KINDS OF LOVE
1- LOVES OF LUST AND PASSION
These are on the basis of sexual attractions, lust and passionate desires. Although this kind of love is necessary in spouse selection and joint life and must definitely exist, it is not sufficient alone. Moreover it does not have all those benefits, qualities, and peculiarities, which have been stated about love, and it can not last forever, because with the passage of time of the couple's joint life, lustful desires and passions would subside and the preliminary zest and fervour of sexual attraction would gradually fade away, Following the birth of children, the freshness of youth would
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1- Right of the woman in Islam, Sadra Publications, 8th edition, p326, p 317.
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decrease and the faces and physiques would lose their previous shapes and forms. After many years pass, the effects of old age would become apparent in the man and the woman and that would be the time when strong and powerful incentives and motives to continue a prosperous life would no more exist.
The combining and adhesive force of life should be so strong that it persists and lasts through all the stages and phases of life and is able to make the skeleton of life stand on a firm footing. This (sexual) kind of love does not alone have such a strength and endurance; its colour being faded and a shame is brought by it.
2- LOFTY LOVE:
In this kind of love, a person's inclinations are toward the lofty values. If this type of love comes to exist in the husband -ife realtionship, the sexual desires, lusts and passions would also be placed under its umbrella and would pick up the colours of lofty and superb values. Both forms of love are essential in marital life and each one in itself is not sufficient.
To say that the inclinations and relations of spouses should only rest upon supreme and lofty values and that sexual love is not necessary would be a mistake. Rather, both must be present to make each other perfect. In this problem, too, like all other marital problems, the middle way should be adopted, not the way of excessiveness or deficiency. The first type of love, when alone, is subversive and damaging, but when accompanies by the other form loses its negative and harmful aspect and having become a part of superb values, turns into a beneficial one.
Here too professor Martyr Mutahhari opens the vista saying:
"Human sentiments and feeling have form and grades. Some of them are from the category of passions, specifically sexual lust, being commonn instincts among man and all the animals. It arises from the sexual origin and is finished right there. its increasing and decreasing is mostly related to the physiological functions of the reproductive system and inevitably is at the time of youth. With the passage of time on one side and its being greatly saturated and satisfied on the other it is used up."
"Man has another form of feeling which are factually and naturally diverse to sexual lust. We had better name them sentiments, and by the Quranic interpretation, 'amiability' and 'compassion'.
"Quran interpret the marital relations between men and women by the words 'amiability' and 'compassion' and it is extremely lofty point. It is and indication of the human aspect and the super-animal dimension of marital life. It is indicative of the fact that lust and passions are not the only linkage in marital life. The real and actual relation is the purity, truth, communion and unity of the two soulds."1
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1- Attraction and repulsion of Ali (a.s) p55-58.
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QUESTION AND ANSWER
Q: The first form of love is recongnised and known by all, but the second form is not very clear and vivid. What is the love, which rests upon lofty values and the marital life should be set up according to it and the former one should be placed under its umbrella?
A: The facts described in this chapter about the criteria of spouse selection are a complete and comprehensive response to this question, The standards and values, which have been described cover both forms of love.
LASTING LOVE
As already described, the love of a husband and a wife must persist and continue and must last even after the days of youth are gone.
The husband and wife need such sentiments and kind feelings, which may hold their family life with all the warmth and fervour even after sexual attraction, passions, lustful desires and the freshness of youth are finished.
Allah has placed the source and origin of this love in the spouse: "And He put between you love and compassion."
So if their lives are set upon correct foundations and are managed and administrated in the right way, then that 'love' and 'compassion' will continue and will remain life-long.
We have seen a great number of couple where the passing of the youth period not only did not create any flaw and weakness in their love, but also with the passing of age and movement towards old age, their mutual regard and graciousness increased. As a matter of fact, their conduct become the phase of their perfection and the height and ceiling of their joint loves.
A MAGNANIMOUS AND BEAUTIFUL SPECIMEN:
Aunt Zainab an Hajj Hassan were life parents for the last seventy years. I can recollect the final 25 years of their lives nearly, in which they had all the reverence and respect for each other and I do not know any event that could indicate any mutual disrespect and disinclination in their lives.
I asked their relatives about the rest of their life together and came to know that they were always like this. Aunt Zainab was both a wife an a nurse for Hajj Hassan who was older than her and who become ill in his last years. She held the old man in such respect, reverence, and kindness that it amazed and made th one who saw it praise her. In this part of their old age, sexual phenomenon did not mean anything to them, since they had surpassed it. But the love, honour and grand respect was overwhelming their relations even still.
Whenever Hajj Hassan fell ill, the aunt would nurse and look after him with extreme kindness and respect. Whenever I visited them, Hajj Hassan said:
"This lady has looked after me so very well. If it was not for her,I would not have been able to pass my old age honourably. It is because of her kindness and nursing that I can go to the mosque and attend to my services and prayers and lead a honourable life. Her existence is a great boon and beneficence, which Allah has bestowed upon me. I always pray for her."
