
"I am the same person who was supposed to go and bring my father along, so that you might have a talk with him."
"Yes I remember, please come along!"
Finally, the father and his son came. The son was here, so that I may bring his father round not to compel him to marry his cousin. The father's coming was an indication that he was still insisting upon his son's marrying his cousin to prevent the wealth slipping out of the family.
I was still thinking how to deal with this father when they showed up. After the usual greetings, we sat across a table to talk.
"Dear father, you're most welcome. Your coming here makes realise that you are interested in your son's future. I hope that this affiliation of yours will continue, and remain persistent."
"Thank you my son. As I am interested in my son's future, I asked him to marry his cousin. She is a very good, chaste, pure and educated girl. My brother's financial positon too is quite sound and he does not allow them (his family) to face any hardship in these times of difficulties."
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"Do you think money can be a security of their properity?"
"If they possess wealth, life becomes easier for them. Is it bad that they own a house, some saving and briefly speaking, all that is necessary in such expensive, inflationary times?"
"But what if they do not like each other and there is no love and association between them and they live like two enemies, always having disputed and quarrelling? Would you then not face agony? Do you not feel sorry as to why you are compelling you son into a forcible and imposed marriage?"
"In my opinion if they are financially comfortable, definitely they will have less nervous strains and inconveniences so they will have less argument and conflicts."
"Respected sir! When there is no love, affiliation and deep sentimental attachment between a man and a woman, then all the wealth and riches of the world cannot bring about liking. I would like you to be a bit more logical in your thinking."
The father had become helpless, and did not have a word to say. I inferred from his conversation that his 'logic' was that of money and he wanted to forcibly make his son marry. When he said,
"What must I do?" I understood that he was on the retreat and it was my turn now.
I addressed him "Dear father! You must think logically and rationally. Allow your son to marry a girl of his
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own liking. If you compel him to undergo an imposed marriage, then definitely they would not have a happy future. And when they have conflicts and differences due to lack of love and affiliation, you family as well as that of your brother's will face agony and anguish. So why do you do such a thing which will bring you repentance. You must allow your son to take a decision with a peaceful and comfortable mind and not in an atmosphere of compulsion and threats."
"As a matter of fact, if my son does not marry my niece, my brother will be annoyed with me and our brotherhood would shatter!"
It is better that your brotherhood shatters right now that at a time when they divorce each other and the complication increases. You must sit together with your brother and talk and you should convince him that your son and daughter should select their spouses themselves."
The young man was happily listening to the conversation between his father and me. I could see the flash of happiness and joy in his eye. His father was in agreement and was contented and the youth was about to become free from an imposed marriage.
I addressed his father.
"Be satisfied, and discuss all the problems with your brother. Explain the facts of life to him. He too may agree, and a dispute and conflict may not arise between you. My last word to you is to think about the future and prosperity of your son. This young man does not hold any value in the wealth of his uncle. He wants to
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Stand upon his own feet. He does not even have the need for your wealth. He thinks about his future and prosperity and you too must help and assist him."
The father's eyes were full of tears and the youth was smiling. The father's face showed contentment. He extended his hand and caught hold of his son's hands.
The father and the son hugged and embraced each other and started weeping bitterly. The room was filled with the sound of their fervent and enthusiastic weeping. It was proof to me that the father had abandoned his stubbornness and persistence. I poured tea for them and asked them to relax.
The youth and I sighed with relief. The joy of the youth knew no bounds, as he saw his future guaranteed...
There exist other solutions and examples as well, but since it is possible that stating these might become the cause of "misunderstanding" or "misuse" or "wrong inference, we will avoid describing the. When it comes to a deadlock, then the youth must refer to "wise and sagacious" people and ask them to guide them.
REMINDER
We once again assert and stress that the young must be attentive to the fact that making excuses, creating a hindrance and hurdles by the elders, we mean the excuses, wishes,and opinions against religion and reason, not the opinions and views based upon reason, well-wishing and sympathy.
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Just as we have previously described, there are many fathers, mothers and elders who have more experience than the youth and want the goodness and beneficence of the youth. They might have a difference of opinion in a few matters pertaining to marriage and spouse selection, which are concordant with reason, religion, logic and experience. And in this case, their experiences be benefited from as well as their admonition be attended to.
So be careful that problems do not get mixed up and that difficulties are not enhanced. If a difference of opinion arises in a matter and you are perplexed and unable to distinguish whether your opinion is correct or theirs, contact wise, sagacious, intelligent persons and consult them. In chapter 6, we will discuss consultation, seeking advice and the specification and qualities of a consultant and adviser. Inshallah!
FIFTH DIFFICULTY:
MILITARY SERVICE
This difficulty and constraint does not include girls. And it does not include many of boys as well. For those who continue their studies following the intermediate level, it is not essential for them to proceed to it. Instead, they can perform it after completing their education and joining the service. So no gap is created in their lives. Furthermore, if someone studies certain specified subjects, for instance, the students of teacher
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training centers,1 and he does not even intend to continue his education after the intermediate level, then there is no conventional soldiering for him.
After these cases, we are left with those young men who must go for the usual and routin two years performing this scared duty. What is the solution to their marriage problem?
SOLUTIONS:
LONG TERM SOLUTION
Government officials must arrange and organize the law of military service in a manner that it does not hinder and bring difficulty for those who wish to marry, A certaining salary should also be provisioned that which would suffice their expenditure along with that of their wives.
SHORT TERM SOLUTION
1- RELIGIOUS AND LEGAL ENGAGEMENT
Engagement during military service is very sweet and beautiful. The engaged couple can correspond throughout and write hope-giving and inspiring things to each other. During the level periods, they see and visit each other.
The facts described about 'engagement during education' apply to this period as well.
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1- The students are trained for teaching in primary school and cam a salary to suffice a simple life.
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2- STAYING IN THE HOUSE OF ONE'S IN-LAWS
It they have already married, the wife can, during the military service of her husband, stay at the residence of the parents of the boy, so that she does not remain alone and the boy can perform his duty wholeheartedly and peacefully, Whenever he comes back home on lave, they can be with each other.
3- PARENTS' HELP
As to the expenditure of the woman and other matters, the same facts stand valid here which have been described in the chapter pertaining to "continuing education" solution no3 (parents' help).
SIXTH DIFFICULTY:
PRESENCE OF OLDER BROTHERS AND SISTERS
Sometime ago, I was with some nice brothers, the students of "Lamerd." All of them were bachelors.
According to my routine of encouraging the youth to marry, I recommended them to marry. Mr. Badiyee, who happens to be a good, efficient student of "Lamerd", said, "The greatest hindrance an difficulty to my marriage is the presence of (unmarried) elder brothers, because it is customary in our region for younger brothers and sisters not to marry before elder ones!"
I said to him, "I will discuss this difficulty and constraint, as your memorial, in my classes and the book, which I'm writing on this topic."
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