FAMILY LIFE IN ISLAM(Part 1)

by Mohammad Haroun

Speech delivered at Ahmadiyya House, Wembley (UK) on 16th January 1999

As an individual, one may be at one and the same time a mother, a grandmother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt or a niece. Similarly, if one is a male, one may be at one and the same time a father, a grandfather, a husband, a brother, a son, an uncle or a nephew. This fact is all too obvious to everyone here. But there are many social systems in our time which care very little whether one is a wife or a husband, a mother or a father, etc.

For example, in the free and liberal societies, where the individual is regarded as the basic unit of society, one has the freedom to do what one wants, when one wants, because one is considered freeto live one’s own life.

A woman, for example, may choose to live with one or more men or even women; and a man may be a father, and not know it, and his child or children may not know who their father is. On the other hand, there are social systems where the individual counts for little, and the commune or the state takes full control. In these circumstances, the nurturing of the children becomes a social industry; health care, education and all other needs are public business; and so being a parent under this system carries few, if any, responsibilities.

Maybe, there is much to gain from material comfort, but the love and warmth are missing from the equation. The human being is devalued and natural bonds and needs are stifled or destroyed. The basic unit of society cannot be the individual or the commune. Both these systems are unworkable and produce much personal stress and distress for everyone, especially the women and children. They also tend to produce society’s disorders in the form of crime and delinquency.

In Islam, on the other hand, one is not allowed to be just an individual, who is free to do whatever one wants, whenever one wants. Any system which attempts to make the individual the basic unit of society and gives him total freedom, does not take into account natural bonds and natural needs.

The Holy Quran says:

And We have enjoined on man the doing of good to his parents. His mother bears him with trouble and brings him forth in pain. And the bearing of him and the weaning of him is thirty months. Till when he attains his maturity and reaches forty years, he says; My Lord, grant me that I may give thanks for Thy favour, which Thou hast bestowed on me, and on my parents, and that I may do good which pleases Thee; and be good to me in respect of my offspring. Truly I turn to Thee, and truly I am of those who submit (46:15).

The most natural unit of society is the family. Many are the laws of Islam which are geared towards preserving the institution of the family and the web of relationships within the family. Because, if one wants to preserve the family, and the identity and proper upbringing of the children are to be safeguarded, then adultery and fornication must be severely punished.

And go not near to fornication, surely it is an obscenity and evil is the way (17:32).

In Islam, there are three factors which keep the family together:

1. Kinship or blood ties

2. Marital commitments

3. Faith (Din)

Kinship or blood relationships are the strongest natural ties. There is no substitute for a mother’s love for her child, and in return, a child’s devotion and gratitude to loving and caring parents. It is precisely because of the importance and strength of these relationships that the Holy Prophet Muhammad (Pbuh) said:

"He is not of me who severs or breaks the ties of kinship."

He also went on to say:

"No sin is more swiftly punished than oppression, and the breaking of family ties."

Marital commitments also keep the family together, for Islam recognises no more wholesome framework for sexual relations and the fostering and nurturing of children than in a lawful marriage. Private consent to sexual intimacy, common-law associations or living together, and trial marriages or temporary unions, do not constitute a family in the Islamic sense.

Faith is the third factor in maintaining strong family ties; that is, full commitment to Islam. If all members of a family are Muslims, there is more likely to be greater harmony, and common interest and good, than if family members go their separate ways, and have different faiths.

In some cases, faith supersedes marital commitment and kinship. A person is required to love and treat his parents with the utmost respect and consideration, even if they are not Muslims. But he is not required to obey those parents if they ask him to disobey the laws of God or not to believe in the One True God (Allah).

In fact, one can find oneself combating one’s own parents or children if they strongly seek to oppose or even undermine Islam and the interest of Muslims. There are many well-known examples of this in Islamic history. The Prophet Noah was unable to save his disobedient son at the time of the flood; there is the case of the Prophet Abraham and his idolatrous father; the Prophet Lot and his immoral wife; and in the time of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (Pbuh), the story of many of his Companions (rta) who were pitted against a father, a mother, or even a son.

And We have enjoined on man goodness to his parents. But if they contend with thee to associate others with Me, of which you have no knowledge, obey them not. To Me is your return, so I will inform you of what you did (29:8).

The Islamic family is extended to include grandparents, grandchildren, uncles, aunts, and their progeny. These relationships are cemented by laws such as the law of dependence and the law of inheritance. By preserving the extended family, the natural and continuous link between generations is preserved, and the new generations learn about their culture and habits and the religion of Islam and its values with much more comfort and ease.

There is the likelihood of greater warmth and richness in a caring and sharing atmosphere, when members of the household act as companions and playmates to one another; thus it should be much easier to deal with many of the problems that life has to offer. Loneliness, egotism and individualism are thus banished.

The extended family also functions in different ways. Mothers can attend to duties outside the home, others can get on better with their vocational goals, whilst the children can be looked after by their grandparents. This mutual help can achieve beauty and harmony in the household. But, of course, this is not always possible because of individual weaknesses and pettiness and some unnatural behaviour.

Parents have the obligation to cherish and sustain their children, as well as to educate and train them. Even before a child is conceived, parental responsibilities begin. When a couple intend to marry and have children, their choice of each other may depend on wealth, or beauty, or lineage or even taqwa. The last choice of quality is the most important, says the Holy Prophet Muhammad (Pbuh). Parents’ responsibilities therefore begin with the wholesome beliefs, attitudes and good conduct of each partner in a marriage. A couple in their most intimate moments are advised by the Holy Prophet (Pbuh) to pray for offspring who are noble and righteous. Before and after conception, the mother in particular should ensure that her lifestyle is an Islamic one. Her physical state could affect the unborn foetus. She should ensure that no harmful drugs are taken and of course as a Muslim, she should abstain from drinking alcohol, smoking and taking hard drugs such as cocaine. In brief, she should provide a suitable, stable and welcoming environment for her child’s first home.

When the child is born, the mother’s role is of great importance, for she faces one of the most challenging responsibilities in life, particularly when the child is under the age of two years. For this is the time, according to the Quran, when the child is weaned, and when the mother has to give comfort and education. Pay no attention to those who insist that society must look after all children, who seek to abolish the family structure, and take all women into the field of public activity in the name of the liberation of women.

Here is a quotation from a book entitled Islam between East and West, by Alija Ali Izethgovic, a Yogoslav writer:

"Modern civilisation has disgraced motherhood in particular. It has preferred the calling of a salesgirl, model, teacher of other people’s children, secretary, cleaning woman and so on, to that of a mother. It has proclaimed motherhood to be slavery and promised to free woman from it. They remind us of artificial births and artificial deaths. Both are opposed to the family and are the result of the changed role of woman in human life. Their common feature is the elimination of parental relationships; in a nursery, children are without parents; in homes for the aged, parents are without children."