I enjoyed seeing their sincere relations and felt sorry about many husbands and wives who have cold relations and have scornful and menacing conduct towards each other. I used to wish all spouses had been like aunt Zainab and Hajj Hassan.
Hajj Hassan had grown very old and was nearly ninety years of age and could no longer stand or walk to perform his work. But Allah had saved and spared his perform his work. But Allah saved adn spared his kind spouse for him. She used to look after and nurse her old husband with respect, love and self-sacrifice, never allowing him to face humiliation and misery.
The last time I visited Hajj Hassan to enquire after his health, he said: "Had Allah not given this spouse tome, I could no longer continue my life".
The last days of Hajj Hassan's life approached and he was about to leave Zainab alone after a lovely joint life of seventy years. Aunt Zainab was nursing him with all her might, looking after him from all aspects, revolving around him like a butterfly around a candle. She served him to all possible extents. Hajj Hassan occasionally opened his eyes and looked at her. His looks reflected the sign of respect, reverence, thankfulness and gratitude for her. As if he was saying: "Oh y pure angel, you were my spouse and faithful friend. You spent your youth and life beside me.
You put up with my deficiencies and lacking in our lives and did not complain to anyone. You secured my honour. You were the partner of my sorrows and joys and my companion amid the of odds of life. Now when, I am leaving this world, I am pleased with you. And I bear witness to Allah that you were a good wife. I am pleased with you. And I hope Allah may also be pleased with you. And I hope Allah may also be please with you, and grant you reward."
His lips sometimes moved and he prayed for her.
Aunt Zainab's condition was nearly similar to her husband and she also uttered the same prayers for her old husband through her conduct, speech, condition, and looks.
At last the delegate of Allah came to take his soul. as if the death delegate of Allah too thanked and praised her, since only a few hours before te angel's arrival she had bathed and cleaned him up and changed his clothes; as if she wanted to send a bridegroom toward his wedding chamber.
Following the passing away of Hajj Hassan, I went to see the aunt. Her eyes were shedding tears. Her heart was grieved and heavy, but she had a feeling of pride and exaltation, since she felt she had performed the divine duties in connection with her husband.
Dear youths, do you not wish to have a prosperous life like that of aunt Zainab and Hajj Hassan? Of course, you do! So you must observe the existence of love and affection in the selection of your spouse. You should marry someone, whom you definitely love and that person must also love you. Marriage is not only the communion of bodies ,it is also the unity of heart. And this relation should be so strong and unbreakable as to persist and last until the end of life. And only a relation can have such a quality, which is establishes on two pillars; that is , the same two forms of love, which have previously been defined.
MUTUAL LOVE
In one way, love alone does not suffice a felicitous life. Instead, both spouses must love and adorn each other. If one loves the other and the other does not, then their life would have difficulty. The indifference and apathy of the other would soon cool down the love and affection of the spouse. Consequently, hatred and scorn will develop on both sides. It is two-way love that created prosperity, not one way love.
A NET OF DECEPTION
One of the traps into which most of the youth fall and usually can not escape is that they discover, before the marriage's execution, that they do not like each other (or one of them does not like the other) and they want to avoid the marriage, but the family members and their friends say "Now you marry and afterwards love will be created!" These inexperienced youths, having believed in their word, marry and thereafter not only is love not created, but also with each passing day their mutual scorn and hatred increases. miseries surround them. And then those people who recommended their marriage and promised them the development of love, all vanish away. All have left them alone to themselves to pass a cool, frigid, spiritless life with a mountain of difficulties and agonies. Even if those who promised them that love would develop wish to help them, they simply cannot.
Youth (both boys and girls) must concentrate upon and be cautious about this point: that love must be present or should take shape at the beginning so as to build the foundations of marriage. There is no guarantee that it may develop at a later stage. I have seen many persons who married bearing this wrong conception and logic in their minds and their lives were ruined. We would described one of these bitter stories later on. Here take a look at two sorrowful events, which have been described by Ayatollah Ameeni.
FIRST TRAGIC STORY:
Mrs ... writes in her letter: "Nearly a year ago, I married a young man whom I did not know previously. he twice visited our home, but I did not have th chance to think carefully whether I like him as my future husband or not. I told myself that after the marriage contract takes shape, love would follow. But unfortunately, after the marriage contract, when he came to our home, I discovered that I really did not have any inclination towards him.
Thereafter, I discussed the matter with my family, but I was strongly opposed. They said: "You will start to like him later on". But ow even after the lapse of one year from the date of our marriage, not only have I not developed any liking for him, but even I do not love the sight of him. Really I am exhausted. Many times I thought of committing suicide, but I was afraid of Allah. My life is like a hell. I burn inwardly and tolerate it. What must I do?"1
