ATTENTION
A hundred percent co-ordination and congeniality is not possible, since every individual has his own mind, spirit, morality and character, specific environment and family and has a certain distance and difference from the other one. But an attempt should be made to lessen and reduce this distance to a minimum, so that the two spouses are as close to each other as possible.
A LESSON-GIVING EXAMPLE
Before arriving at the instances and cases of 'equity' and 'compatibility', I wish to describe a self-witnessed example, closely touched by me. I was present at all its stages,so that the topic will become clear and conspicuous, and the ground for the later subjects is levelled.
Ismail and Safoora were both religious,good-natured
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1- How to conduct the children, by Dr. Mohammad Reza Sharafi, p 50.
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and committed to Islamic values and the Islamic revolution, but their views about these issues were different.
Ismail had been brought up in a village environment along with its rural culture, rites,and ceremonial specifications and was committed to the peculiarities of his social cradle. Safoora had been bred and brought up in a large city along with its peculiar, typical atmosphere of rites and rituals. Each of them looked at the world from the window of his and her personal perception and ideas. No spiritual,moral, educational, physical, familial or cultural harmony existed between the two. So much so that their points of view about Islam and the Revolution, to which both were committed were different and a vast (ideological) gap existed between them.
A mediator had introduced them for marriage. He did not have any negative intention and did it as a religious duty and for the pleasure of Allah. But regrettably, he did not have any information about their spiritual, physical and social harmony and congeniality. And so he was unsuccessful in his introduction and mediation and this did not result in a good life for those two.
Ismail and Safoora married. And right from the beginning of their joint life difference and conflicts and tussles started taking shape. Ismail said there were things important to her (Safoora) that did not have any importance for him, and there were things important to him. which did not mean anything to her. Safoora too held the same opinion.
Both of them were highly educated with good academic career, but they had a vast difference of opinion on various topics and version of knowledge. Each one of them had their own particular ideas and styles regarding family linkages, bonds, relations and the visits of guests, which were quite distant from each other. Their views and conduct about the problems pertaining to children's education and training, too, were completely diverse and dissimilar and they could never practice in a common, uniform and co-ordinated style. Neither of them would step down from the height of his opinion and approach, and conventionally, neither of the two gave in to the other's yoke.
Many times their case was presented for the judgement of others, where they put forward their problems before family consultants, and yet they never reached any understanding and agreement.
Finally, one of their consultants and advisors who was very cautious and rarely advised the separation of a wife and a husband expressed that they should separate, saying, "His life is not sustainable, and there is no alternative except separation."
Finally, Islmail and Safoora separated through divorce! And this event took shape at the expense of a victim and that was their child.
SALIENT POINTS OF INCO-ORDINATION OF ISMAIL AND SAFOORA
1- A cultural and ideological distance (difference of opinion about ideological, social, and educational problems).
2- A spiritual and psychological differences.
3-A difference of style and taste in various matters.
4- Sexual and physical dissimilarity (one of the two was sexually strong, having a hot and active temperament, while the other one was weak, and could not satisfy and saturate the other. One of the real and important causes of their conflict was this problem. The one who was not satiated and saturated was shy and too modest to express this matter clearly, and relieved the pressure at another place and in fact, avenged it elsewhere.
5- A moral difference
6- A beauty problem. One of the two was unhappy with the other's looks, figure and beauty, although the other side was satisfied. This factor too had quite and effect and role in their differences and conflicts.
7- A difference with respect to the families of each other. (None like the family and relatives of the other and had difficulties having relations with them).
REFUTING A DOUBT
We, in any case, do not want to establish that a villager is not an equal and good match for a city inhabitant. And we do not mean to imply that a city dweller is superior or vice versa. There are many citizens and villagers who marries and lead good lives. And many times two city dwellers or two villagers do not have any mutual harmony and co-ordination. Rather, what we mean to say is that spiritual, ideological, and physical harmony is important and essential between two life partners. Moreover, what must be viewed in selecting spouses is equality (balance of the personalities of the couple).
Piety and divine values are the standards and criteria of superiority, nobility,and graciousness.
إن أكرمكم عندالله أتقاكم إن الله عليم خبير
"Surely, the most honourable of you with Allah is your most pious one".(49:13)
CONDITIONS OF COMPATABILITY
Now with the explanations given, the ground for the description f the case of equity and harmony between girl and boys have become ready; so will divide the topic of equity and explain a few of its details.
1-RELIGIOUS COMPATABILITY
A religious woman who is committed to the laws, principles, and derivatives of Islam must marry a man like herself. Of course, a hundred percent proportionality is not possible, but the closer they are and the less of a distance, the better.
A man questioned the prophet of Islam (a.s): "Whom must we marry?" He replied:
الأكفاء
"Those suitable (good matches)."
He asked, "Who are suitable matches?"
The Prophet (a.s) responded:
المؤمنون بعضهم أكفاء بعض
"Some of the believers are the matches of each other."
We see that the Prophet (a.s) described faith as the standards and real foundation of being a match.
Imam Sadiq (a.s) said about Fatima Zahra (a.s):
لولا أن الله خلق أميرالمؤمنين عليه السلام لم يكن لفاطمة كفو علي وجه الارض, آدم فما دونه.
"Had Allah not created Ali (a.s), there would have been no match and
equivalent on the earth for Fatima (a.s), from the age of
Adam (a.s) to the end".
If a faithful person marries a faithless one and cannot convert the latter to become religious, either he has to become homogenous with the spouse and become faithless and be in a permanent state of confrontation and conflict; both situations being a great loss. The children too, who are the outcome and production of such a turbulent and disturbed life, do not reach prosperity and blessing.
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Q: Can it not be that a faithful and religious person marries and irreligious spouse and guides her? Has such a case not yet taken shape?
A: (a) If someone finds such energy in himself and is sure that he or she can make it, then there is no harm to materialize such a marriage. Even though this is a desired and required practice and has a great reward, not everyone possesses all that vigour and energy. Attaining this confidence is also not and easy thing. If such a case (exceptionally) takes shape, it is not a justification for others to follow it. And this exception cannot be generalized to cover all people.
(b) It is quite possible that the situation reverses and the irreligious one makes the other take up his or her colour.
Some of the reasons described by Islam for not marrying an irreligious one are as follows:
لأن المرأة تأخذ من أدب زوجها و يقهرها علي دينه
"Because the woman is influenced by her husband's conduct, and he forces her to accept his belief." 1
The man, too , accepts th effects of his wife's belief and morality and his wife may make him perform irreligious activities. How long can a man resist and combat the unfair and unlawful wants and desires of his wife? One cannot fight that all his life and vigorously combat against it. We know of plenty of cases where the irreligious and careless wife made her religious spouse miserable.
(c) Of course, there exist some exceptions as well where a religious and faithful spouse has guided his or her
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1- Furoo-e Kafi, p5.
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irreligious life partner. So far so good. But exceptions cannot overwhelm the majority, and rules and regulations cannot be founded upon them.
